“For what it’s worth, I think we could’ve been a cool couple.”

“For what it’s worth, I think we could’ve been a fucking cool couple.” 

I'm going to go tease my hair and
sing into a fan until I feel better.

And then we hung up.

But I know you want to hear more about The Talk, so let’s start there.

Last week, Ryan came over (finally) to discuss what had been going on with us. He had been pulling away, and I assumed – correctly – that the idea of a relationship for a man who says he’s never really had one was too scary/unappealing/boring/suffocating/fill in your own negative adjective.

We sat on my couch, the site of our first kiss, and we had a remarkably respectful and mature conversation. 

The exchange took an hour and looked something like this:

Him: I am fine with how things are.

Me: I know we are still getting to know each other, but I like the idea of being open to the possibility of things progressing.

Him: I know you’re looking for a relationship.

Me: I’m look for a relationship with the right person. I’m interested in the idea of one with you, not because you have a pulse, but because you’re you and I like what I know so far.

Him: I don’t think I’m going to get there. I don’t want to string you along and have it be two, three months down the road and nothing has progressed.

Me: Well if that is how you’re going to come at things, then that is exactly what will happen. I’m not in any rush for anything relationship-wise, but things cannot be stagnant either. I know you haven’t had much relationship experience. Other than being married, neither do I, oddly enough. So let me ask you: Have you been enjoying our time together, hanging out, talking, having sex, the whole thing?

Him: Yes, definitely. And when I go out, I’m not looking to meet anyone else.

Me: So, why not try doing things differently from how you’ve done them in the past? Why not trying on for size the possibility of seeing where things go with me? I have a life, so do you, and dating isn’t a threat to that. It could be fun!

Silence.
(Crap.)

After an hour of me making excellent points (if I do say so myself) and him essentially saying he doesn’t want a relationship, we agreed to take some time to think. Later, I texted him, thanking him for coming over and being honest. He responded that he would not play games with me, and I said that I knew he wouldn’t, and neither would I.

So, I asked myself: could I just leave things as they are? Like I said, I’m not in any rush to find me a baby daddy or anything. But, over the weekend, I thought about my other relationships.

I love people. When you are my family member, my friend, whoever, I want to just care about you. I don’t know how to express my affection for others under any sort of limitation, and that is exactly what I would be agreeing to with Ryan. I cannot do that.

Ryan and I didn’t communicate much over the weekend, and then on Sunday he suggested that we “touch base” on Monday. Dammit. That tiny unrealistic romantic in me, the part that is secretly sad when couples from The Bachelorette break up, was hoping that maybe by some miracle Ryan would come to his senses and realize how idiotic it is to walk away from a person you connect with on so many levels. But you wouldn’t make a romantic confession like that when you “touch base.”

So, on Monday, true to his word, we "touched base." We talked for four minutes while I cooked fajitas. I asked him if we had come to the same conclusion. He said yes, and reiterated that he didn’t want it to be two, three months down the road and I would feel like he wasted me time or led me on. (Interesting fixation he has on this specific time period.) I said I didn't know how to restrict the way I'm going to care about a person.

Then, I said this was disappointing, but I accepted it. “But, Ryan, for what it’s worth, I think we could’ve been a fucking cool couple.”

(Yes, I used to the F-word. Seemed to drive my point home.)

And then we said we would see each other around town. Bye.

I put my phone down on my kitchen counter and sighed.

I have known all along that this was a very likely possibility. He’s 44 and never had a relationship; by his own admission, he’s never had his heart broken. Clearly, this is a man who, for whatever reason, will not allow himself get emotionally intimate with a woman. For the past two weeks, I could see the writing on the wall, so this was hardly shocking.

But as I stirred my fajitas, I got that telltale lump in my throat. What the hell is this? A few tears slid down my cheeks.

What? I’m crying over a guy? Well. Isn't this interesting.

Of all the guys I have gone out with, through the various ups and downs and men disappearing, this was the first time I cried over a guy. Ryan was the first guy that I was actually floored at times by how much we had in common. Then I had wondered if he’d be too tame in the bedroom, and I was wrong – we were super compatible there too! I mean, this was finally a guy where I could really, truly see something happening.

Keeping it real with emotionally unavailable men in their 40s.

But nothing was going to happen.

Not because he didn’t like me – I could accept that better because I’m fully aware that I’m not for everyone and that’s OK.

Nothing was going to happen because he simply will not allow his heart to open that far.

How very sad.

So, I called Jen. With my mouth full of fajita and my tear ducts filled to the brim, I babbled for a few minutes, and like the good friend she is, she listened and assured me that I did nothing wrong, my time with Ryan was fun while it lasted, and it would be OK.

I wiped my tears away. Then I fired off a bunch of texts to tell the masses, and they all responded with the love and support I knew they would provide. 

So, I’m still feeling a little blue and I miss him already. But I’m OK because I’m proud that I stuck to my motto of keeping an open heart and an open mind while also keeping my eyes open. I saw the signs that he would probably pull away, and I didn’t pretend that they weren’t there. I didn’t downplay my readiness for a relationship just to appease him. I really enjoyed my time with Ryan, and when I’m ready to date again, the right person will be out there.

And in the meantime, I'll play some 1980s ballads and sing at the top of my lungs in my car. Total Eclipse of the Heart, anyone?

What was your last breakup like? How do you feel about the way you conducted yourself?

I'm Not Afraid to Walk Away From A Guy I Really Like

I am ready for a relationship, and I don’t apologize for it. Hell, I'm proud of it! It’s taken a lot of post-divorce healing/therapy/yoga plus a healthy dose of pointless – but fun! – dating. I know I’m ready and emotionally healthy enough to open my heart to a man… but he must earn and be worthy of something so precious.

I really like Ryan, the guy I've been seeing since December. I see so much potential for a relationship with him, more so than with anyone else I have dated since I got divorced two years ago. But for all the ways that Ryan and I are compatible in our personalities, lifestyles, and even sexual styles, none of it matters in the slightest if we don’t both want a relationship right now -- not eventually, not next month, right now.

Last week, after days of my doubting and questioning (and a long overdue trip to my therapist), I decided that maybe I’d been a crazy female. I needed to chill the fuck out and just enjoy.

So, when Ryan and I spent last Friday night together, it was lovely. We got takeout, snuggled, watched a movie, had hot sex, and slept together. He held my hand, he called me babe. The next morning, we got breakfast together (bagels!!!). I was loving it. All felt boyfriend-y. It felt nice and real.

But, I asked if he wanted to come to my friend’s birthday drinks that evening, and he said he had already made plans. That is fine of course, and actually very attractive that he has a life. But, it dawned on me that in all the weeks that we have been hanging out, he has never once suggested I meet his friends or coworkers. Not that I need to meet his best friend yet, but even a casual, “come meet us out for happy hour” type thing.

Then on Sunday, I asked if he wanted to just hang out, super low key, in a close the gap between Dating and Relationship type way. He said yes… then an hour later, he said no, he just wanted to chill (read: alone). The big "ouch" factor was that he didn’t ask when I would be free in the week.

We hung up and then I realized, I can do better than this. 

I like Ryan a lot, but I’m not interested in hovering in this almost-a-relationship-but-not-quite territory indefinitely. I do think he likes both my personality and appearance, but I have felt him slowly throw up a wall the past few weeks. I don't know why, and I'm not particularly interested in playing armchair shrink to find out. If he doesn’t want a relationship, I completely understand and respect that (I've been there!), but I also respect myself enough to walk away.

So, I called Ryan back. I said, “I’d like us to get together and talk about what’s been going on between us. Are you free tomorrow?” (Totally stole this approach from this article.)

He agreed, and we were supposed to meet last night, which is why I was holding off on this blog post. However, the faux blizzard hit our area, so The Talk is postponed until tomorrow Thursday.

I recognize that in all likelihood, this will be our kiss-off, which super sucks. But we need to talk so I can stop guessing, and we can either move forward together or go our separate ways.

The bitch of all relationships, whether platonic or romantic, is that you have to want the same thing at the same time for the relationship to work. I have learned that I must be loyal to myself, first and foremost. I don’t settle for subpar relationships with anyone, so why start with someone who I want to date?

(And next week, I'll obviously dish on what happened during The Talk.)

Have you had to walk away from someone you were enjoying dating but felt you wanted different things?

What Happened When I Got Brave About Forging New Relationships

Is your wedding ring off, like really off, not even trying it on once in awhile when no one’s around? Are you past the point of bursting into tears driving home from work? Are you curious to see what dating will be like?

Perhaps you’re ready to Put Yourself Out There, one of those platitudes that divorce/single people have to hear. A lot.

I know it’s really scary to take the padlock off of your battered heart and bruised ego to let new people in, but let me tell you  -- it’s worth it.

I got to thinking about this because of last weekend. I hung out with lots of new people – we’re talking four girls on Friday, six girls on Saturday, and two guys on Sunday. Only one of these people had I hung out with more than a few times. I thoroughly enjoyed each day and each new person I met.

As I walked home Sunday night, quite amused and pleased with how my weekend had transpired, I thought of a great compliment that Nora recently gave me:

“You have a cool life, and you did it yourself.
I have a great life with my husband, but I share the credit with him.
But your life, your new friends, your condo… that’s all you.”

I hadn’t thought about things that way, but she is right! My divorce was finalized almost two years ago. The way I have set up my life is all my doing, and one of the coolest parts has been the new people I’ve been meeting, thanks to Putting Myself Out There.

When I think back on my years with Max, I was putting so much effort into trying to save our fledgling relationship that I had no extra energy for forging new relationships. Hell, I am fortunate that I didn’t lose any friends during this difficult time.

Since I have been free of my troubled marriage, I am proud to say that I have been Out There plenty. Sometimes it has paid off beautifully, and other times it has ended in heartache. 

In the past year, yes, I have done a lot of dating. (In fact, I counted and I kissed 13 people in 2014. Yes, I’m secretly 16 years old and I make lists like this.) I have had some wonderful highs from the early days of dating when you see much promise, and I have had the sting of having it collapse and you have no idea why. After years of rejection from my ex-husband, I have FINALLY had some great sexual experiences with both guys I have liked and guys who are just my Special Friends. I’m coming into my own in the sack – better late than never!

Admittedly, parts of dating have made me want to hide under my bed or swear off men entirely. But I’m so proud of myself for experimenting with dating, even now while I hover in the gap with Ryan. (Sadly, I think our days are numbered, but I’m trying to be brave and not sabotage what’s still there.) Eventually, I will find love again, but that will only happen if I stay Out There.

But it’s not just in my dating life where I have taken emotional risks. I have made new friends since I moved back to Ford in 2013. I was already blessed to have wonderful friends in my life, but there is something to be said for challenging my heart and mind with new company. These days, I do not shy from building new friendships with women and men. I have taken friendly acquaintances and elevated them. Or, when I meet someone who I think will enrich my life, I seize the moment. I ask for the person’s phone number and suggest getting together. Sure, some of those phone numbers end up eventually getting deleted from my phone, but in plenty of cases I have formed new friendships, such as Yoshi, Mandy, and Meredith.

When I think about how I want my life to look, I truly feel like I’m on the right track. Unlike when I was married and sinking energy into a doomed relationship, it’s empowering and exciting to expend energy on cultivating healthy relationships.  

So, thank you Nora, I will take total credit for this cool life of mine, thanks to Putting Myself Out There!

What changes have you seen in your life from Putting Yourself Out There?

Dating, Getting Dumped, and Having Incredible Sex: My Top 10 Posts of 2014

On this last day of 2014, I thank you for hanging out with me for another year of my life post-divorce, including reliving old pain with my ex, my happy times with friends and family, and my search for hot sex and love, preferably from the same person.

In the grand tradition of all kinds of media at year-end, here's my very own list of my 10 most read posts of 2014.

10. My Return to Online Dating -- Too Dull, Too Exciting, and Just Right

In January, I went full force into the wild world of online dating.

9.  One Year Later: Why I Love My Divorce

I counted my blessings on the first anniversary of my divorce.

8.  Incredible Sex is Turning Me Into an Asshole

I was intoxicated from Incredible Sex with a guy who was wrong, wrong, and more wrong for me. But DAMN the sex was hot...

7.  Keeping Facebook Photos of Your Ex -- Just Documenting the Past or Harming Your Future?

Is it so bad to keep Facebook pics of you and your ex?

6.  What Should A Blogger Do When Her Identity is Revealed?

The guy I was seeing found out about my blog. Shit.

5.  I Want My Ex-Husband When I'm Not Fully Conscious

Ever woken up in the middle of the night and wished your bed weren't empty?

4.  Why Silence Makes Me Scream

Want to break my heart and make me lose my mind? Then, please, don't say a word.

3.  I Got Optimistic About A Guy. Now I Feel Stupid.

Two fantastic dates and then... he disappeared.

2.  7 Steps to Getting Dumped While Still Looking Like a Grownup

If you're going to date, you're going to get dumped sometimes, so here's how I save face.

1.  How to Dump Someone You Aren’t Really Dating

I learned how to nicely dump people after my non-dates because even morons and bad kissers have feelings.


Thank you again for reading, commenting, and sharing your perspectives! A very happy 2015 to you!

Why Do Guys Who Dumped Me Come Back to Apologize?

As I look back on my dating experiences in 2014, I have discovered a theme: 

I acted too hastily. I’m sorry.

I was selfish. I’m sorry.

I regret letting it end like that. I’m sorry.

No, I'm not the one apologizing -- it's the dudes I've dated. I have had it up to my ass with I’m sorry!

I have been single for less than two years, and only really been dating for one, but I think it’s safe to say I am back in the dating game. I’ve gone out with all kinds of kinds, from the vegan who didn’t drink to the former Navy man to the pot smoking bartender. I’ve gone out with guys seven years younger to 10 years older.

Here is what I don’t get: 

Why do guys keep coming back to apologize?

Andrew probably didn't expect my response. Tough noogies.
(His misuse of "literally" is so not hot.)

In the past year, Todd, John, Aaron, one of the 27-year-olds, and just on Saturday, Andrew have all come back around to apologize for their unique versions of ditching me.

(If you’re keeping track, Carl is the only one who has not. But I told him that he hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid, so he avoids eye contact with me now. I probably won’t be getting a late night text apology any time soon!)

Somewhere between a few weeks and few months after The End, my phone has chirped to reveal an out-of-the-blue text message, usually from a contact who I’ve deleted from my phone, saying "blah blah I’m sorry."

Sometimes they wanted another chance to date me, sometimes they just wanted to clear their conscience. And who knows, maybe some of them just wanted to get in my pants.

None of the breakups/male disappearances were all that dramatic. I never shed one tear over any of them. When shit ended, I might’ve expressed disappointment (if I even had the opportunity), but that is about it. My point is, certainly no guy I’ve dated since my divorce ever walked away from me thinking he’d broken my heart or scarred me for life or turned me into a bunny boiler.

So there’s me, gaping at my phone. 

An apology, after all this time…
do I even care?

Fine, I admit it. My ego loves the apologies. I’m like, hells yeah, you realize that I am kind of awesome and now you’re missing out!

The downside is that I’m often tempted to recycle, and recycling DOES NOT WORK! I know this. You know this. And yet I sometimes try again (see: Todd; John; and most recently Aaron). By the way, recycling for sex/booty call purposes is different and totally acceptable (see: Jason).

Again, I’ve only really been dating for about a year, but I feel like this is an abnormal amount of apologies. Do you agree?

But, the more mystifying question is just why these dudes apologize to me? 

No one has really owed me much of an apology – like no guy has been guilty of more than being an idiot with me. Do their apologies say something solid about my character, that they want to win back my respect? or do I remind them of their guilty-dishing mothers? Or maybe I’m just good enough in the sack that they want to take a shot? (Not that I slept with all of the apology distributors, but they could use their imaginations based on the data they collected.)

What is your experience with former flames apologizing?  And can you shed any light on my experience?!

Why Did I Dump A Smart, Cute Guy Who Thought I Was Super?

"Wanna go out, Kat? I'll drive!"

After weeks of texting  and FaceTime chats with Lucas, we finally saw each other again.

Last Sunday and then again on Friday, Lucas came over. (I’m still in a leg brace while my broken kneecap heals, so I can’t really go anywhere.) We ate takeout, we watched 80s movies. He held my hand, he kissed me good night. He said he wanted to see me again – and soon. 

After he left on Friday I just knew. I was sure of it! So, today, I told him:

“I have really enjoyed getting to know you the past few weeks, but I don’t feel that we are quite the right match for dating.”

Bummer, right?!

Why didn’t I feel that Lucas and I were the right match? He seemed to meet the Requirements for Dating Me. He is tall with a great smile, has earned not one but TWO master’s degrees, and thought I was super.

Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a grownup.  After months of dating guys who were too young for me, I want to date a grownup. I mean it.

Once my relationship with Lucas moved from texting and FaceTime to real life, I discovered that he was a 23-year-old trapped in a 33-year-old’s body:

1. Lucas sleeps like a 23-year-old. He prides himself on sleeping until 11 or 12 on the weekends, then takes a nap around 2. By noon on a weekend, I will have gone running and/or attended a yoga class, cooked and ate breakfast while watching a rerun of Beverly Hills 90210, and folded a load of laundry.
2. Lucas drinks like a 23-year-old. Lucas described a night out with a friend as awesome because he got “shitfaced.” His social activities seem to revolve around his quest for getting wasted, including Thursday nights.
   If you’ve ever read my blog, you know that I enjoy kissing, exercising, and drinking. I very much enjoy alcohol, but really it’s that I like spending time and talking with others; a glass of wine in hand complements the experience nicely. Sure, sometimes I do get drunk. But I have not gone out specifically seeking “shitfaced” status in about a decade. BECAUSE I’M A GROWNUP.
3. Lucas dates like an (inconsiderate) 23-year-old. The two times he came over, he was wearing a random t-shirt and jeans. Yes, I was in drawstring pants (thank you, leg brace), but I had on a cute top and makeup! Effort, you guys, I expect a man to put in a little effort if he is going to date me.
   But here’s the kicker. Before he came over on Friday, he asked me if I liked plum wine. I said I wasn’t sure, but I don’t usually like sweet wine. He said I wouldn’t know unless I tried it. Fair enough (but a touch condescending, no?). So what did he do that night? He showed up with ONE bottle of wine – the plum wine – which lo and behold, I hated. His solution was to suggest I open one of my bottles of wine. I had one glass as he proceeded to drink almost the entire bottle of his gross plum wine.
   Oh, and I should also mention that I paid for our takeout and he never said thank you. Rude and tacky.

Last but not least, I did not like the way he kissed.  Oh HELLS no.

I love to kiss way too much to settle for a guy whose kissing style
is inspired by Hannbal Lecter.

Funny how a guy could have seemed like he had such potential over text and FaceTime until real life revealed how incompatible we actually are.

(And no, he did not reply to my "thanks but no thanks" text.)

In the meantime, let’s hope this damn leg brace comes off when I go to the doctor tomorrow! I am so over sweatpants, unshaven legs, and sleeping motionless flat on my back.

Have you ever thought someone could be a good match for dating in the virtual world until the real world wrecked it?

Avoiding Zombies, Sleepovers, and Guys in Their 20s: My 9 Lessons Learned After A Year of Post-Divorce Dating

A year ago, I ventured into the wild world of dating. It had been almost nine years since I was last single. Holy crap, stuff had changed. Online dating was hardly a thing in 2004. The only social networking site anyone used was Friendster. Texting? Yeah right. People still made phone calls on their Razr flip phones. And, most of all, I was nine years older and reentering the dating world with the experience (baggage) of having been in a sexless relationship with an upstanding guy.

Suffice it to say that shit was really different being on the dating scene again in 2013. But you know what? I’ve loved dating. It’s been fascinating to flirt, approach guys, kiss, screw, reject guys, get rejected. I love observing myself and reflecting on my choices. It’s like I’m opening this whole new side to myself, and, man, does she love dating!

Anyway, an old friend of mine, Pete, is recently divorced and attempting to date, so he’s been checking with me and asking about my dating experience.  So, let’s capture my post-divorce/mid-30s dating experience in this week’s blog entry.

My 9 lessons learned from getting back into dating:

1. Don’t go looking for the next significant other or spouse.
   When you first start dating, just have fun. I had no idea what my taste or desire was, so I just went out with anyone who wasn’t a zombie, bigot, or murderer. Thanks to this approach, I met Jason, the Incredible Sex, who turned out to be the perfect person to help me rediscover my sexual self (without the messiness of emotions) and have peel-me-off-the-ceiling sex.
2. It’s OK to have some requirements for dating – and it’s also OK to actually adhere to them.
   I said last year that I had four basic requirements for dating me, and I’ve violated them time and again. I came up with that list with a clear head. I was on to something, so it’s time to start listening to me! (For example, NO MORE 27-YEAR-OLDS.)
3. Getting dressed up is fun.
   Indulge in yourself and have fun dressing for your date. Whatever your best asset is, own it and flaunt it. I’ve been known to send bathroom selfies to my girlfriends so they can tell me what to wear. After years of not being desired, it felt amazing to dress to be noticed and be called sexy.
4. Sleepovers will be really hard.
   Honestly, I had more trouble with my first sleepovers than my first sex. Sleeping over is so very intimate, so don’t rush it. Waking up (assuming you were able to actually sleep) next to someone who isn’t your former spouse is super weird and pretty sad. I spent my first sleepover staring at the clock and contemplating jumping out the window (being on the 39th floor ruled that out).
5. Don’t recycle.
   Give just about anyone a chance, but only one. If it didn’t work with the person on the first time, it probably won’t on the second, third, or twelfth. (See: me with Jason. Or Todd. Or John.)
6. Deleting numbers from your phone feels good...
   I’m big on deleting people from my phone. After the “we’re not a match for dating” conversation, he’s out of my phone. I like the symbolism of deleting someone.
7. …but deleting doesn’t make people disappear! 
   Every guy I’ve deleted from my phone has reappeared! Yup, Todd, John, Zach, Sean, Aaron. They have all come back. (See Lesson 5.) In most cases I could figure out who it was. The best was when I knew it was Aaron, who dumped me in February, asking me to get together for a drink sometime – at 11 p.m. on a Thursday! – and I responded, “I’m sorry, but who is this?” He didn’t respond, and I think it’s safe to say he’ll never contact me again. Ha!
8. People are weirded out that I might blog about them.
   I’ve learned to keep my blog on the DL. Apparently dates don’t want to be written about. For example, Carl. (Too bad, potential suitors! I’m still going to write about you.)
9. Stay true to you.
   I’ve kept a close watch over myself in this sense. First, I stayed single for a while and enjoyed my own company before jumping into dating. I had never been 33 years old and divorced before, so I had no idea what I was doing when I started dating a year ago. All I knew is that I lost some of myself in my marriage, so I had to make sure that I didn’t let that happen again. Part of the thrill of dating is the unknown, but the thrill doesn’t change that you are you. Don’t try to change to be anything you are not.

Don't go out with this guy.
He could be a bigot.

Most of all, I try to live by my brother’s advice: 

I will not be with someone who needs to be convinced that
he wants to be with me. 

He should see me for who I am and just want to be with me. 

As I’ve said before, Max was far from a perfect husband, but he never needed convincing to be with me. He always felt like he was fortunate to be with me.

I would much rather be single than be with someone who is only “meh” about me.

DATING UPDATE:
I had a second date on Sunday with Nick, a guy I was set up with on a blind date, then tomorrow I’m hanging out with Steve (pointless, but fun), then on Saturday I’m going out with Nick again, and finally next Sunday I’m going out with Andrew, a guy I met last night through a friend. Yup, I like dating. Who knows, one of these days dating might even lead to a boyfriend! And in the meantime, I will keep enjoying my life. I am quite good at being single.

What did you learn about dating after your divorce or breakup?

Why Silence Makes Me Scream

The silence was driving me crazy. Where had John gone?!

Yesterday, 13 days since I’d last seen him and 10 days since his odd text, I contacted him through Facebook.

After the first time you didn't want to date me, you clearly felt that you owed me an explanation and an apology. While I appreciated that, I didn't really feel that you had to explain yourself.

While our time recently reconnecting was brief, your sudden and unexpected disappearance has been confusing and hurtful. I find it ironic - and disappointing - that this time, when some sort of explanation would've been the appropriate thing to offer, I haven't heard a word from you.

As the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. So, I take some responsibility and ask that if you're considering getting in touch with me again, please don't.

John wrote back promptly. The long and short of it was that his job did in fact unexpectedly become unstable. He has only told his family as he started looking for jobs in the New York City area… and California?! He was going to contact me when he returned from the West Coast, if I believed that.

I absolutely believe him. (But he still blew his chances with me.) My response:

Of course I believe you. That is a lot to be handling, and I completely understand needing space and time to think. I just wish you had said something days ago. I would have been cool to reconnect when you were ready. Your last cryptic text followed by almost two weeks of silence left me confused and thinking the worst. I hope your job situation stabilizes and that any changes that might happen will be for the better.

Then, finally he wrote:

I understand and apologize for leaving you confused like that. All I can say is that I hope all is well with you, and whether my next message comes from CA or here I will let you know even if you decide to not receive it (which I'll understand).

I got my apology. Good. I told John I accepted and appreciated the apology. But more importantly, I had broken the silence.

Then I deleted his number from my phone – again.

The moral of this story – and men, please listen up:

You don’t have to say much to keep a woman happy.
Silence makes us very unhappy. Just tell us something.

All John had to do was send off a text or two along the lines of “Dealing with a lot at work. Sorry to be out of touch, but will give you a call soon.” Then at least I would have known he was alive and I was even remotely on his radar.

Maybe if John had been in touch once or twice, and then called me, say, tomorrow, we could have had a chance. Maybe we could have stayed on track then actually started dating. Instead, his mysterious retreat and silence left me questioning my own actions, which I needn’t have done.

It's possible I overreacted to the silence, but I know now why it bothered me so much.

Silence slowly destroyed my marriage. Max and I often sat in suffocating clouds of pain and secrets and rejection, but both of us too scared and conflict avoidant to speak up. When I did try to ask him about anything about his lack of desire for sexual contact (or anything else he deemed too private), he would shut down. Answers short. No eye contact. In that silence, I was left questioning and doubting everything about both of us.

In fact, one time I became so frustrated and enraged by Max's silence that I literally screamed, complete with punching my mattress and collapsing into a heap of exhausted, desperate tears.

Silence is a terrible place to live and I cannot go back there again.

These last two weeks taught me that I cannot deal with mysterious silence in the midst of uncertainty. Silence leads to resentment all around. I need to be with a man who can speak up and tell me what he needs, even if it’s that he needs space.

Does silence make you freak out as much as it freaks me out? What dealbreaker has emerged as a result of your breakup?

See also: Silence: A Relationship Killer.

It Sucks to Be Right When You Know You're Going to Get Dumped

Sometimes it really sucks to be right. Sometimes you really want to be wrong. That was me preparing for the end with Aaron.

Yet Again, My Gut Was Right

I had a gut feeling – you know, the one that is NEVER WRONG – that something had shifted with Aaron, the guy I was dating for a few weeks. Never one to hold back, after a couple of days I told him that I felt like he was pulling away. He insisted that it wasn’t so, blah blah. I was all, are you sure, just fill me in. He insisted things were cool.

I didn't really believe him.... but I sure wanted to.

As expected, for the next week, he sent me mixed signals. We all know that mixed signals are code for “I’m not really into this anymore but I don’t quite have the guts to admit it.” It hurt my feelings, you guys. I mean, not like my ex-husband telling me he wasn't attracted to me type of hurt feelings, but still kind of hurt. How did Aaron go from being so “Kat is awesome” to “Kat is whatevs”? 

So, I tested him. 

I asked last Tuesday if Aaron would like to come to happy hour on Friday. He gave me a kind of non-committal answer, the kind of answer you'd never give to someone you're really in to.

Friday morning, he sent me a cute, flirty “good morning!” text and then I didn’t hear from him again. I totally knew it would happen. But I didn’t let my disappointment spoil my night or my weekend. I had a great time with my friends and spent some quality time with my sister and her kids.

(And, yes, I was totally checking my phone all weekend to see if Aaron would shock me and get in touch. Nope.)

Time to Get Dumped, Just Like I Knew I Would

By Sunday, I revisited my How to Get Dumped tips and I called him up. Here's a rundown of the two-minute conversation: 

Me: Look, it’s fine that we are clearly no longer on the same page, but given how much we have shared with each other, I think we both know that you could have handled things better. [I stop talking. Let him talk.]
Him: Um, yeah well… I mean, I think things were starting to go too fast…
[Me, in my head: Are you f-ing serious? You gave me a Valentine's Day card -- I didn't give you one. You set the pace, man!]
Me: We’re both grownups. You could have said something. I gave you the opportunity to tell me and you did not take it.
Him: Uh. Yeah.
Me: Just keep this in mind when you’re dating in the future, OK?
[silence]
Me: OK, well I don’t want to belabor the point here. I wish you well and I’ll see you around town.

Pretty good, right? I didn’t let him off the hook too easily. I called him out for behaving badly, but I totally was mature and even-keeled about it. I guarantee that I will see him out at the bars, and at least I can feel like I stood up for myself a little bit, you know? 

Feeling Sorry for Myself -- But Only For A Moment

And then… I felt sad. Rejected. What the heck! Aaron and I were having fun! I met his friends! We cooked together! We had hot sex! Why didn’t he want me? And why didn't he have the balls to contact me?!

I cleaned my bathroom as I moped. Aren’t I cute? Aren’t I a catch? Aren’t I a decent lay? What happened? This sucks! I scrubbed the shower door harder.

Then, I straightened up. Aaron is one man out of the 3.5 BILLION men on the planet. His opinion of me is just one of many, and one that is not that important in the grand scheme of things. Why should I elevate him to be more than he is? I’ve certainly turned down some perfectly nice men – and hopefully those guys didn’t take my opinion to be any more important or impactful than it deserves.

It doesn’t matter why Aaron chickened out from dating me. I’m hoping to find a relationship, and I’m not going to apologize for that.

And isn't there something to be said for the fact that I knew this was all happening as it unfolded? I can -- and should -- still trust my instincts because, wow, they sure are spot on.

Most importantly, there is no way I was going to convince Aaron – or anyone else – to be with me. Anyone who loves and cares about me just does. (This is my new mantra.)

I felt a lot better. I am well loved. I don't need to waste energy thinking about someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to be with me. 

My bathroom sparkled. And you know what? I kind of do, too.

Who's been where I've been? Are you familiar with this feeling that you know something is wrong but you don't want to believe it?

See also: How to Break Up Like A Man, And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting.

Why I'm Screwed Up: A Brief History of My Sexual Partners

I’ve never had an adult relationship that had both sex AND emotion in proper proportion. Yup, I’m 34-years-old and I don’t remember how to care about a guy and also have sex with him.

I realized this on the first anniversary of my divorce and tears filled my eyes. It was five days after Aaron and I had sex for the first time. 

The more I thought about it, the more I had trouble remembering a time when I had meaningful, lasting sex with, well, anyone in the past decade or so.

Let’s attempt to break down my sexual past and see why I'm screwed up.

Dave – I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old, the summer before I left for college. My boyfriend, Dave, and I were madly, adorably in love with each other. Unfortunately I wasn’t entirely sure I lost my virginity because it was over so fast. (By the way, I doubt I was a good lay either.)  

Random guys in college and into my early-mid 20s – There were kind of a lot of these. I’m not proud of it, but whatever. If nothing else it meant I was super fun to have breakfast with because I had ridiculous stories. For example:

“You guys, I seriously thought about jumping out the window so no one would see me leaving his room. Do you think I would survive jumping out the third floor window? I might’ve tried if it weren’t for this hangover. I probably would’ve barfed on myself on the way down.”

If I remember correctly, and I probably don’t, I think these encounters were always one-time only occurrences. What can I say, I never had a boyfriend in college, and this girl has needs! (Bear in mind that I didn’t discover masturbation until last  year.) Miraculously, I never got attacked or mugged or contracted an STD. 

Dan – I dated Dan for about four months when I was in grad school. He was smart, sweet, and sexy, and definitely more into me than I was in to him. I held him at arm’s length emotionally because we would be going our separate ways after graduation. But that didn’t stop us from having some pretty decent sex. He was the first guy I slept with regularly since Dan. The next one wouldn't come until Max, two years later.

A few more random guys. For example, the guy whose name I didn't know.

Ivan – Ugh, I hate to even tell you about this experience. Ivan was emotionally manipulative and knew exactly what to  say to break down my walls. He sensed my insecurities and made me forget about them. We dated for six weeks when I was 24 and I fell head over heels for this joker. (So embarrassing.) We had sex once or twice and then he dumped my ass like a bad habit. While he was dumping me and I was a blubbering mess, he actually told me that the next time he had sex with someone, he would make sure that he really cared about her first. Uh, thanks. Glad you have that plan in place. I felt used and stupid.

Max – The first year we were dating, I fell in love with him. I was 25 years old and I embraced being completely vulnerable with a man for the first time. I loved how Max smelled, how he wrapped his arms around me, how his hands felt on my skin. I loved being held afterward as we had those talks that can only happen in that precious space after sex. For the first time -- but only for a short time -- I truly connected sex and love, and it was intoxicating.

But, as you well know, this time was very, very short lived. After the first year, our sex life was never normal again. For the next six years, it was infrequent and eventually non-existent. Sex stressed him out so he always seemed to be biding his time until I would orgasm one time and then roll off of him. Sex was no longer a way to show love for each other, but rather a source of pain, rejection, and conflict. 

If this wouldn't screw with your head and heart, you're a much stronger person than I am!

Cheater – Desperate to get laid after no sex of any kind for three years, I had sex with a guy who I knew had a girlfriend. (I didn't know him or her, but still. Yuck.) I completely removed emotion and went for it. I am proud that I never cheated on Max, but somehow I was fine with being The Other Woman for one night because it was Just Sex.

Jason – Sure, I liked him in the beginning, but he was always my Mr. Right Now. Once I dumped him, I viewed him as my sexual plaything. It was kind of amazing how I could just turn off any semblance of emotion I once had for him. As a result, I realized Incredible Sex was turning me into an asshole.

I'm not so great at math, but I would say I've only had something resembling feelings for about 12% of my partners. Hmmm. A little depressing, no?

Now my sexual past is impacting my sexual present.

With all of this in mind, I think it's safe to say I’m dating Aaron. We have gone out to dinner and to the movies (Frozen!) and last week I met some of his friends. We have stayed in and cooked and watched movies and drank wine. All normal dating things, right?

So here’s where I get FREAKED OUT. (Don’t tell him I get freaked out – I’m hiding my crazy on this one.)

I don’t know how to have sex with someone I like. 

Well, I do, because I am, but I am so unsure of everything! I have no clue how much sex is expected when you’re dating. Do I want too much? or not enough? And is it OK to talk or text about it? or do "nice girls" not do that? Is it normal for me to get really into the sex or am I supposed to be more subdued and gradually show my real sexual self? It’s almost like I don’t understand how I can like a guy AND have hot sex… can the two actually go together?!

You guys, I’m a grown-ass lady but this realization made me feel like a Cosmo-reading teen or something. For a flash, I bitterly thought, “Thanks for fucking me up, Max.” And with that, I shook it off and emailed my therapist to set up my first appointment in months. We’ve got some work to do!

Did you have trouble adjusting to allowing sex and emotion to go together after a hard breakup?

See also: 8 Reasons Divorced Sex Is So Much Better Than Married Sex

One Year Later: Why I Love My Divorce

It’s been 365 days since a judge asked me if I really wanted to dissolve my marriage. I answered yes. Not once in the past 365 days have I wavered or questioned if I answered that judge correctly.

Without the burden of trying to save my marriage, I have had the rare and beautiful opportunity to rediscover and redefine myself. In the past year, I have learned more about myself than I ever could have imagined.

Divorce, something I never thought would happen to me, something I thought was for quitters, something that was "not an option" (quoting myself in 2011) is now something I’m almost proud of. 

Here’s why I love my divorce and the lessons it has taught me:

• My divorce proved that you really can love each other but you cannot stay married. My ex-husband never made me doubt his love or devotion. It was maddening and insanely hurtful that he wouldn’t be intimate with me, but I did know it was his deep-seeded issue and not a reflection of his love for me. I am fortunate that I still believe in love.
  
• My divorce showed me that I have a strong support network. I felt so alone and humiliated as I protected Max and my relationship disintegrated. Once I knew the relationship was over and I started revealing the truth to my inner circle, no one made me feel judged. When I needed love or encouragement, it was a matter of which incredible person’s support I wanted to pick. I will never forget this.
  
• My divorce is a reminder that divorce doesn’t have to be cruel. Max and I lived together for six months after the divorce was final, and we learned how to be respectful of each other’s space while slowly cultivating a friendship. We continue to work on our friendship.
  
• My divorce awakened my sexual self. I bought a vibrator. I started hooking up with a guy seven years younger than me. I slept with someone’s boyfriend (will not repeat). I had peel-me-off-the-ceiling Incredible Sex for months. My sexual self is awesome. I’m pleased to remake her acquaintance.
  
• My divorce means I got to meet you, dear reader, through my blog and Twitter. Your stories and comments have helped me sort through my mess of complicated emotions. I am so grateful!

Most importantly, my divorce symbolizes taking control of my future and my happiness. I felt trapped and miserable and terrified of the D word. I changed all of that. And my life is better because of it.

Thank you for readership and support of Surviving and Thriving in the First Year of My Divorce. Let’s continue the ride and join me for another year! 

GUEST POST: How Algorithms Make It Easy to Find Love... and Throw It Away

Yoshi's on the left and
I'm on the right.

You've heard tales about my friend Yoshi over the past year, and now you get to hear from him directly! He's got a weird sense of humor, sometimes he's rude, and he's become a close friend of mine. He has listened to my sometimes sweet and other times idiotic dating stories, and now he asked to share his story. I said absolutely!

Lovestruck in Calculus

Years ago when I was in college, there was a sweet (looking) girl in my calculus class. "Looking" is in parenthesis because I had actually not talked to her more than few words.

There was no Facebook at the time, so the only information I had on her was her name. My options were limited to getting to know her in the old fashioned way. As a first step of this, I wanted to ask her to my fraternity formal (years later I found out that there was this thing called "asking someone to coffee"), so I set up a plan.

Right after the final exam, I planned on asking her to my formal as she left the building. In order for this to work, she couldn't leave the exam before me. So on exam day, I just wrote down my name, filled random bubbles on my Scantron sheet, and bolted out the door. I waited outside the door of the math building, eagerly awaiting my soon-to-be date. It was cold, and I must have waited at least half an hour. Where was she?

The moral of the story? Always check how many doors the building has and getting "D" in calculus sucks.

Algorithms Lead to Love...

That was a decade ago. Things are different now. With the rapid advancement of the technology such as online dating websites, you get to go on a first date knowing most of the person's information. It seems to be working too; according to eHarmony, 236 of its members marry everyday in the United States as a result of being matched on eHarmony.

We live in the generation of dating where we have the "find love" and "next please" buttons on our fingertips. The online dating sites such as eHarmony (and, Kat's favorite, OKCupid) use complex matching algorithms and select the potentially successful matches. The numbers strongly suggest that the algorithm is the result of more than just a conceptual theory. Clearly, finding love has become easier and more convenient (or so eHarmony's PR team tells me).

...But Do Algorithms Make It Too Easy?

As someone who makes his living in the field of technology, I am happy to see that the technology is helping to solve one of the oldest and most complex needs of humanity. However, it is worthwhile to note there are side effects of technology-driven convenience:

 we have a tendency to easily let go of things that are not hard earned. 

(See Kat's articles about her dumping guys she met online, and then it was her turn to get discarded.)

Whether one is for or against online dating trend depends on the individual's definition of "dating." If one sees dating as a road to happiness, then the technology has in fact made this road much easier to travel. So that's a good thing. Who wouldn't want happiness, and who wouldn't want to get it more efficiently?

You may be wondering why I am stating the obvious. Well, I am not.

Most of the readers who read The Requirements for Dating Me would agree that I am a weirdo (OK, we are still on the "stating the obvious" part). If you are not convinced, the next few lines might change your perception.

I find joy in walking the road of uncertainty. Even if it's misery that welcomes me at the end of this journey, as long as I get to suffer it in the old fashioned way, I will be happy, in a weird way, as Kat would put it.

Final words

I, too have been on dates using an online dating site. While writing this, I tried to remember the name of the last girl I went on a date with from the online dating site. I sadly couldn't.

Ironically, I can still remember the name and the face of the girl who indirectly made me stand in the cold for 30 minutes almost a decade ago. I will remember her every time I see the only "D" in my transcript.


Yoshi is a twenty-something year-old single guy who thinks Marilyn Monroe was the last great American beauty.

7 Steps to Getting Dumped While Still Looking Like a Grownup

In the past year, I’ve been the one to walk away from the guys I’ve met. Truth be told, I always felt like, really, you need me to tell you that we’re not a good match? But, okay, I will tell you thanks but no thanks.

So, to maintain balance in the dating universe, it was high time that my ass got dumped.

A Few Great Dates Go Nowhere

John and I had a great non-date that was followed by three great real dates over the course of the following week. He called or texted me everyday last week. He made references to things he wanted to do with me when the weather got warm. We made out and smooched a ton. It was all going swimmingly! I was starting to crush on this guy. Yay, dating is fun!

Friday night, we went out to dinner (I paid this time) and then we hung out at my apartment. We made out (at my insistence, we kept it very high school), and then he kept me company while I baked chocolate chip cookies. We talked about a ton of stuff very openly... maybe too openly…

It was almost midnight. Earlier, we’d kicked around having him sleep over, and then he didn’t. You guys, even though I’ve been out of the dating scene a long time, I know how this shit works. This wasn’t a good sign. But what the heck happened? Didn’t we just have a nice night?

I didn’t hear from John at all on Saturday, which was inconsistent with his behavior the previous week. We had plans for Sunday. Dammit. I knew what was coming, though I had no idea why. My ass was going to get dumped. But I decided I wanted to have some say in my dumping.

7 Steps to Getting Dumped While Still Looking Like a Grownup

1.      See the signs. If he usually texts you back within minutes and it’s now taking an hour (and with no apology), that’s a sign. If you usually don’t part ways without discussing the next time you’ll see each other and tonight he scurried out the door, that’s a sign. If your stomach is dropping but not in a fun way, that’s a sign.

2. Admit what the signs mean. Start to emotionally prepare yourself for what’s probably going to happen. I think being prepared helped take the sting out of the inevitable for me.

3. Don’t wait around for him to dump you. If I were going to get dumped, I wanted to get dumped when I was ready for it. I called John on Sunday (after he was being slow to responding to my texts) and said, “I am sensing that something about the way you feel about me has changed. Can we talk about that?”

4. Calmly respond to his reason (if given)... The gist of it was this: John said that he realized that the fact I’m allergic to dogs is a deal breaker (by the way, that information was in my OKCupid profile, so why did he ask me out?!) and that he was concerned that he was “too square” for me. (Ironic word choice, given that "square" is how I describe my ex-husband.) I responded that I thought it was a shame to stop seeing each other this soon when we were having fun getting to know each other, etc. No begging, just responding with my perspective.

5. …then stop talking. We started talking in circles. That’s annoying and no one comes out looking or sounding good. So break the cycle and stop talking.

6. Conclude the conversation in a grownup way. I said if he was sure that he didn’t want to continue seeing each other then I respect his decision. He responded that he wasn’t sure, but he knew that wasn’t fair to me. I said, “Listen, like I told you the other night, I never want to be with a guy who needs to be convinced that he wants to be with me. So, hold on to my number, and if you come around, give me a call and if I’m still single we can see what happens. And otherwise I wish you well and I hope you find the right person for you.”
Classy (in a "I'm still kinda hoping you come to your senses" kind of way), right?

7. Be an idiot. Once you have ended the call with your head held high, you don’t have to act like a grownup anymore. Cry. Whine to your friends. Go to a bar and smooch that cute guy who's way too old/young for you. Put on your flannel pajamas and eat a pile of nachos while watching reruns of "Full House." Do whatever you have to do. (Just don't contact the person who just dumped you. That's not the kind of idiocy to strive for in this situation.)

(Or just booty call a reliable option.)

After the call, I moped a little and text-whined to my friends. I pondered the ridiculousness that he was too square for me – I mean, come on, I work in Corporate America, shop at Banana Republic, read for book club – I’m plenty square myself! But not the night of my dumping. Obviously, I texted Jason for some Incredible Sex. He came over, we smoked up, and then got frisky. Ah, it was good to be an idiot the night of my dumping. The next day, I shook it off. I ran six miles and fired off some messages on OKCupid and Match.

But in all seriousness, here’s the most important thing. You rarely know the real reason why someone dumps you, nor do you always share the details of why you don’t want to see someone anymore. All that matters is that it doesn’t matter.

As my brother recently said to me, I should be with someone who wants to be with me, plain and simple. No considering it, no having to think about it. 

Even though my marriage ended in divorce, I can tell you that Max never didn’t want me. Since our first date, he thought he’d hit the jackpot. I can find that again.

In the meantime, I’ll have to let some guys go, and some guys will let me go. I’m holding out for the guy who wants to be with me because I’m me, allergies and all.

What is your advice for the one getting dumped?

See also: Why Does Rejection Suck So Much?