Monday, May 12, 2014

My Boyfriend is NOT an Insecure, Sleazy Vegan Who Doesn't Drink or Eat Gluten

"If I wuz ya boyfriend, I'd never let ya go!"
Dear Boyfriend,

I can’t wait to meet you!

It’s been just about two years since my relationship with Max ended, the day he told me that he wasn't attracted to me. Since then, I have cried in bathrooms, gone and still go to therapy, blogged and tweeted, ran two half marathons, and dated my Mr. Right Now. I continue to soul search and grow from my divorce so I can have an open heart and mind when I meet you.

In January of 2014, I decided I was ready to find you.

You might be anywhere, which is very exciting. I could meet you in the bagel shop, at my office (that’s where I met Max), at a gas station, on a dating website, or at Chipotle. So, I have been trying extra hard to talk to strangers. After all, you are probably a stranger to me right now.

Well, Boyfriend, last week I met two guys and I learned some things about what you will not do. 

1. You will not treat me like Foursquare.

I met this guy, Steve, at a bar. I didn’t really think he would be you, but I guess I was feeling friendly and optimistic. The night after we met, Steve asked if I wanted to meet him out. I said I had plans with friends. He then texted me four more times over the next 90 minutes, checking in with his location! What was this, reverse stalking? What the hell did I care which bar he was at? I said I was busy! 

Boyfriend, you will not be so needy and insecure or desperate to get laid or whatever.

2. You will not make sexually suggestive comments (until we are dating, of course).

After Steve got my number, he noticed pink streaks on the underside of my hair. He proceeded to make comments in person and then repeatedly over text about wanting to see my “wild side.” Ewww. ( I broke plans to meet him for drinks. He was clearly not you, dear Boyfriend.)

OMG, you're gorgeous.

3. You will not shun delicious wheat and eggs and cheese.

I went out twice with Bill, a short, small man who I met through OKCupid. Bill is smart and interesting but once I found out that he was a vegan who doesn’t eaten gluten, I knew he wasn’t you. Yes, I follow a strict vegetarian diet, but I am not vegan. That’s just too big of a pain in the ass. AND he doesn't eat gluten?! (And no, he does not have celiac.) I pictured him nibbling on grass. But maybe dirt has gluten?! Sigh.

Mark my words, Boyfriend: you and I will eat amazing egg and cheese bagel sandwiches on Sundays. And yes, you can have bacon on your sandwich.

4.     You will not order unsweetened iced tea… at a bar.

Bill asked me out for coffee for our first meeting, and I thought, “Shit! Coffee dates are for losers! They never work!” So I said I’d rather go to a bar. We did meet at a bar, and it turns out that not only did Bill not eat animal products or gluten, he doesn’t drink. At all. 

Boyfriend, I know you’re laughing that I even bothered going out with him, but I had to try! I know now that you and I will drink together, with my friends, and with my family. Every once in a while, we will drink too much and have hot sloppy sex or a stupid argument. And some nights we’ll snuggle on the couch while sipping our glasses of wine, and then nod off while watching “Back to the Future.”


These might sound kind of horrible experiences, but I never see it that way. When I meet people like Steve and Bill, it helps me know more surely that I will know you when we meet. 

Boyfriend, we will be secure in our relationship and we’ll never worry what the other one is doing when we’re not there. You will be appropriately flirty with me (and eventually we’ll have hot, sweet sex). We’re going to eat carbs and drink alcohol. I know I'm not asking too much, so I know you're out there.

We are going to have a great time together!

Love,
Kat

P.S. I hope you show yourself soon. Just saying!

18 comments:

  1. Live by SurpriseMay 13, 2014 at 9:23 AM

    LOL. A short, small man. Good one Kat. Kissed a few frogs on my way to my prince too. I feel for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. His profile said that he was 5'6", which I knew meant 5'5" or even 5'4". I'm 5'5" and I felt generally bigger than him. Bummer!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amen on the needy. I found a guy, he seemed cool. We had chemistry ... but then I got the location texts. And seriously, I don't care. Unless you are late or supposed to be meeting me somewhere if we aren't officially dating I really REALLY don't care. Ugh. Neediness.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I didn't even "check in" that much when I was married!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Check. Check. Check. Check. Kat you're so cute I can't stand it. Having stumbled onto your blog from other sites and realizing you are local, I took an interest in your writings; really some of the most sincere, sweet. vulnerable and unflinchingly honest pieces I have read. Utterly endearing. Who knows...perhaps I'll be the guy at the counter at La Isla having a 5 egg-white omelet (with bacon), or in front of you in line at 3 Star Bagels on a Sunday morning. Whatever the case, I will definitely be the same gluten-free, meat eating, occasional beer/wine drinking 5'11" I am right now. The guy with a good relationship with his family, loving parents, and a crazy fun-loving sibling. The guy who's not too macho but not a pussy. The one who knows how to use grammar and punctuation. But definitely NOT the guy who will order iced tea at a bar (I prefer Sprite - hey it looks like booze in the glass) or the one who will spend any time whatsoever on his "smart" phone, and certainly NOT the one who will endlessly text as the preference for human interaction is a strong one. For the time being, I'll have to pass the time having sloppy, drunken sex much with Ms. Right Now. Loved your letter to the universe. I know plenty of guys who would post something like that if they had the courage. Well, they would if they could write actual sentences anyway. Have faith, Kat, Mr. Right is out there somewhere nearby. He'll know you right away when he meets you. Until then, please continue to keep your fans posted because your writings resonate with a lot of people out there - whether divorced or not.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Food compatibility is so important!! I mean, who wants to make two different dishes every day (though he would totally have to make his own, if it were me!!)?!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ha, well I actually did the two dishes thing (sometimes) with my ex-husband because he ate meat. He was usually too lazy to cook up meat so he often ate vegetarian dinners. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks so much for your kind words! I truly appreciate the compliments. The reason why I don't use my real name on my blog is so that I can be completely honest about my feelings and experiences; it's very therapeutic for me.
    I am happy to keep writing and sharing my silly life, so thank you for reading!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Kat, this is fantastic! What a fun read. I hope you find your soulmate soon. Be sure to tell us all about it when you do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks Vashti! I will certainly keep you posted on my dating adventures.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh yes, the food compatibility! I love my carbs and my sweets!

    ReplyDelete
  12. My ex-husband didn't drink wine OR coffee. I should've known we were doomed!

    ReplyDelete
  13. This made me giggle. I am a gluten-free veggie who eats little dairy lol. I also don't drink caffeine or alcohol! Probably best we never go on a date ;)
    I'm not coeliac either, but gluten causes a rather unfortunate reaction in me, so it's best to just avoid it. But I do desperately miss decent garlic bread and real pasta!
    Writing a letter to your future partner is a good thing to do though, help you to steer clear of the unsuitable ones, no matter how much chemistry there is!
    Keep dating and having fun, usually it's when you've just having a laugh that you meet the right one :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hahaha well, Michelle, you're right, no dates for us since you're female. I want a BOYfriend. ;)
    I'm vegetarian with little dairy in my diet. I'm fine with being a pain in the ass, but I don't want my boyfriend to be a pain in the ass with eating too. One in my couple is enough for me!
    Anyway, it was fun to write this. He's out there somewhere, and when the timing is right, he'll show his face. ;) Thanks for reading!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I had to do the two dishes every night (me vegetarian, hubby carnivore). Its a recent thing (we've been married 20+ and the all-vegetarian thing is only 3 yrs old) but you can make it work, or you can wait for hubby to make it work himself by developing gout, which... is exactly what happened. XD Now half the week he just eats what I eat - lactovegetarian, light on the lacto. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. My ex used to joke that we'd have to stay in touch after we went our separate ways, if for no other reason than to have an excuse to eat vegetables with me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Gluten Free A-Z BlogJune 19, 2014 at 11:31 AM

    Hilarious!
    I totally get it- even though I am a gluten free/ sugar free vegetarian!! But I do drink wine!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for reading and laughing! ;) I am VERY happy for you that you still drink wine. Life is too short to not enjoy some vino.

    ReplyDelete