Sunday, June 30, 2013

I Got Laid! Now What?

Dear readers, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. After three years as an involuntary born-again virgin, I’m happy to report that I have re-lost my virginity. 

Yes, folks, Kat finally got laid!

Allow me to share the story with you.

Last weekend at Nora’s wedding, I ended up hanging out late night at the after party at the hotel. The group got smaller and smaller. Eventually it was just me and this guy who I’ll call Cheater, someone I’d never met or talked to before, sitting around a fire pit. We started talking about the bride and groom and what a great couple they were. Then, the conversation took a big turn.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" he asked.

I took a sip of lukewarm white wine from my Solo cup. "Sure," I replied.

"How did you know that it wasn’t right with your ex-husband?" he asked carefully.

Well, this opened the floodgates for Cheater. He started telling me all about his girlfriend and that he thinks he knows he should break up with her but… (I’d heard bits about this drama from Nora before, but I pretended it was all new information. That is how girls operate.) Somehow I turned into his therapist and was very blunt with him, telling him obvious things that I learned the hard way, like if shit is not functioning right now, it’s only going to get worse if you ever get married. I should have charged him $200 an hour for my wit and insight.

Next thing I knew, he was throwing curveballs at me and totally started hitting on me, telling me how amazing I am, how hot I am, blah blah blah. Even in my tipsy state, I rolled my eyes at his sweet drivel but in spite of myself, I enjoyed hearing it. He was also practically salivating when he found out I hadn’t had sex in so long. Given I’d been drinking for about 17 hours, I was a little slow on the uptake at first, particularly because he had a girlfriend. (I’m kind of na├»ve in that I assume that people in relationships don’t cheat.)

Once I caught on, I debated. I mean, this is a random dude and I know he has a girlfriend. Obviously I didn’t know his girlfriend, but still, not very classy on my part to get it on with him. Then, the other part of me kicked in with, “But he says he’s dumping her, I'm not the one with a significant other so it’s his problem if he cheats, and he’d probably be pretty good in the sack.”

The sun was coming up, the birds were starting to chirp, so it was decision time.

Yeah, we all know where this went: back to his hotel room for two hours of raunchy fun. During breaks, I looked him square in the eye actually said to him, “You realize you have to tell your girlfriend, because if you don’t you’re a major dirtbag.” I really know how to contribute to the mood, don’t I?

By 7:30 a.m., thanks to 23 waking hours and several orgasms, I was done. Cheater asked me to stay and sleep with him, but I declined. (I still can’t handle sleeping beside a man – it’s just too much.) Before I left, he asked – no, begged – me for my number. I shrugged and gave it to him. If I had to do over, I would’ve said no. But anyway…

Andrea hits some ugly sheets with her Resident Assistant.
Back in my hotel room, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Remember how when Andrea lost her virginity, she asked Brandon if she looked different? [Sorry, another Beverly Hills 90210 reference.] Or in Judy Blume books, when girls get their periods they look in the mirror and wonder if they look different? This was me at 7:30 a.m.: 33 years old and after aching for sex for so long, I’d finally gotten it. Did I look different? Well, I looked like a hot mess, that was for damn sure, but other than my explosive hair and streaky makeup, I looked the same. The same woman who once had good sex with Max, then had zero sex with Max, and was variously rejected by Todd and the 26 Year Old, had finally gotten laid!

Um, now what?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past week, which is part of why I’ve been holding out on you with this juicy tale (the other reason was that I had to tell Nora before I told the blogosphere). Now that I’ve finally had sex again, oddly, I kind of don’t care when I have it next. I don’t regret having sex with Cheater (even if it was hardly my classiest choice), I am still loving my off and on “friendship” with the 26 Year Old, and my vibrator is still rocking my world, so the sexual side of me is definitely not going dormant again. But maybe it’s best for me to hover at third base until I have a boyfriend again. I don’t need My Number going up and therefore risking getting an STD or something fun like that. Further, it would be nice to be able to have sex with a man and then want to sleep beside him afterward, and I am not quite ready for that yet.

By the way, Cheater called me on Monday. He turned me into his therapist again, still hemming and hawing over what to do about his girlfriend and telling me that he has never opened up to anyone like he has to me. I gave him more tough love. Then I told him he cannot be in contact with me as long as he has a girlfriend, but whenever I do see him through our mutual friends, he need not worry about me, his secret is safe. He was relieved that I can be discreet (other than telling YOU, dear readers!). Oh, and he asked, “I believe everything you said to me was true, but I have to ask… Was that really your first time having sex in three years?!” I said, “Yup, you can’t make that shit up!”

Six days after this phone call, I can now tell you with certainty that even if he breaks up with his girlfriend (and that's a big IF), I’m not interested. He is a sweet and fun guy and we had a great time together, but the last thing I need is a to date a guy I cannot trust and has a lot of relationship baggage. Unfortunately, he has both characteristics. Cheater, I wish you all the best!

It’s your turn. What was your first sex post-breakup like? Who was the person? Were you able to enjoy it? Any regrets?

See also: In Favor of Casual Sex.
Super Sunday Sync


  1. My first time post-divorce was with a married guy. I knew he was married when I decided to go home with him (his wife was out of town) but didn't know until I got to his house that he also had a 6 week old kid. Talk about classy moments... :( But yes, I still had sex with him. It wasn't great but it got the job done.

  2. Ewww a kid too... Yikes. Oh well, though, right? I think as long as we don't keep making those not classy choices, we can give ourselves a pass. We've been through a lot!

  3. Hi Divorced Kat, Love your blog! I'm writing a book about bridesmaids and I'd love to interview you. Everything can be anonymous and it would just take a quick phone call. Would you be up for it? I can send you details over email if you write me a note: Thanks so much!

  4. I'd love to help. I will email you. Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  5. Congrats! The first post divorce sex is always great. The problem is, now that you opened pandoras box your going to be hornier!!! Lol!!! I am so happy you finally got over that hurdle and got it in!

  6. My 26 Year Old and my vibrator have already waaaaay upped my sex drive. :) I can't believe I used to go so long without. NEVER. AGAIN.

  7. I know, isn't it terrible?! We basically didn't have sex the whole time we were married, and not much in the few years prior! I think having the first sex be meaningless is probably a good idea -- like you said, just to scratch the itch. :)

  8. Because you and I are secretly the same person, my-almost first (long story- there was one before it but it was Bad Idea Theatre) post-divorce experience was also at a wedding. Congrats! Personally, I went a little "kid in a candy store" my 1st year out but I know that's not for everyone ;-)

  9. Of course your pseudo first time was at a wedding! Ha! I had my "kid in a candy store" days... and I'm trying NOT to repeat that!

  10. Boston Single GirlJuly 1, 2013 at 5:55 PM

    Oh sweetie, been there lived through that! The final 3 yrs of my marriage we slept in separate rooms and lived like roommates. My vibrators got lots of action while he got a lot of side action! Meaningless "scratch the itch" sex has it's role.

  11. I didn't use a vibrator until after I was divorced! I was gathering cobwebs. Terrible.

  12. I'm a total prude. Maybe it's because I don't often "itch"? Max and I might be a good pair, honestly! I'm very strange but... I don't think I could do the whole "meaningless sex" or rebound thing. I get attached. I WANT a relationship. I want the whole deal. I can't just... do that and walk away. It's not me. Although, I kind of dated a guy for a month while my divorce was on its 90 day (it still is, technically) and I probably COULD have had sex with him - we were at the tipping point in bed where I could have said "yeah let's do it", but I said no. Because although he was wanting a divorce from his wife (who lived out of the country!), it wasn't 100% certain, and I didn't want to have sex with a man who I might not end up really in a relationship with. I guess I'm just messed up? :-\

  13. Don't call yourself a prude! The thing is that both sides of the couple need to be on the same page. If you both only want sex once a month, fine! If you both want it everyday, fine! It's when there's absolutely no balance that it becomes unfair to both parties (but especially the one with the higher sex drive because we lose by default).

    If you can't do random hookups, then props to you for not giving in to them. I was desperate for physical contact, and if I weren't careful, I could've ended up mounting anyone with a pulse. But ultimately, I would love to physically AND emotionally intimate with someone... but the emotional side will take awhile.

    I think the best thing we can do is try our best to stay true to ourselves through the healing process. Fingers crossed we can!

  14. The sad part is, I'm kind of like Max. I'm just not that into sex. I haven't had it for 7 months so far and I'm doing alright. I was living ur relationship, except I was Max. I never wanted sex. It hurt, I didn't like it, it wasn't fun. So my hubby hardly ever got any. That includes other sexual things as well. It may be psychological, it may be physical, it may just be the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him any longer. Whatever the reason, I'm just hoping that when I meet the right person that sends the sparks flying, I can have sex and it will be enjoyable. fun. Maybe even... GASP, pleasurable. Too much to ask? This is my very first blog post:

  15. well, good for you! And, he sounds like a bit of a loser, so good thing you gave him the cold shoulder after that!

  16. Nice guy, but not the person for me to date! Just the person for a nice roll in the hay. :)

  17. How interesting for you and me that we've "met" each other. A difference for Max versus you is that there is no physical pain for him -- it's psychological. But anyway, I left you a comment on your blog. Thinking of you!

  18. Hi you have a Very Nice Blog. . .

    How about we follow each
    other? let me know.

  19. Thanks for the laugh! Congrats!! As long as you are in the drivers seat right? You know the old saying - once a cheater always a cheater so pass on him for relationship potential and just stay strong! Men!!???

  20. Definitely not relationship potential. Good thing I wasn't looking for a relationship! ;)