Sunday, August 4, 2013

Divorced White Female Seeks Dating Practice From Single Male With Pulse

I was looking through my closet and I realized something tragic: I have some really cute date clothes and NO DATES. This is not OK, you guys. There was one thing for me to do: I signed up for OKCupid, a free online dating site because I’m cheap and not committed to finding a relationship. I snooped the site back in June to see what was out there.

(OK, wait, I kind of lied just then. I actually created an OKCupid profile a month ago. I got about five messages in the first hour, freaked out, and deactivated it. So really I just reactivated my account.)

Signing up for OKCupid so I can wear cute clothes

I figure the timing is perfect for me to try online dating because I don’t care what happens. I’m not looking for a father for my unborn children or husband or boyfriend. I’m not even looking for a second date! My goals with online dating are:
  1. I want to practice meeting new guys. I’m a really honest and kind of blunt person, which is cool when you already like me, but it might be a bit much when you first meet me. So, yeah, I could use practice talking to dudes. Pretty much anyone. Murderers, bigots, and zombies are not invited.
  2. I want to wear cute outfits for men who might actually appreciate them, unlike a certain ex-husband of mine.
That’s it. I’ve set the bar nice and low for myself!

Attempting conversation via OKCupid

I’ve been OKCupid for two weeks. I get a fair amount of messages, but a lot of them aren’t super local. If I were looking for a boyfriend I would be open to meeting someone a little farther from where I live, but I’m not. I want EASY. Basically I don’t want to have to do any work that sounds annoying, which definitely means travel. Filling out my profile met my maximum work exertion at this stage of the dating game.

I am kind of shocked at how lazy/gross people are. Do something to spark up some conversation or indicate what about my profile piqued your interest. Here are some examples of flops I didn’t reply to:
  • hello.
  • Hi. How are you doing today? Just a simple note to spark a conversation. I hope you send a note after checking me out. 
  • How are you doing?
  • Hi. I think you are super sexy. And I would love to be your friend.
Or, my personal favorite came from a shirtless 26 year old:
you have a great smile and gorgeous eyes! I'm in your town visiting friends! Let's text or kik message if you're up for some flirting ;) 

Here's the guy:

Classy screen name, buddy! Yes, the profile picture was hot. Yes, I was tempted for a quarter of a second to reply. Then I realized I wasn't in the mood to contract an STD, so I ignored him.

I have contacted just a few men, and I have really tried to get some conversation going by picking something out of his profile and asking a question. Here is what I’ve written:
  • Congrats on your first book getting published! What is it about?
  • Hi there! I admit it: the fact that you're a good cook intrigues me! I also totally appreciate wanting to surround yourself with positive, upbeat people.
    How has the weekend been treating you? Do anything fun?
  • I must agree, the EZ Pass is pretty awesome. I have family in NJ and DC, and I praise the EZ Pass everytime I make the drive!
    I have an important question for you. Which Back to the Future flick is your favorite? Has it stayed consistent over the last 20 (!!!) years?
Feel free to tell me if I’ve been grossly offensive or boring with these messages, because my success rate on getting responses has been ZERO. It's fine though; you never know what might be a turnoff for the other person. Maybe it’s that I'm 5'5" or that I go to Kelly Clarkson concerts or that I have a master’s degree. I admit it, I've discovered my own silly turnoffs as I peruse profiles, such as guys who abuse or neglect punctuation, never drink, play golf or tennis (or worse -- both!), or are 5’7” or shorter. Fine, fine, call me superficial. But aren’t we all?

But there have been two guys who initiated nice, normal conversation, asked me to meet, and I said yes. EASY. So let’s get to the good stuff: dates! Or as I call the first meetings, non-dates!

Non-dating and non-caring

My first non-date was with Scott. He is 10 years older than me, divorced with three kids. (Not ideal, but again, I’m just practicing so who cares.) We met for a beer and chatted continuously for an hour and a half. It was a perfectly pleasant experience and we have not spoken since.

My second non-date was with David. He is my age, never married, no kids. We met for a beer and had good conversation for – you guessed it – an hour and a half. We sat by the water on a gorgeous night and chatted about everything from religion to soy milk. And he's Jewish! I've never gone out with anyone Jewish and I have always wanted to. He was nervous and chivalrous and just a bit dorky and very sweet.

We hung out again today. We got overpriced coffees and took a walk (he just moved to the area so he wanted me to show him around). It was a sweet Sunday afternoon date. We hugged when we parted ways, and then he asked if he could take me to dinner and I said yes.  [He just texted me to thank me for hanging out today. Awww.]

He’s doing everything right. My two reservations are that I can’t quite picture making out with him (it probably doesn't surprise you that sexual chemistry is hugely important to me now) and that he seems more boyfriend caliber than just a living human for me to practice conversation on and make out with. So, stay tuned.

And yes, David knows I’m divorced and still live with Max! Good sport, right?

Of course I’ll share how my real date with David goes, if that actually happens. I already know the outfit I’m going to wear!

Have you tried online dating since your divorce or breakup? Did it help you revive your dating skills?
elleroy was here


  1. I've been trying online dating. It was fun and pretty amusing at the beginning, but now it's just becoming a bore. All those faces and profile that sound the same. They are all witty and funny - if that was true we would have died of laughter a long time ago. Not sure about the whole thing, but it looks like you're having fun. As long as you like it, go for it!

  2. Good luck with the dating! Be safe. :)

    Visiting today from Super Sunday Sync.

  3. I can definitely picture it getting boring. I think I'll give my site two more weeks and then I'll deactivate it for awhile. I want this to stay fun!

  4. Your post takes me back to when I first separated after 20 years of marriage and tried online dating. Exciting at first. The attention was great. Many dates were fun, but nothing stuck. And then it got kind of gross and I felt a bit.... slutty and weird. The last guy I dated made me hang up my online profile for good - and took me out of the dating game forever (8 years running, no dating, happy me). No, really. Happy....

  5. I've never tried online dating before but I have 2 good friends who met their husband online and I've seen the commercials. Just keep safe and have a back up plan, phone etc. David does sound like a nice guy but still be careful. I LOL at that person's profile pic and the 30% enemy next to him. Hope you're having a great Monday.

  6. I absolutely believe in being single and happy. I'm a million times happier than I was a year ago at this moment.

  7. David wanted to drive me home last night and I said no thank you. He tried to insist until I said, "I'm a woman, I gotta be careful. I could get in your car and discover you're a zombie or a murderer." I thought I was funny, not sure if he did!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog! :)

  8. I just can't bring myself to date online, yet. I do love that you call them "non-dates." That's what I call them too. I've been on a few, all with people I know but haven't spent one on one time with. No follow up non-dates, but it feels good to try!

    Online dating scares me. It's a scary world out there Kat - be careful! xoxo

    Mustang Sally

  9. Sure have! I liked to think of them as non-dates (because, to me, a 'date' seemed like way too much of a commitment). My ex-husband was the first and only guy I had ever dated or been with sexually so I was very curious to 'get out there' and try out the dating thing. And I have to admit that I wanted to see if I had been missing out on better sex (sure was!).
    I "screened" guys on OKCupid extensively for things like similar interests, sense of humor, etc and, if he couldn't hold a conversation there, I had ginormous doubts he could in person. It wasn't hard to weed out the idiots, creeps, or drama magnets. There are a few guys I met up with for a drink just the one time and never met again but there are others I still talk to once in a while. Dates from the dating sites were sort of nice to have during the winter months because it got me out of the apartment and got me out meeting new people and checking out things to do in the area.
    I actually met my boyfriend on OKCupid - he's also divorced, has no kids, is college educated and great in bed. Before he and I decided to be monogamous I had already deactivated my account(s) on dating sites because guys were starting to get sort of weird AND I had two instances of being recognized in the wild (out and about in public) by one or two guys from the site(s). That was way too creepy for me so I decided it was time for a break.

  10. I figure this is no different from going out with someone I meet at the gym or something -- always gotta be careful!

  11. I tried OKCupid and all I got were guys that wanted sex. It was actually quite funny. Most of my online dating came from Plenty of Fish. I was right with you, anyone that seemed semi decent I would meet for a drink. I meet my boyfriend there, and his opening line.... HI...... he is amazing, so don't discount simple, he turned out to be the best conversationlist.

  12. There are plenty of weirdos, and I hate to say it, but I guess you kind of get what you pay for using a free dating site. However, I love hearing that there are some perfectly nice, normal guys to be found online! All the best to you and your new man. And, by the way, I'm THRILLED that he's good in bed.

  13. Wow, good to know! I tend to just ignore those "hi" guys. I will remember your story. ;)

  14. It's nice to dress up and go out, even if it doesn't lead to anything! Hopefully, he really is a nice guy and then you'll have a good friend to hook up with from time to time!

  15. I can't comment on dating, online or otherwise, but I am a little jealous of all your date outfits. I admire you for putting yourself out there. And remember, you are a lovely and normal woman using OKCupid, so there has to be normal guys using it too!

  16. Divorce = retail therapy. Hence all the fun date clothes and no dates!
    And yes, i keep telling myself that I'm normal (well, those who read my blog know the truth), so there have to be a few normal dudes out there.

  17. That sounds like the perfect scenario. We'll have to wait and see... ;)

  18. Linda_Roy_elleroy_was_hereAugust 5, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    It sounds like a jungle out there. Hang tough. And I love that you got in a little retail therapy!

  19. I hope to have lots of junglicious stories for you in the coming months! Thanks for stopping by!

  20. Well, good luck with David! I am Jewish and all my non Jewish friend are married or dating Jews! It is so funny. I can't find a keeper to save my life. So, wear a cute outfit and if it works out with David - give his brother my number.

  21. I am seriously in the same boat. A guy I met last weekend asked me out and I don't think there's relationship potential there but I think he'd be fun to hang out with, so I'm just going for it. I need practice!

  22. Haha thanks! I hope I want to make out with him after our next date. If not -- it'll be a Friend Zone situation.

  23. I think that is the key to this dating thing, especially after divorce -- just hang out with people who seem fun. Don't over think it. That's the attitude I'm trying to keep!

  24. I met my current boyfriend on OkCupid. There were a lot of terrible dates, a lot of really gross messages and a lot of unanswered messages. But I met a couple friends on there and this current guy. I'm from West Virginia, so I didn't expect there to be such a variety of people to connect with. Keep trying it out. Online dating is a weird animal, and I really don't think there's a wrong way to do it. (More like appropriate for the site. Like that guy in your post should be on Have fun and good luck!

  25. OH! I'm suddenly reminded (after reading a few recent comments on this post) of "The Rachel Wilkerson Male Scale". It actually helped me sort out some mixed feelings about different guys/dates. Check it out:

  26. Amen to that! I was clear with guys that I was just divorced and really just wanted to meet new people and have a fun time (not necessarily sexually either).

  27. I found that PoF had a lot of guys that were aiming toward very serious relationships or marriage. There were also more guys on PoF with poor social skills and that were just plain creepy (even though OKC had just as many creepers).

  28. Ohhh cool, I'm totally going to check that out! :)

  29. OKCupid doesn't have the best reputation, so it's nice to hear success stories! Online dating is kind of a series of blind dates. My main thing is to not take any of it too seriously. I'm playing.

  30. As long as I'm not stood up, I think I'll be okay, ha!

  31. I have been browsing online dating for a few months now and had dinner with a nice guy also named David.
    Hes a super nice guy but he is five years younger then me and I don't see him as a boyfriend. I hope we can stay friends thought!!!
    I'm getting to the point that its boring now and I hope to meet someone when I start college this fall.

  32. Online dating fatigue seems to be a common theme, so I'm only going to have this go-around be for a month. Then I'll try another site a little later.

  33. Don @ HowYouCanFindLoveAugust 7, 2013 at 6:07 PM

    I used many different online dating sites. I found that the free ones had many more people interested in hooking up vs. forging an actual relationship. I made it a point to go out on a lot of dates so that I would know what I was looking for. I never "used" it get practice at dating. I'm not saying "practicing" your skills is wrong, as long as you are open to the fact that you might fall for someone.

  34. Really interesting to hear it from the other side.

    I'm a guy also recently divorced, and I've been practising meeting girls, so I know exactly what you mean. I'm good company, so a lot of those dates have been fun, and it's totally ok that they don't go anywhere.
    To my friend also recently divorced I gave the following advice, and I offer it to you as well: By all means go on dates and have fun, but don't even think about a serious relationship for at least 12 months after your split. That gives you a chance to get some experience and decide what you want.

  35. Hi Zane - I love getting comments from men! I like getting the male perspective. Seeing as I just arranged for a non-date with a tattooed 27-year-old, clearly I'm in no rush for a relationship!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog and sharing your thoughts!