Tuesday, January 21, 2014

7 Steps to Getting Dumped While Still Looking Like a Grownup

In the past year, I’ve been the one to walk away from the guys I’ve met. Truth be told, I always felt like, really, you need me to tell you that we’re not a good match? But, okay, I will tell you thanks but no thanks.

So, to maintain balance in the dating universe, it was high time that my ass got dumped.

A Few Great Dates Go Nowhere

John and I had a great non-date that was followed by three great real dates over the course of the following week. He called or texted me everyday last week. He made references to things he wanted to do with me when the weather got warm. We made out and smooched a ton. It was all going swimmingly! I was starting to crush on this guy. Yay, dating is fun!

Friday night, we went out to dinner (I paid this time) and then we hung out at my apartment. We made out (at my insistence, we kept it very high school), and then he kept me company while I baked chocolate chip cookies. We talked about a ton of stuff very openly... maybe too openly…

It was almost midnight. Earlier, we’d kicked around having him sleep over, and then he didn’t. You guys, even though I’ve been out of the dating scene a long time, I know how this shit works. This wasn’t a good sign. But what the heck happened? Didn’t we just have a nice night?

I didn’t hear from John at all on Saturday, which was inconsistent with his behavior the previous week. We had plans for Sunday. Dammit. I knew what was coming, though I had no idea why. My ass was going to get dumped. But I decided I wanted to have some say in my dumping.

7 Steps to Getting Dumped While Still Looking Like a Grownup

1.      See the signs. If he usually texts you back within minutes and it’s now taking an hour (and with no apology), that’s a sign. If you usually don’t part ways without discussing the next time you’ll see each other and tonight he scurried out the door, that’s a sign. If your stomach is dropping but not in a fun way, that’s a sign.

2. Admit what the signs mean. Start to emotionally prepare yourself for what’s probably going to happen. I think being prepared helped take the sting out of the inevitable for me.

3. Don’t wait around for him to dump you. If I were going to get dumped, I wanted to get dumped when I was ready for it. I called John on Sunday (after he was being slow to responding to my texts) and said, “I am sensing that something about the way you feel about me has changed. Can we talk about that?”

4. Calmly respond to his reason (if given)... The gist of it was this: John said that he realized that the fact I’m allergic to dogs is a deal breaker (by the way, that information was in my OKCupid profile, so why did he ask me out?!) and that he was concerned that he was “too square” for me. (Ironic word choice, given that "square" is how I describe my ex-husband.) I responded that I thought it was a shame to stop seeing each other this soon when we were having fun getting to know each other, etc. No begging, just responding with my perspective.

5. …then stop talking. We started talking in circles. That’s annoying and no one comes out looking or sounding good. So break the cycle and stop talking.

6. Conclude the conversation in a grownup way. I said if he was sure that he didn’t want to continue seeing each other then I respect his decision. He responded that he wasn’t sure, but he knew that wasn’t fair to me. I said, “Listen, like I told you the other night, I never want to be with a guy who needs to be convinced that he wants to be with me. So, hold on to my number, and if you come around, give me a call and if I’m still single we can see what happens. And otherwise I wish you well and I hope you find the right person for you.”
Classy (in a "I'm still kinda hoping you come to your senses" kind of way), right?

7. Be an idiot. Once you have ended the call with your head held high, you don’t have to act like a grownup anymore. Cry. Whine to your friends. Go to a bar and smooch that cute guy who's way too old/young for you. Put on your flannel pajamas and eat a pile of nachos while watching reruns of "Full House." Do whatever you have to do. (Just don't contact the person who just dumped you. That's not the kind of idiocy to strive for in this situation.)

(Or just booty call a reliable option.)
After the call, I moped a little and text-whined to my friends. I pondered the ridiculousness that he was too square for me – I mean, come on, I work in Corporate America, shop at Banana Republic, read for book club – I’m plenty square myself! But not the night of my dumping. Obviously, I texted Jason for some Incredible Sex. He came over, we smoked up, and then got frisky. Ah, it was good to be an idiot the night of my dumping. The next day, I shook it off. I ran six miles and fired off some messages on OKCupid and Match.

But in all seriousness, here’s the most important thing. You rarely know the real reason why someone dumps you, nor do you always share the details of why you don’t want to see someone anymore. All that matters is that it doesn’t matter.

As my brother recently said to me, I should be with someone who wants to be with me, plain and simple. No considering it, no having to think about it. 

Even though my marriage ended in divorce, I can tell you that Max never didn’t want me. Since our first date, he thought he’d hit the jackpot. I can find that again.

In the meantime, I’ll have to let some guys go, and some guys will let me go. I’m holding out for the guy who wants to be with me because I’m me, allergies and all.

What is your advice for the one getting dumped?

Epic Mommy Adventures


  1. I love number seven. Your brother is incredibly right - you should be with someone who wants to be with you, plain and simple. I never want to have to convince someone I'm right for them or to have them try to convince me that they're "good for me" or "what I want/need" (there have been guys on OKC & POF that have tried that angle with zero success). It's refreshing to be with someone that wants me exactly as I am and wants to be with me because of who I am.

    My advice is to not worry about getting answers because sometimes there aren't answers. Sometimes you just know or feel that it's not right or not going to work. It's better to cut the relationship there instead of trying to make something work out that isn't fitting right. It's a waste of energy.

  2. Manal The Go Go GirlJanuary 22, 2014 at 3:09 PM

    I'm definitely going to forward these steps to my single friends. One of them was just telling me about couple of experiences from dating website. Kind of the same excuses/reasons you outlined. Love your attitude about handling John. I think you have the upper hand. Go get'em! I'll be following you to check out your dating progress :)

  3. I agree, who cares about getting an answer from someone who wasn't into you? There is someone who WILL be into you.

  4. Thanks so much! I'm learning as I go. :)

  5. I absolutely love this post, Kat. I have done these very things with each breakup that I went through after my divorce, and I went through quite a bit of them - sometimes I did the dumping, but sometimes the guy did the dumping too. Great tips on how to handle being dumped!

    Thanks so much for sharing on Turn It Up Tuesday! We always love having you! :)

  6. Hi Kat! Great article. Actually, I loved it. Ha,ha! Insightful and funny. I wish you all the best! I'm following you on Twitter and Bloglovin'.

  7. Well, I think I'm all caught up now! I caught up on all your posts and have to say, I'm pretty impressed! Vic made me dizzy and I wasn't even in the same room with him. It's too bad about John but your brother is 100% correct. I think it's great the way you're handling things and I love the posts!

  8. Thanks Vashti! Happy to have you following along on my wacky journey.

  9. Vic made me dizzy too, and not just because of the booze!
    My goal is to keep dating fun. When it's not fun, it means it's time for me for take a break.

  10. You make me feel like every single girl in the world goes through the exact same thing. Ug. This is sad, yet true. The TMI thing always gets me thinking too... Is being elusive the way to go? With every one of them? Or does that just prolong the enevitable...

  11. You totally completely fabulously hit the nail on the head! You describe the feeling of 'about to get dumped' perfectly. I try to be civil and to not close the door - like you describe - because they may come to their senses a little way down the track, and if you liked them, why not see them again? No sense in cutting your nose off to spite your face.

    As you say, the right man will come. Given time.