Monday, January 13, 2014

How to Dump Someone You Aren’t Really Dating

In the last nine days, I have had seven dates/non-dates, and five of them were with guys I didn’t want to see again. (Thank you, OKCupid and Match!) What does that tell me? Online dating comes with a lot rejection. Yuck!

Sometimes you know immediately you’re not going to be into the person. They say you have seven seconds to make a good first impression. After my past nine days, I totally believe it. For example, I had a terrible coffee date on Saturday – the guy was painfully awkward  -- and I knew within about four seconds that it was going to be a bust. 

In other cases, the person might make a good impression – he’s cute! he’s got a good job! he’s geographically desirable! – but over your coffee/beer/Malbec, you realize there’s just zero chemistry. I went out with that guy last Thursday. We had a very nice time over two glasses of wine but it just wasn’t there. You can’t force it. Trust me, you can’t. (I've tried.)

Or maybe he was such a maniac on the first meeting that you kissed him so you decide to just go out with him again for the hell of it. (Wait, other people don’t do that? Whoops. Cut me some slack, I’m new to dating!) But at dinner you’re sure – this guy is a total d-bag. Yeah, I'm talking about Vic.

One way or the other, a person who is dating is looking for something – maybe true love, maybe just a lay. (Who am I to judge?) Regardless, don’t waste anyone’s time if you know you’re not feeling it.

Here’s how I dumped four guys in one week.

The Totally Boring, Nothing to Talk About, Get Me Out of Here Date

If it’s the end of the date and you know you don’t want to see him again, don’t say you want to see him again. You don't want to see him again, and that's OK! Smile and then say nicely – but firmly – “It was nice meeting you. Have a good weekend!” and then walk away. This *should* work. If not, see below...

The Potential But No Chemistry Date

Sometimes you just don’t know at the end of the date if you’re interested in going out a second time (which, by the way, means you don’t and you don’t want to admit it to yourself). That’s OK. Think about it. Talk to your friends about him. Or do what I do – blog and tweet about him.

When you come to your senses, do what I do and hope you don’t hear from him. When you inevitably do, text him back with “Thank you for asking me out again, but I don’t think we’re a good match for dating. Good luck with your search!” (This line is inspired by Back On Top, a fun book that I highly recommend for divorced women, and this Huffington Post article.) After just one or three dates, dumping via text or email is fine. The responses I’ve gotten have been either silence or just “OK.” Worked for me!

Now let’s say you really, really hoped the cute, smart, geographically desirable guy would eventually light your fire so you’ve gone out with him several times and/or you've seen each other in some state of undress. Once you get real about how you don't feel, you should probably make a phone call to dump him (I did this with David in August). I know, you want to hide behind your iMessage, but come on. Be nice and do the right thing.

Call him when you think he might be free because dumping over voicemail is as bad or worse as dumping over text. Quickly tell him the same line – you are not a good match for dating. Put a period at the end of your sentence because it's not a question, it's a statement. The call will probably take about two minutes if you are succinct and don’t talk too much. Wish him well and hang up. Done!

The key is to be direct and firm
but also polite when you deliver the news. 

Wouldn’t you want the same courtesy?

What are your breakup tips, either as the dumper or the dumpee?

Now a quick update on John, the Just Right Date you heard about last week… we hung out on Saturday and it was great. I haven’t hung out with a guy where the conversation just flowed and I didn’t have any nagging “what about that huge red flag you’re pretending isn’t there” voices in my head since… my first date with Max, which was nine years ago this month. Yikes! John and I have dinner plans on Thursday. I’m looking forward to it!
I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop


  1. I admire your plan, Kat. You are taking dating seriously and will find the right guy. I'll probably be a little disappointed since I love your dating stories. :)

  2. 7 dates in 9 days?? you go girl!

    Way back, i was on the fence about a guy I SO WANTED to like, he was a fireman (I LOVE firemen!) it just wasn't there. He asked me on a 3rd date & i gave the "thanks... you're really sweet, it was nice meeting you--but I just don't think we're a match." He responded with: "So i guess a blowjob is out of the question?" Totally re-affirmed my feeling the guy was an ass-clown.

    There is a right & wrong way to break-up with someone, I always tried to be respectful but found most guys were total pus--, sorry, chickens about it.

  3. This makes me glad I am married! LOL Yeesh. Totally forgot how crazy the dating scene is.

    My best breakup tip? Umm...hmm. Tell them you're really gay. Or you're joining a convent. And then, don't answer their calls or texts ever again. What?! I've been out of the game for four years. I know nothing anymore.

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  5. He will appear when he is supposed to, whatever that may end up meaning! :) Thanks for following along!

  6. I like that you're polite, even when delivering bad news. There's a lot to be said for consideration of other people's feelings!

  7. We're all out here trying, so no need to be mean to anyone. Well, unless he REALLY deserves it. ;)

  8. Ah, online dating... I remember well that awkward goodbye at the end. I always felt like I knew pretty early on whether I wanted a second date and if I wasn't feeling it I'd just relax and be as weird as comes naturally and then know that neither of us would be broken hearted to never ever speak again.

  9. OMG! I know exactly how you feel. I did a dating service years ago when I was single and I met so many guys that I knew almost immediately it wouldn't work, and then I stayed the rest of the date just to be polite.

    My biggest advice is not to do that. If you know it's not going anywhere, don't waste your time or his. Say it's been nice meeting you and then get out of there. He'll probably thank you for it.

    I also used to use your "It's been nice meeting you" line and not saying anything else. It works!

    Good luck. The right guy is out there for you. If I could find mine, and I'm a complete disaster, then you can find yours. You have a very positive attitude, which makes all the difference. :0)

  10. I haven't been on the dating scene in a long time. I imagine I would have a similar experience if I tried to get back out there. I love your humor about it.

  11. I totally get what you mean about not feeling it! I dated a few guys just to be 'nice' and it was just a waste of both our time!
    So glad you found your just-right guy!

  12. I know, we don't want to be rude, but at the same, isn't it more rude to pretend you want to be with someone when you don't?

  13. Thanks Mimi! Dating can be lovely and nutty.

  14. YES, the awkward goodbye! Hate those. I think they're only awkward when I'm either meh or NO WAY about the guy.
    I agree, I think you know pretty quickly if the person has any chance for another date.

  15. Thanks Lisa! It seems like part of the key is to stop talking. Say "nice to meet you" and then peace out.

  16. OMG. Just found your blog today. Are you me?? Seriously.
    I'm 34, got divorced this past October (I was 33)- no kids, married for 11 years to a guy I've known since college. Same marriage problems- lack of passion/sex, crying in my bed at night... blah blah... I was a total good girl, blah blah.

    I now live in my own 1 bedroom apartment, and have had more great sex than ever before in my life. Also, I've learned to smoke a bowl without coughing my lungs up. I drink, I party, my friends are worried about me - but you know what? I'm having fun!!! I need this!!

    And yes, I'm doing the online dating thing too. (Have you heard of Tinder?? If not, google it, now.)

    I've also experienced kissing 2 guys in the same night and laughing about it to myself, having multiple dates in a week, dating a guy younger than me who is SO not my type but I can't help myself, and also doing the awkward breakup stuff. I feel like I could've written exactly what you wrote- right down to my dad, taking me to the divorce lawyer the first time- telling me he was proud of me.

    Keep rockin it girl. You've given me a little hope that I am actually not crazy.

  17. I completely feel your pain, Kat! I have become a real hard ass since I've gotten divorced and having my son. If there's no connection, I just say "It was nice meeting you...but I gotta go." And I just walk away. Dating is a real pain lol. I've held off for the moment, but I knew I'll eventually have to get back into the game. Wishing you the best!

    Thanks so much for sharing on Turn It Up Tuesday! We love having you! :)

  18. Wow, that is CRAZY. I'm so glad you found me! Please follow me on Twitter so we can chat!

  19. Why waste anyone's time if it's not there. I'm working on being secure enough that I can let a guy go -- even if he's interested in me -- because I know in my heart it's not right.
    No rush to get back to this craziness of dating! I'm hanging in until the end of January and then taking a break if I haven't met anyone cool.

  20. If you are not in a relatioship, you are not "dumping" or "breaking up". You are simply turning someone down for a date. No need to call and say you wont be seeing them again unless THEY call and ask. If I went out with a guy a handful of times and he called to say he wont be seeing me again, I'd think it was pretty weird.

  21. Good point. In these cases, the guys did actually ask me out again and I had to say no. I couldn't believe I had to say it!