Sunday, April 21, 2013

I'm Never Having Sex Again

OK, dear readers, level with me. Is there something unscrewable about me? It’s been nearly THREE YEARS since I last got laid. Would you believe that I’m getting a little impatient?!

As we’ve clearly established, Max and I basically had a platonic relationship. Fine, chock that up to [fill in whatever I learn in therapy]. But here’s what's crazy: I did NOT have sex Tuesday night.

Allow me to explain. Let’s go back to January.

As I recently mentioned, I was seeing a great guy named Todd. He was smart, good looking (though short), good job, wonderful conversationalist, and an amazing kisser. He made it very clear that he was very attracted to me, which would always be music to my ears but especially in the throes of divorce. So after hanging out in his apartment twice and messing around a little, I figure the third time will be the charm. I groomed, exfoliated, and lotioned, just as anyone would if she thinks she might get busy with a cute guy.

I got to Todd's apartment and instead, there was terror in his [gorgeous blue] eyes. Long story short, he had just found out a few weeks before that he had contracted an STD. He was absolutely devastated, but he knew he had to tell me. (I told you, this guy was good people.) As he put it, “I know why you’re getting divorced. The last thing I wanted was for you to think I’m another guy who doesn’t want to have sex with you, because believe me, I really do."

So, we spent that night stranded on third base. Good times, but, you know, it’s just not the same as a homerun. We stopped seeing each other shortly after, partially for this reason but largely because I just wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.

In February, I reconnected with the 26 Year Old, who I'd met at a bar in December. I told him outright that if he was looking for a girlfriend, he’s looking at the wrong person, but if he’s looking to get laid, he’s still barking up the wrong tree. On that note, we went back to his place and hooked up, which started a thing for us. He booty calls me most weekends, and though we usually don’t connect, I LOVE the attention. When we do get together, I think it’s quite clear why: we are using each other. He thinks I’m insanely hot (he tells me so constantly and it never gets old for me) while I love that a younger cute guy just wants to make me feel good. I can be completely direct with him and take some risks because I have nothing emotionally invested in him. This is a perfect arrangement for a newly divorced, sex-deprived woman who still lives with her ex-husband.

Now, as I set the stage for Tuesday, I must bring up two things: begging and sexting.

Begging – Every time we've hooked up the 26 Year Old basically begged me to have sex with him, and shockingly I’ve said no. I had this idea that I was going to wait for a relationship, but that notion has lost its luster. But the last time I saw him, I asked if he had a condom, and he didn’t! I was shocked. I said, "How are you a single guy and not have condoms?!" My point is that was the first time that I showed my resolve crumbling.

Sexting – When Max and I got together in 2005, texting was just starting to be a thing. Given the nature of our relationship, he NEVER, EVER would’ve been game for flirty or sexy text messages. So, on Sunday, when my texts with the 26 Year Old turned a corner into Sexting 101, you can imagine my shock (and enjoyment). I mean, he even sent me a suggestive photo! Kind of made me giggle, but it was also kind of hot.

On Tuesday, he lightly started up the sexting thing again, and I was thought hells yeah, I’m not waiting anymore. I tossed some condoms into my purse and drove like a maniac over to his place. (Good thing Max was sleeping when I left – would’ve been hard to explain where I was going at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday.)

I get to his place, we start fooling around, and I’m all, woohoo let’s get this condom and play properly! And, get this… he rolls off of me, and is all, I’m not sure. I can’t even imagine the shocked and irritated look on my face. I’ve been waiting three damn years for this and you’re saying you’re not sure?! He said something about feeling like he should take it slow with me. Um, what? We went on one date in December, and otherwise we booty call.  He reiterated that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so I asked if he has an STD, and he assured me that he is clean (thank goodness, me too). He claimed he didn’t know why he was hesitating.

FLASHBACK: I got enough “I don’t know” from Max on this subject to last me a lifetime.

We didn’t talk about this for too long because, to further my utter confusion, we proceeded to have a superhot makeout session, with him being as in to me as ever! We're talking the temperature in his bedroom went up by four degrees.

As I drove home I thought two things:
  • Wow, apparently I'm never having sex again. 
  • At least I know exactly what this week's blog topic will be!
The good news is that I still got my orgasms and my ego stroked. But I’m still totally baffled. The 26 Year Old is my booty call, my boy toy, my sure thing! Help me out! Why did I not have sex last week? What happened? Do I not understand something about booty call arrangements? Will I be stuck at third base for the rest of my life?

Related reading: Top 10 Reasons to Use CondomsHow Sexting Can Ruin Your Sex LifeBooty Call Etiquette and,The 9 Rules of Booty Call Etiquette.

Glitter, Glue & Paint
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  1. April 10th? Seven years for me. And that possible date - fizzled out even before I got out the door. It will happen when it does - sort of like being a virgin again but this time the guys are hesitant - the only bad thing as men get older, is that they pick up more sexual/intimate issues - women seem to drop them. Oh, it's Wychie Woman.

    1. Oy, seven years. That's a long time. I hope we both re-lose our "virginity" soon. ;)

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  3. Whoa, that's totally bizarre about the 26 year old. You seem like a really cool woman. Is it possible that maybe he's intimated by the fact that you're older and more experienced? I hope you get some action soon ;)

    1. I guess it's possible, but what the heck?! Why all the talk and no follow through? So odd.

  4. Myself, I quite literally haven't had sex in 15 years, and I don't miss it one single bit. I don't like casual sex, and the men I've been involved with have not been very nice people. The special friend that runs on batteries does not abuse mentally or physically, and I don't have to worry about leaving my critters alone with it!

  5. I'm here to wish you happy holidays, the first in your new place!! Thank you for always linking up to Super Sunday Sync. :)

  6. It is true, you can't argue with the beautiful simplicity of battery-powered pleasure.

  7. I hope you get laid soon. Im sure you will get back in the swing of things soon and before you know it you will have too much sex!! lol Good luck

  8. Thankfully my luck has turned around since I wrote this post, and I have had the best sex of my life!

  9. Thanks Rosey! Happy holidays to you too!

  10. Denyse @ Glitter, Glue & PaintMarch 28, 2014 at 7:14 PM

    You can come down here where I live and everyone wants laid after the first date. It's crazy! I think I'm walking around in a town that is on testosterone overload. Thanks for sharing at Throwback Thursday!


  11. Then when you are good and ready, you'll have plenty of options! ;)

  12. 1. I started getting desperate just a few months after my divorce, so your resolve is WAY stronger than mine. 2. I like your writing style. 3. Sometimes the fates are against you--it's not anything you're doing wrong, the universe just really doesn't want you to bone that week.

    It's okay. It gets better. You'll have sex again, and it'll probably be better than ever.