tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18832630115483939462024-03-19T07:23:32.433-04:00My Tales of Life and Love After DivorceI started my blog on February 18, 2013, the night before my marriage of three years ended in divorce.
Share my life since my divorce, including my silly dating experiences, my supportive family and friends, and the occasional booty call.Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-19474480287223362302016-04-26T19:52:00.001-04:002016-04-29T10:19:17.003-04:00Divorced Kat Swipes Right and Finds Love Again<i>My one-year anniversary with Rick is tomorrow, which inspired me to write a long-overdue blog entry about my love life.</i><br />
<br />
<b>In 2014, I was at peace with my divorce and <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/my-return-to-online-dating-too-dull-too.html" target="_blank">ready to find a relationship</a>. Who knows, maybe I would even find love!</b><br />
<br />
After my divorce, I really had no clue about what I wanted from a relationship (other than sex, meaning I wanted some). I dated a mix of men, ranging in <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/does-age-matter-in-dating-i-experiment.html" target="_blank">age</a> and education and profession. With each man, I gained new insight into what I did and did not want from a relationship. But alas, nothing lasted more than a couple of weeks.<br />
<br />
<b>2015 started off promising with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/im-not-afraid-to-dump-guy-i-really-like.html" target="_blank">Ryan</a>, but he did not want a relationship -- with anyone, period.</b> Blue and single again, I wasted a few weeks seeing <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/03/time-to-stop-gambling-my-precious-time.html" target="_blank">Mike</a>, a charming but spoiled d-bag who ultimately just wanted to get laid.<br />
<br />
(<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/07/the-great-debate-should-i-have-casual.html" target="_blank">I believe there's nothing wrong with just getting laid</a>, but I was not looking for just that anymore. I wanted heart.)<br />
<br />
A few weeks after ghosting Mike, I was definitely bored and a tad discouraged with dating. However, I still had Tinder on my phone because it's free and a good way to pass the time when standing in line at Target. Out of millions of profiles featuring stupid bathroom selfies and poses with tigers, I swiped right on <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/06/the-art-of-dating-someone-who-is-not-my.html" target="_blank">Rick</a>. He looked cute and normal and he did not have a urinal in his photos.<br />
<br />
He later messaged me, "Hello Kat!"<br />
<br />
I thought, meh, OK, why not? We chatted through Tinder for a bit, then he asked me to continue the conversation over a drink.<br />
<br />
I thought, meh, why not? I agreed to meet him on Monday night for a glass of wine.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>I have written before about how you rarely know when <br />
you're in a moment that will change your life. </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>This was one of those moments: <br />
I had no idea that I was about to meet the man I would fall in love with.</b></div><br />
<iframe width="480" height="385" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/2YbO-yztOxA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
From the moment we met on April 27, 2015, we were intrigued by one another. I was immediately drawn to his openness, warmth, and honesty. Despite our respective histories of dating flops, booty calls, and heartaches, we both felt something different this time. I think we both believed that the potential for something real was worth risking getting hurt.<br />
<br />
<h3>I am grateful everyday for our bravery to go after love.</h3><br />
It has been a year (my second longest relationship, behind only the one with Max) and we never run out of stuff to talk about. We are open about absolutely everything, from our past indiscretions to our future aspirations. Rick values my opinion and truly cares about what I have to say. He is still making me laugh and blush just as much as he did a year ago. He makes me feel incredibly sexy and beautiful. And holy shit you guys, I am having the best sex of my life! (Yes, better than <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/10/the-i-love-you-fail-incredible-sex-and.html" target="_blank">The Incredible Sex</a>!) From my heart to my mind to my body, Rick handles me as if I came with an instruction book. So cool.<br />
<br />
But sometimes he makes me mad. Unlike in my past relationships, I permit myself to argue with him. Once it's over I am amazed at how good it feels to let myself express those feelings and have him hear me out. (<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/12/being-easygoing-wife-helped-destroy-my.html" target="_blank">I always used to keep those feelings bottled up nice and tight!</a>) We learn what we can from the argument and move on. No grudges, which is kind of miraculous because I'm awesome at holding grudges.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>When Rick holds me, <br />
I close my eyes and caress his skin, <br />
smell his scent, <br />
feel his breath.</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>I'm content.</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>I think, this is it. This is love. <br />
<i>This</i> is what everyone wishes for.</b></div><br />
(Did I love my ex-husband? Yes, of course I did, and he loved me as best as he could. But frankly what I felt with Max was never like what I feel now.)<br />
<br />
<b>And, while Rick and I have been falling more in love everyday, I have been falling for someone else too: his daughter.</b><br />
<br />
For many years, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/im-not-mom-do-i-cry-or-cheer-12-reasons.html" target="_blank">I have not been sure about motherhood</a>. I knew I loved kids, but did not know if I was cut out for such a high-stakes responsibility, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/loving-supportive-parents-make-me-not.html" target="_blank">especially if I were to go it alone</a>.<br />
<br />
Lucky for me, Rick's 10-year-old daughter and I have gotten along incredibly well right from the beginning. I love the role I am playing in her life. Coupling my own opinions and experiences as well as research (<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Career-Girls-Guide-Becoming-Stepmom-ebook/dp/B000QUCO1M" target="_blank">The Career Girl's Guide to Being a Stepmom</a>; <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Love-Him-His-Kids-Stepmothers/dp/159869894X" target="_blank">Love Him, Love His Kids</a></i>), I am working with Rick to shape my role as his child's potential stepmom. I am so excited (but rather terrified too) about this unexpected move into (step)motherhood.<br />
<br />
Like her father, Rick's daughter tells me she loves me and wants to know when the heck I'm going to marry her dad. (All in good time! I tell her.) I don't know how I got so lucky to be compatible with both the man and his daughter.<br />
<br />
<b>The best thing about my adoration for Rick and his daughter is the authenticity.</b> I promised to <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/02/for-what-its-worth-i-think-we-couldve.html" target="_blank">stay true to myself in my next relationship</a>, and I believe that all three of us are being ourselves. Amazing how being true to myself has led to the most awesome love I could've hoped for -- but never expected!<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">So what is next for us?</h3><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
<i>I hope </i>we get married. (<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/09/is-getting-remarried-my-dream-or.html" target="_blank">Can you believe I'm saying this?!</a>)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>I hope </i>to officially become a stepmom.</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>I hope</i> that we create a home that is disciplined but forgiving, honest but considerate, orderly but flexible.</div><br />
...but I must insist on patience.<br />
<br />
I do still have those lingering divorcee fears ("I was wrong once, what if I'm wrong again?). I recognize that it'll be a huge change for all of us to officially live together. And especially since there is a child involved, we need to extra careful that marriage is right for all of us. But I am confident in myself and my love with Rick that we will thoughtfully find the best path for the three of us.<br />
<br />
<b>As I reflect on one year with Rick, I am so very blessed to have the love that Rick and I have. It only took 35 years, one divorce, dozens of lame dates, and one life-changing swipe right to find it.</b>Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-71332846121262941132015-06-14T12:50:00.001-04:002015-06-17T10:31:40.138-04:00A Horse Wins a Race, A Guy Wins My Heart<div class="MsoNormal">
I am 35 years old and I have only been someone’s girlfriend
twice in my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first time was in 1998. I was a senior in high school
and dating Dave, an absolute sweetheart. I lost my virginity to him the summer
before we went away to college. We stayed together until Spring Break of
freshman year when the distance between our universities just made things too hard.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second time was in 2005. I remember the moment when we
addressed it. Max and I were driving to a professional basketball game after
dating for a couple of months. Because I loathe uncertainty, I had to ask, “If
someone asked me if I had a boyfriend, I should say ‘yes,’ right?” I chose to
ask this while driving over the George Washington Bridge, just to ensure all of
my anxiety levels were as high as possible. He looked at me like I had just
asked him his name. “I sure hope you would say ‘yes!’” he answered. And that
was that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/89/86/2e/89862e47e8995228446a63e07d1431f4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/89/86/2e/89862e47e8995228446a63e07d1431f4.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If I ever want these, please smack me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
(Three years later, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/06/the-story-of-how-he-proposed.html" target="_blank">he asked me to marry him</a>, and four years after
that I would ask him to divorce me.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>A decade since that moment in the car with my ex-husband
(and three years since <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/06/dad-and-day-my-marriage-died.html" target="_blank">my marriage died</a>), <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/06/the-art-of-dating-someone-who-is-not-my.html" target="_blank">Rick</a> expressed that he wanted me to be his girlfriend.</b> Whoah.<br />
<br />
Unlike with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/10/the-i-love-you-fail-incredible-sex-and.html" target="_blank">Jason</a>, when I wanted no part of being his girlfriend or any else’s,
I actually like Rick too. We have been spending as much time together as we can
since we met in the end of April and it’s been great.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When Rick brought up the G-word, I got skittish because that’s
what I do. Yes, I’ve been hoping to find a relationship again for awhile now,
but I’m one of those people who is perpetually single.<br />
<br />
<b>I really like being
single. I’m good at it. I know what to expect. I know how to take care of me. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I also know how wonderful it can be to be in a healthy,
balanced relationship. Sure, it’s been long time since I had one of those, but
I do remember the early days with Dave and with Max – the cuddling, the
handholding, the first birthday spent together, the first road trip. And of
course, the joy of sex with someone you really care about.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I told Rick I wasn’t quite ready for the labels yet, but I
was getting there. </b><br />
<br />
I wasn’t seeing anyone else and I found myself thinking
about him an awful lot. I felt excited about the possibility of… something…
with him. Fortunately, Rick has been wonderfully patient with me every step of
the way. He told me that he understood and that he wasn’t going anywhere.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Things changed a couple of days later at <a href="http://www.belmontstakes.com/#&panel1-1" target="_blank">Belmont Stakes</a>, the
famous horse races. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
American Pharaoh Wins
the Triple Crown, Rick Wins My Heart</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rick had invited me to join him for the big event. He and
his friends are into the racing and betting. Me, on the other hand, well I was
tagging along for an excuse to day drink. Oh, and to meet his friends, of
course!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I knew absolutely nothing about Belmont or horseracing,
which made the day even more exciting for me. We rode two different trains to
get out to Belmont Park on Long Island, just outside New York City. When we
arrived, I was just in awe.<br />
<br />
The facility was huge but still charming, with all
kinds of seating both indoors and out. (We were in the Backyard, AKA the cheap
seats.) Something about the park felt like a throwback, as if I were in a
Disney movie like <i>Mary Poppins</i>. The people watching was incredible! The outfits
were <a href="https://www.vineyardvines.com/Home?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=vineyard%20vines&utm_content=Core%20Brand%20-%20General&utm_campaign=Brand%20-%20Core%20-%20Exact&src=google_Brand%20-%20Core%20-%20Exact&cvosrc=sem.google.vineyard%20vines%2Fbrand_-_core_-_exact" target="_blank">Vineyard Vines</a> meets Kentucky Derby. To put it in perspective, there were men
wearing seersucker suits and women wearing <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=kate+middleton+hat&espv=2&biw=1494&bih=877&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAmoVChMIoOGT8NGPxgIVgQmSCh2ahg_n" target="_blank">those huge hats like Kate Middleton wears</a>. The crowd consisted of everything from the super
wealthy to the hard up gambling addicts. The energy was palpable as we got
closer to American Pharaoh’s shot at winning the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple_Crown_of_Thoroughbred_Racing" target="_blank">Triple Crown</a>. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Given that Rick actually understood what was going on, you
would think it would be sort of annoying to be at such a big race with someone
as clueless as me. But nope! He proudly introduced me to his two best friends
from growing up. As we wandered the grounds, he explained the races and the
betting (which was totally intimidating and confusing, hence my gambling all of
about $25) so that I might appreciate the madness. And the entire time, Rick
held my hand.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2I-krbfoo-w4ZkfPWN5KSfK0czHrvTctYk-xqy1v_3NdEeXK3jHE76tSfxDV6gzHiibpfehZLtmqIxkQyfq_7kEQd-D9x7o29N6-qJAlFhGsZB6rDk7jCdAvB1jUbwTxAD2Ls5ZjJj_IC/s1600/belmont.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2I-krbfoo-w4ZkfPWN5KSfK0czHrvTctYk-xqy1v_3NdEeXK3jHE76tSfxDV6gzHiibpfehZLtmqIxkQyfq_7kEQd-D9x7o29N6-qJAlFhGsZB6rDk7jCdAvB1jUbwTxAD2Ls5ZjJj_IC/s400/belmont.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I had never seen or done anything like the Belmont Stakes,
and I was experiencing it with a kind, loving man who thinks the world of me.
How lucky was I?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a hell of a day! Even I understood that American
Pharaoh’s win was a big deal. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Confession:
I didn’t get out of my chair to watch that race because I was busy eating a
soft pretzel with mustard. I didn’t want all that perfectly good rock salt
falling on the ground. My love affair with carbs wins again.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Much later that night, tired from alcohol and snacks and
sun, Rick and I strolled from Penn Station to Grand Central. Hand in hand, I
found us talking about my terribly conflicted feelings about <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/loving-supportive-parents-make-me-not.html" target="_blank">motherhood</a>. I won’t
share the details of that very personal conversation, but I knew in that moment
that things had changed for me. <b>Rick wasn’t just another guy I was dating. This
man actually meant something to me. </b><br />
<br />
It was a big day for a horse, and a big day for this divorcee. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next morning, while we laid in bed chatting about
nothing in particular with our arms wrapped around each other, Rick paused.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>“You <i>are</i> my
girlfriend, right?” he asked.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>There was only one thing for me to say.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>“Yes.”</b><o:p></o:p><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>When was the last time that you realized you were in a new relationship?</b></div>
</div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-82187167232748108982015-06-03T22:33:00.002-04:002015-06-14T11:15:22.196-04:00The Art Of Dating Someone Who Is Not "My Type"<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, this is an interesting twist of events.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like a guy. Like for real. Like we hold hands and have sleepovers and we have made each other dinner. He calls me “baby” and it doesn’t make me throw up in my mouth. And guess who is not freaking out? THIS GIRL!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I actually like this guy – and he digs me, too! – I have been really hesitant to write about him here. In my blog world, someone ends up a punchline (e.g., <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/7-steps-to-getting-dumped-while-still.html" target="_blank">the guy who dumped me because I’m allergic to dogs</a>, the guy I dumped because <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/10/my-first-post-divorce-breakup-part-1-he.html" target="_blank">he baked me brownies</a> and then <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/10/my-first-post-divorce-breakup-part-2-he.html" target="_blank">he gave me flowers</a>). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it’s exciting to finally feel this way, some 18 months after I decided <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/my-return-to-online-dating-too-dull-too.html" target="_blank">I was ready to look for a relationship</a>, so, I have to dish to you, dear readers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://makeloveeasy.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/girl-rejecting-man.jpg?w=290&h=290&crop=1" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://makeloveeasy.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/girl-rejecting-man.jpg?w=290&h=290&crop=1" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're not my type! Go away!<br />
Wait, come back! I changed my mind.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you might remember, I had put dating on the backburner, but I kept Tinder and Hinge on my phone because why not? Swiping left and right can be amusing while you’re waiting for your burrito or whatever. So, one night in late April, I ended up chatting with Rick on Tinder. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rick does not meet <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/04/the-requirements-for-dating-me-note-you.html" target="_blank">all four of the criteria for dating me</a>:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li><b>Age </b>– My criteria has been maybe a year or two younger or up to 10 years older. He’s 37, so that’s perfect. (And, how weird is this… we have the same birthday!)</li>
<li><b>College educated</b> – Sort of. He didn’t finish undergrad. But, since he’s an electrician, he has a ton of related education and certifications. </li>
<li><b>Salary </b>– Hard to say, but he definitely has more expenses than I do, which leads me to . . .</li>
<li><b>No roommates </b>– Well, she’s not a roommate. She’s his nine-year-old daughter. Yup, he's a single dad.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, he wasn’t my usual type, but given that I’ve been single for as long as I have, perhaps my type is worth reevaluating. Rick asked me to continue our conversation over a drink. I said yes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I walked into the bar to meet Mr. Tinder, the usual online dating thoughts ran through my head: <b>“Please be cute. Please be smart. Please be normal.” </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My dating prayers were answered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Relief #1</b> – he looked just like his photos (and he’s actually tall, for real!). Good, because obviously I thought that he looked cute!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Relief #2</b> – it was just… easy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We had a nice mix of small talk and real talk. But the best thing for me was my immediate sense of his warmth. He felt kind and open in a way that you don’t often encounter, especially from a man on a first date.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the end of our date, he walked me to my car and asked to see me again before I left for <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/05/the-very-worst-kinds-of-goodbyes.html" target="_blank">my trip to Germany</a>. I agreed. Again, he was not my usual type, but this was fun and so relaxed. He hugged me goodbye, and I got in my car with a big stupid smile on my face. What a gentleman! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Three days later we met for dinner. Three hours later, he walked me to my car and kissed me in the street. It was a great kiss – that make-me-melt combination of sweet and sexy. I knew I might be getting myself in trouble, and in a good way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rick was <i>definitely</i> making me rethink the rules I have been trying to stick to for two years.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8e/WhenSheSaysBaby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8e/WhenSheSaysBaby.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Outdoor country concert = best date ever.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Since I returned from my vacation, we have spent as much time together as our schedules (particularly his) allow. Each time that we have hung out, whether it’s date (dinner! bowling! Jason Aldean concert!) or just hanging out at home, we get closer and closer. It’s really cool. I have to admit that despite how very different our lives are (I'm at happy hour while he is coaching his daughter's lacrosse team), we have many similarities in how we view life. We have been able to talk about past relationships (we are both divorced) and our hopes for the future.<br />
<br />
Rick is much better at articulating how he feels about me; I’m still guarded. <b>But oh how refreshing to be with a man who is secure enough with himself, his masculinity, and his feelings to be so open! </b>(Ahem, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/in-dating-world-which-is-more-dangerous.html" target="_blank">Ryan</a>, take note!) And those other more closed off men <i>were</i> the guys who were "my type" -- at least superficially.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are both crushing hard. It’s really scary… I have a million questions [fears], particularly because I have never dated someone with a child before. But <b>I'm doing my best to be very present and just go with the flow.</b> <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Next step -- meeting each other's friends. Keep your fingers crossed for me!</div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
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<i>By the way, since I’m finally dating someone where I see relationship potential, of course, this means that yesterday <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/getting-drunk-and-awesome-because.html" target="_blank">Zach</a> contacted me out of the blue to ask me if I wanted to fuck (he never wastes words). Then tonight <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/10/the-i-love-you-fail-incredible-sex-and.html" target="_blank">Jason, the Incredible Sex</a> – who I have not seen in nine months! – texted me to see if I wanted to have a “platonic drink.” I told them both that I’m seeing someone, so no. Much as <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/02/how-to-have-fun-safe-booty-call-if-you.html" target="_blank">I love me a good booty call</a>, I would never risk a potential boyfriend for a frivolous fuck or allegedly platonic drink.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you dated someone who wasn't your usual type? How did it go?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-36513230856850083492015-05-17T21:54:00.003-04:002015-05-20T14:22:14.229-04:00The Very Worst Kinds of Goodbyes<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Non sequitur: <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/04/want-to-know-why-you-have-to-log-in.html" target="_blank">Here's why I'm asking you to log in with Facebook</a>.</i><br />
<br />
As I sat in the Munich airport after Melanie dropped me off,
I thought about how much saying goodbye sucks.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hA-7CK1-Z5E/VVFeyKJb9gI/AAAAAAAAJVc/yHfNo2gm08A/s1600/IMG_2569.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hA-7CK1-Z5E/VVFeyKJb9gI/AAAAAAAAJVc/yHfNo2gm08A/s320/IMG_2569.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Melanie and I went to Verona, Italy, for two nights. <br />
We just thought <span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">this staircase was cool, <br />so I thought you'd like to see it.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/05/do-you-miss-me-ill-be-back-soon.html" target="_blank">I had just spent a week with Melanie</a> (my first college
roommate and quite possibly a soulmate) and her family. We hadn’t seen each
other in three years. We understood each other just like
we always have, even though since our last visit I got divorced and she and
her husband welcomed their second son (my absolutely delicious <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/03/im-going-to-be-fabulous-godmother.html" target="_blank">godson</a>, who’s six months old).<br />
<br />
During my visit, we strolled through city and country roads, blabbing nonstop about everything and nothing. Our lives are pretty different now, but that doesn’t matter
when the love is there.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As tears rolled down my face and gate change announcements
in German blared over the loud speaker, my heart ached terribly. (And why the hell don't I ever have tissues?) It had only been an hour and I already missed my friend something fierce.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>What is worse
than saying goodbye to someone when you have no idea when you might see them
again?</b><br />
<b><br /></b></div>
<h4>
I started thinking about some of my saddest farewells, all
of which I now associate with moments of huge emotional growth:</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ol>
<li><b>The last day of
summer camp as a camper.</b> There is something just magical about the friendships
I formed at sleepaway camp, as if each day were a year of hugs and inside jokes
and arguing. It didn’t matter what kind of towns were from or what sort of
grades we got in school. At camp, those superficial barriers were all but gone so we could connect based on who we were on the inside. Oh, how I used to sob on the bus ride back home after
camp!</li>
<li><b>The last day of summer camp as a counselor.</b> In 2002, I was a
volunteer counselor at <a href="https://www.seriousfunnetwork.org/about-us" target="_blank">a camp for kids with HIV</a>. There was one 13-year-old in
particular with whom I really bonded (probably too much, in hindsight). I knew
she had a really screwed up home life in addition to having HIV. She and I both
cried our faces off on that last day of the session. To this day I still think of her and
pray that she is healthy and that she stayed out of trouble. Sadly, I have no
idea what happened to her.</li>
<li><b>Leaving my exchange family in St. Petersburg, Russia.</b> In
high school, I participated in an exchange program with a family, and I really
connected with the student, Yulia, who was my age. We were fortunate enough to
see each other several times between 1996 and 2002, but I have not seen her
in 13 years. I still remember Yulia’s blue eyes turning a stinging red with tears as
we clung to each other, promising that this wasn’t good bye, it was “see you
later.” (She did recently find me on Facebook! Praise the World Wide Web.)</li>
<li><b>The day when Max and I sold our condo.</b> After <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/08/5-secrets-to-living-with-my-ex-husband.html" target="_blank">living in separate bedrooms</a> for almost a year, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/09/closing-on-condo-opening-new-chapter.html" target="_blank">our condo finally sold in September of 2013</a>. After
we signed the paperwork, we went to lunch a beerhouse that we used to frequent
in our early days of dating. When it was time to go our truly separate ways
with two separate sets of house keys, I cried in the parking lot. [Are you sensing a theme with all of this crying?] For the first
time in eight years, I had no idea when I might see Max again. This wasn’t necessarily
bad, but certainly unsettling.</li>
</ol>
<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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As my plane flew west over Europe, I dabbed my eyes on my cocktail napkin.<br />
<br />
I realized that there is something
worse than saying goodbye when you don’t know when you’ll see them again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Those other goodbyes were so difficult because I wasn’t just
anxious wondering <i>when</i> I would see these people again – it was <i>if</i> I would see them again. </b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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With certain people in your life, you know that it’s never a questions of <i>if</i>; it’s always a matter of <i>when.</i> Melanie is one of those people.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
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<b>What are some of the hardest goodbyes that you have had to
say?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-75849743710254954982015-05-03T17:02:00.000-04:002015-05-03T17:08:41.865-04:00Do You Miss Me? I'll Be Back Soon!I am writing from one of my bestest friend's guest room in her home outside Munich, Germany!<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s8IJpKPuFKQ/T-JoO3biZWI/AAAAAAAACRw/_67ohMnx_J4/s1600/IMG_1213.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s8IJpKPuFKQ/T-JoO3biZWI/AAAAAAAACRw/_67ohMnx_J4/s1600/IMG_1213.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My love affair with carbs goes international.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Leading up to this trip, I had a busy week with two dates with the same guy (!), figuring out where the heck I left my passport, and last ditch effort workouts before departing for my long awaited reunion with Melanie, one of my college roommates. And, I got to meet her six-month-old son -- <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/03/im-going-to-be-fabulous-godmother.html" target="_blank">my godson</a>!<br />
<br />
The last time I saw her in person was three years ago, right after my ex-husband told me he was not attracted to me and before I accepted the inevitability of divorce. Amazing how different my life is now.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I miss you, dear readers, and I will post as soon as I return from my trip! <i>Tschüss</i>!Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-45775076236236373342015-04-19T22:14:00.000-04:002015-05-20T10:22:29.232-04:00Want to Know Why You Have to Log In With Facebook?<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear reader,</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>If you’re a returning reader of my blog, I love you!, and allow me to explain the new Facebook login.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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As you might remember, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/07/what-should-blogger-do-when-her.html" target="_blank">I have had some issues in the past with people from my real life – and I’m not talking selected friends and family– reading my blog.</a> While this is certainly flattering, it also makes me very self-conscious. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The reason why I love blogging is because I don’t hold back. I have shared everything from <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/02/what-will-you-always-remember-about.html" target="_blank">my raw post-divorce pain</a> to <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/06/i-got-laid-now-what.html" target="_blank">my first sex</a> (finally!) to <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/7-steps-to-getting-dumped-while-still.html" target="_blank">getting dumped</a> (more than once!). For me to write freely about my life and the lessons I’m trying so hard to learn, I can’t be worrying about what others think. I need to write for <i>me</i>, and it’s a huge bonus if you read what I write and even more awesome if you connect to my words. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.postplanner.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/spy-on-competition-on-Facebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.postplanner.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/spy-on-competition-on-Facebook.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is an icky way to feel when writing about<br />
really personal crap.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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The past few months, I have gotten word again that people who know me – but I don’t necessarily know them – are reading my blog. <b>It's a mind fuck</b>; this feels like a cross between being someone walking in on you masturbating and getting caught crying when you thought no one could hear you.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><br />
</b></div>
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<b>These are not people I would talk to about heartbreak or orgasms in real life, so I am not comfortable with those people reading my blog. </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Lucky for me, I have a genius programmer friend who would be an amazing criminal if he weren’t an upstanding guy. He has been super supportive of my writing and this blog. When I told him how upset I was about the situation and that I was considering pulling the plug on my blog, he wouldn’t have it. Instead, he came up with this great solution: require a Facebook login simply so I can know who’s stopping by my blog. If there are visitors that I’m not comfortable with, I can talk to them directly. He built it, and here we are! (I told you I have <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/8-ways-to-be-kickass-friend-to-divorcee.html" target="_blank">awesome friends</a>.)</div>
<br />
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So, this is why you are now being asked to log in with your Facebook account. </div>
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<br /></div>
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To be clear:<br />
<ul>
<li><b>I will never friend you</b></li>
<li><b>I will never post anything on your wall</b></li>
<li><b>I will never invite you to play Candy Crush with me </b>(is that what people are playing?)</li>
</ul>
</div>
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I know it’s annoying to log in, but know how much I appreciate your readership and comments, so I hope you will stay with me despite this extra login step.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Have any questions or concerns about logging in? Leave them in the comments and either I or my genius friend will respond.</b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kat </div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-32120470546816355052015-04-12T22:34:00.000-04:002016-04-26T19:52:44.220-04:00From Happy Hour to a Lap Dance: How I Earned My Hangover<div class="MsoNormal">
It started off innocently enough. On Friday after work , <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/04/the-requirements-for-dating-me-note-you.html" target="_blank">Yoshi</a>, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/12/being-easygoing-wife-helped-destroy-my.html" target="_blank">Connor</a>, and I were going to happy hour at our neighborhood bar. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Now, Yoshi, I only want like one glass of wine. Two at the most. Not our usual happy hour turns into staying out until 11.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But do you think I’d be writing about a typical happy hour? Of course not.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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One glass of wine turned into three. Oh, and there was some tequila. (The tequila wiped out poor Yoshi early.) By this point, my empty stomach and boozy head was up for anything.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Connor gave me a sly look.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>“Want to go to a strip club?” </b><br />
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</div>
<br />
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<b></b></div>
<o:p></o:p></div>
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I had never gone to a strip club, but I have always thought it could be fun under the right circumstances. My conservative, sexually mute ex-husband would never, <i>ever</i> have would have participated in something so sexually overt, so I never bothered to ask.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Going to a strip club on a random night with my friend and two of his buddies – were these the right circumstances for my strip club experience? Conditions were not totally ideal. I was in my work clothes; let's just say I wouldn't have picked a cardigan for the occasion. Also, I have been told it’s best to go see strippers with someone you’d want to get it on with later, but there was zero chance of that with the guys I was going with. No matter. You know how I answered Connor.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>“Sure, let’s go!”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We grabbed some sandwiches then off we went. There I was, 35-years-old sitting the middle seat of a cab with three guys in their 20s. Going to a strip club. Because WHY THE HELL NOT.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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As we walked in to the club I was excited but kind of nervous. I had absolutely no idea what to expect. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Would it be skeevy? </b></div>
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<b>Was it weird that I was going <i>and</i> without a boyfriend/special friend? </b></div>
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<b>Was I going to feel ugly/fat/<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/09/why-are-people-calling-me-sexy.html" target="_blank">unsexy</a>?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The answers turned out to be: no, no, and no! The place was remarkably not gross. It was pretty clean and the clientele mostly looked like normal guys. There were a handful of women, and they looked pretty normal too.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We took our seats next to the stage/walkway thing, right by the pole. (Wow, so stripper poles are a real thing?!) Connor handed me a gigantic pile of ones. I guess I had a confused expression on my face, because he felt the need to state the obvious. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Kat, you tip with that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh, right. That. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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With a couple of dollar bills in hand, I started watching nearly naked women strut, crawl, and pole dance. (I kept thinking of that Wyclef song, Perfect Gentleman.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/uDwraXBUHgs" width="459"></iframe><br />
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<br /></div>
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I turned to Connor, my eyes huge. “Holy shit! Look at her ass! Her legs! How can she do that in those shoes? I did NOT expect the women to be so hot!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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He grinned. Silly, naïve Kat!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I stared at the strippers. I stared at the patrons. I was utterly un-subtle about the entire experience, but I couldn’t stop! There was so much to take in.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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At some point, I was told it was time to go to the VIP room. (Good thing I trust Connor, because I was so buzzed with booze and amazing people watching that all I could do was follow his lead.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Next thing I knew, I was getting a lap dance from a beautiful Eastern European woman. </b><br />
<br />
There’s no doubt that I’m straight, but damn. She was insanely hot and it was a full contact lap dance. (But dammit, I was going to be going home alone!) I was too shy to get really into it but I have to say, I really enjoyed the experience! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>After my lap dance, I took a moment to just look around this so-called VIP room. </b><br />
<br />
I have never seen anything like it. The room was electric with erotic energy. Gorgeous women were on top of men of all shapes and sizes, grinding, dancing, giving bedroom eyes. I was just fascinated. My sexual experiences have been at least somewhat private, and here were all these people getting themselves warmed up for who knows what. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s been almost three years since <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/04/im-never-having-sex-again.html" target="_blank">my ex-husband told me he was not attracted to me</a> and I realized I had to get out of my sexless relationship. <b>I guess I still have moments of shock that the world is indeed full of men who are comfortable with their sexuality and are not afraid to express their desires.</b> <o:p></o:p></div>
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And thank goodness, because that is HOT!<o:p></o:p></div>
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At closing time, we hopped in a cab and headed back downtown for the food trucks. As we stood in line for gravy fries, I marveled at my totally unexpected evening. We started at my old reliable watering hole, then ended up getting a lap dance, and now we were back where we started getting snacks.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Walking arm-in-arm, Connor and I walked/stumbled back to our respective homes. I collapsed into bed. It had been a hell of a night.</div>
<br />
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The next day, when I was lying in bed hideously hungover, I kind of didn’t mind. I had earned this hangover! My hangover was the price you pay for a night of a new experience – one I never would have had if I were still with my ex.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>What is a wild post-breakup experience you had?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-52382097159940515762015-03-29T21:59:00.000-04:002015-04-02T08:22:43.321-04:00I'm Going to be a Fabulous Godmother<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAJBHVnurcbO4emeSmXYydI6soijC-5U56O2wyUzXuSoNErcM339Y3-B9Fbmwd0hO2FTIor8iTKazDbgv6nfwDUN5FFxOE1LLs2W8wbcoYh9sE1KLuoVJNm5_if9sxS1jZdGvhtp6gztNE/s1600/frank.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAJBHVnurcbO4emeSmXYydI6soijC-5U56O2wyUzXuSoNErcM339Y3-B9Fbmwd0hO2FTIor8iTKazDbgv6nfwDUN5FFxOE1LLs2W8wbcoYh9sE1KLuoVJNm5_if9sxS1jZdGvhtp6gztNE/s1600/frank.jpg" height="271" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's my big sister and me chilling with my beloved godfather.<br />
(Notice the beer and cigarettes behind me!)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>In 1980, my Catholic parents asked their friend of a couple
of years, Frank, to be my godfather.</b> They could have asked one of my uncles, my
Pop-Pop, or another friend, but no, they choose Frank. For the next 23 years, he truly never got over the thrill of having been asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Frank was an unlikely candidate for my parents’ friendship
or my spiritual guide. He was a trucker who swore and cussed. He drank too much wine/margaritas/Tia Maria and lived in ratty t-shirts. He referred to his ex-wife only as The Bitch. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite that rough around the edges exterior, Frank had the
biggest heart. Contrary to his politically incorrect humor, Frank viewed the
world through his big blue eyes as being full of friends he had yet to meet. He
loved and he loved big. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he was my godfather. Mine! Of course he loved my parents
and my siblings, but they could only call him “friend.” I got to call him “friend”
AND “godfather.” That made me special.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Maybe in part because he didn’t have kids of his own, Frank
always made me feel incredibly important, like no kid in the history of the
universe was as awesome as I was.</b> He would clap his hands together in delight
and tell me how cool I was. He was endlessly amazed by my fabulousness. Can you
imagine how that felt – for him and for me?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have so many wonderful memories with Frank, like riding in
his boat on the Atlantic Ocean, eating French toast at his house after my
family had slept over, and smoking a cigarette with him and my dad (my dad! smoking!)
on my 21st birthday. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But more than any of these moments, I will always remember Frank’s
catchphrase with me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Frank would ask me, “Who loves you?!”</b> I would get super embarrassed
and roll my eyes. So he’d say it again, amused by my embarrassment. “Who loves
you?!” I would give in and say, “You do.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I got older, I wasn’t embarrassed to say I loved him. Instead, I would
kind of shout my response! I wanted the world to know what Frank meant to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He would grin from ear to ear and laugh and say, “Ha! You’re
cool.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The day Frank died, I lost my number one fan. It's been 11 years and I still miss
him terribly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Given my relationship with my beloved godfather, I
have always wanted to be a godmother. </b>However, since realizing that I'm not down with Jesus and therefore am no longer religious, I figured I had no shot at being a
godmother. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn-media-2.lifehack.org/wp-content/files/2014/06/fairy-godmother.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn-media-2.lifehack.org/wp-content/files/2014/06/fairy-godmother.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'll try to be as cool as this lady.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, I am honored to share that in the past five months, <b>I
have been asked twice to be a [non-Catholic] godmother!</b><br />
<br />
The day her son was
born – and what would have been my fifth <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/11/being-divorced-on-my-wedding.html" target="_blank">wedding anniversary</a> – my dear friend Melanie asked me over FaceTime from her hospital room in Germany
if I would be her son’s godmother. (I will meet him in May!) And then, last
week, I stood with my two-year-old niece during her <a href="http://www.uua.org/beliefs/what-we-do/celebrations/births" target="_blank">child dedication ceremony</a> and promised to love and support her through her spiritual journey.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is a great honor of being asked to play a dedicated role
in a person’s spirituality (Catholic or otherwise). Now, I am understanding more and
more why Frank was so thrilled at having been asked to be my godfather.
Especially since <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/im-not-mom-do-i-cry-or-cheer-12-reasons.html" target="_blank">I don’t have children of my own</a>, I am grateful for my roles as godmother and aunt.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now it’s my turn to embarrass my godson, goddaughter, and
nieces and nephews when I ask them, “Who loves you?!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you been asked to play a special role in someone else's family? How did it make you feel?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-74331031503295818842015-03-24T22:12:00.000-04:002015-03-31T08:41:30.285-04:00Time to Stop Wasting My Precious Time on an Unworthy Guy<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Do not squander time for that is the stuff life is made of.<br />
-Ben Franklin</b></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I loathe wasting time.</b> Life can be wickedly and deliciously unpredictable, and I want to use every minute I have. There are many things I want to do and people I want to see, which require scheduling; ever since I can remember, when I see an empty space in my calendar, I am inclined to fill it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I consider myself fortunate to have a job that doesn’t require me to be on call, a couple of extra dollars in the bank that I can choose to waste on my entertainment, an assortment of <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/8-ways-to-be-kickass-friend-to-divorcee.html" target="_blank">awesome friends</a> to hang out with, and a healthy body that can exercise (I really appreciate this since <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/11/7-reasons-why-im-grateful-for-my-broke.html" target="_blank">my knee injury</a>). So, <b>I can and often do pack seven days a week with fun/fulfilling/intoxicating activities.</b> <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
This is how I do my life and it works for my type-A self.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With this understanding of my values and personality, I have been struggling a bit the past few weeks. I have been seeing this guy, Mike, and thanks to him, <b>I have realized that being with new people, particularly when dating, means gambling my most precious commodity</b>. Sure, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/what-happened-when-i-got-brave-about.html" target="_blank">sometimes it pays off</a>, but what if the guy sucks? That time spent with him could have been spent doing something that could have been guaranteed enjoyable time, and therefore my time can feel wasted. I HATE THAT.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
(Yes, with an attitude like this one, I probably shouldn't be dating anyone right now. But anyway...)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/b2/6e/ef/b26eef4424ca739706d0ed103db2dab0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/b2/6e/ef/b26eef4424ca739706d0ed103db2dab0.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
Gambling My Time with a New Guy</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Admittedly, from the start I described Mike as arrogant and spoiled, but also seeming to have a very sweet and generous side. So, why not give him a few tries?<br />
<br />
A couple of dates later I was bored of hearing him talk about how super he was. I decided he was a good kisser but kind of a dick so I wanted out. I told him <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/how-to-dump-someone-you-arent-dating.html" target="_blank">thanks but no thanks</a>. Well, his response was so sweet that I completely second guessed myself and said nevermind, let's keep hanging out! This was extremely unlike me -- I'm usually quite decisive, almost to a fault.<br />
<br />
What made me start accepting that Mike was not worthy of my time was when being with Mike meant losing time with people I care about.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few days ago, I was hanging out with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/10/divorced-woman-breaks-her-kneecap-who.html" target="_blank">Pete</a> and his best friend Kyle. These two guys have the most genuine bromance you have ever seen, so I love hanging out with them. (As a sidenote, I have a killer crush on Kyle, but of course he lives seven hours away. But I digress.) We spent a Sunday drinking bloody marys, eating french fries, and telling stupid stories about each other and just laughing a ton.<br />
<br />
But, because I'm a compulsive calendar filler, I had plans to see Mike that evening. After Pete teased the hell out of me for double booking my Sunday, I had to tear myself away from him and Kyle. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I drove to Mike’s, all I could think was how much I was enjoying my minutes with Pete and Kyle, and now I was trading those minutes to be with a guy I was lukewarm about.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was right. My time with Mike was fine, but whatever. My time with Pete and Kyle was great. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I gambled and I lost.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I saw Mike last night. I could have come home after my volunteering commitment and written a long overdue blog entry. I could have read for book club. I could have thrown in a load of laundry, caught up on <i>People</i> magazine, or gone to bed early. I could have done a bazillion other things that would have made me feel happy and/or productive. Instead, I spent a few hours with a guy who wasn’t that good of a match for me. I am now certain he isn’t going to be <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/05/my-boyfriend-is-not-insecure-sleazy.html" target="_blank">my boyfriend</a>. And he was totally trying to pressure me in to having sex. What is this, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beverly_Hills,_90210" target="_blank">West Beverly Hills High School</a>?!<br />
<br />
Why the hell did I bother? In my gut, I've known all along this wasn't a person I should choose to share my time with.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Again, I gambled and lost.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m done seeing Mike. He’s not worth the gamble.<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="center">
<a href="http://epicmommyadventures.com/" target="_blank" title="Epic Mommy Adventures"><img alt="Epic Mommy Adventures" src="http://epicmommyadventures.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/200pxturnitupbuttonfeature1_zps09bd5c75.png" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-8410655356355498322015-03-08T19:25:00.001-04:002015-03-26T09:37:05.738-04:00When Your Ex-Husband Tells You His Girlfriend is Pregnant<div class="MsoNormal">
My ex-husband, Max, has brown eyes and long, black eyelashes. (I always said those eyelashes were wasted on a man.) Through our eight years together, I saw his eyes light up with joy. I saw them darken with secrecy. I saw them dull with shock and denial.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This time, I was seeing something I had not seen before. Could it be fear?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Max stood in front of me, shifting his weight, fidgeting his hands. He stood seven inches taller than me, but felt smaller. What was going on? We have been divorced for two years. What on earth was there for him to say to me that could reduce him to this?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>“Kat,” his voice quivering ever so slightly, “I have to tell you something.”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><br />
</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>“OK…” I replied. “Go ahead. You can tell me anything.”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><br />
</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>“Well, we are engaged…”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Engaged?! I didn’t even know he was dating someone. In fact, I had assumed he hadn’t even kissed anyone since me. We got divorced because of his lack of desire for sex, so it didn’t occur to me that he would even want to date. He was so resistant to working on himself <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/from-engagement-to-divorce-tale-of-3.html" target="_blank">when we were in therapy</a>. But I guessed this was good, right? Maybe this means he was coping with his problems and moving on? I can be brave and make myself happy for my ex-husband.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there was more.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>“…because she’s pregnant.”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh god. No. No. No!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything started flashing. I couldn’t breathe. My stomach filled with ice.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://elitedaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/sky-ferreira-ckone-homotography-5-548x309.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://elitedaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/sky-ferreira-ckone-homotography-5-548x309.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a>We were supposed to have children together. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/im-not-mom-do-i-cry-or-cheer-12-reasons.html" target="_blank">We were going to be amazing parents.</a> When he took away sex, he took away <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/03/do-you-have-five-year-plan-i-dont.html" target="_blank">our shared vision</a> of <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/loving-supportive-parents-make-me-not.html" target="_blank">parenthood</a>. How the fuck could he already be in a romantic relationship complete with physical intimacy? Seven out of our eight years together I was desperate for intimacy. Five out of our eight years together we were in therapy. I wanted him to want me, and for seven years, he rejected me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I’m 35, single, and unsure if motherhood is something that even makes sense for me anymore. All because my husband would not (could not?) make love to his wife. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now some other woman is pregnant with the child that was supposed to be mine?! It was more than I could bear. Like a pipe filling with ice, I was on the verge of bursting, a flood of fury and sadness and longing and jealousy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dropped my head in my hands as vertigo set in. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>“This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t real!” I shrieked. <br />I couldn’t tell if the words were firing in my brain or if they were escaping my mouth.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, I woke up.<br />
<br />
My heart was pounding and tears hovered in my tear ducts. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/i-want-my-ex-husband-when-im-not-fully.html" target="_blank">I was all alone in my bed</a>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was right. It wasn't real.<br />
<br />
<b>How do you feel about your ex moving on? Are you happy for him or her?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-90532630128325594252015-03-01T22:49:00.003-05:002015-03-06T12:01:39.429-05:00Do You Have A Five Year Plan? I Don't.<div class="MsoNormal">
On their first date, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/getting-drunk-and-awesome-because.html" target="_blank">my friend Tina’s</a> now boyfriend asked
her a big question:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Much to her credit, she told him the truth, that she plans
to be a mother, regardless of whether she is married.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I knew I might scare him off,” Tina told me, “but I figured
it would come out eventually anyway. If that was going to scare him, may as
well scare him now!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Very good point.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://24.media.tumblr.com/eb0ef4fa43d335366c49b7f9ed7d2fad/tumblr_mfin3wetsY1r5l6x9o1_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/eb0ef4fa43d335366c49b7f9ed7d2fad/tumblr_mfin3wetsY1r5l6x9o1_400.jpg" height="320" width="241" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Anyway, this has had me thinking about My Five Year Plan.</b> (More specifically, that said plan does
not exist.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not being married certainly changed
my perspective on the future. When I was with Max, it wasn’t <i>My</i> Five Year Plan,
it was <i>Our</i> Five Year Plan. I thought that would include <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/loving-supportive-parents-make-me-not.html" target="_blank">parenthood</a> and getting
dragged into a house (I’m so an apartment kind of person) and... ummm... I don't know. We'd do married stuff, like grow old together and talk about the good old days when we rented movies from Blockbuster and no one had a phone on the dinner table.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So much for Our Five Year Plan.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But now, I’m 35, unmarried, and living a pretty comfortable existence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a stable job that I like. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/07/kat-is-homeowner.html" target="_blank">I own an apartment that I love</a>. I love the town I live in; it’s the kind of place that allows for families and singles to coexist. I have solid, fulfilling relationships with my friends and family. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/what-happened-when-i-got-brave-about.html" target="_blank">I’m Putting Myself Out There.</a> (I actually met two cool guys last week!)<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Given the overall healthy place I’m in now, what should I be
hoping and working for by the time I’m 40 in 2020? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/09/is-getting-remarried-my-dream-or.html" target="_blank">Do I want marriage? </a><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/im-not-mom-do-i-cry-or-cheer-12-reasons.html" target="_blank">Do I want kids? </a><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Do I want to relocate? <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Do I want to change careers? </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sitting here right now, <b>my resounding answer is… eh, not
really! </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Honestly, I’m happy with how my life is today, therefore I
think I would be happy if my life doesn’t change much. (Though, I would love to find love again.)<br />
<br />
Based on the information I have right now, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>my Five Year
Plan is for 2020 <br />to not look at that different from 2015.</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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But, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I living a blessed, charmed life? Or am I not pushing myself hard enough? </div>
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<b><br /></b>
<b>Do you have a Five Year Plan? What does your plan look like?</b></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-48736062009369940812015-02-17T22:58:00.002-05:002015-02-18T11:37:49.017-05:00How To Have a Fun, Safe Booty Call... If You Can Handle It<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY5-_w26pnGGVA-9XVt44rEgc1c-g-Wq_v3sQaQdAJsDFcASWPY2ekl6n5vTcNXIp5D0uNJ2v9lTajp8HwSOn_1tEbQmNLrm9YBlgogKxHF0yZ_CC7uHg1F6H37oCu58wCxRvzrzz4Y1-9/s1600/booty-call.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY5-_w26pnGGVA-9XVt44rEgc1c-g-Wq_v3sQaQdAJsDFcASWPY2ekl6n5vTcNXIp5D0uNJ2v9lTajp8HwSOn_1tEbQmNLrm9YBlgogKxHF0yZ_CC7uHg1F6H37oCu58wCxRvzrzz4Y1-9/s1600/booty-call.jpg" height="200" width="172" /></a>My real life friends and today a <a href="https://twitter.com/1stYrDivorce" target="_blank">Twitter </a>follower ask me:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>How does one do a booty call?</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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I admit to having a fair amount of experience in this area since my sexless marriage ended two years ago. <b>No two booty call arrangements are the same, but they can be super fun, sexually exciting, and even a boost to your self-confidence – if you know the secrets.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Now, before I disclose my secrets to fun, satisfying booty calling, there are a two things we must establish:</div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><b>My booty call companions are not Friends With Benefits</b> because I have no idea how those arrangements work. If I’m friends with you, you don’t get to see me naked. If you are my booty call, you are not my friend. (And I think I could end up with hurt feelings in a Friends With Benefits situation.)</li>
<li>This is very important: <b>a person is not a suitable booty call companion if you might ever, even a little bit, hope for anything resembling a relationship with this person.</b> You are not dating and, in all likelihood, you never will date your booty call. Be honest with yourself and make sure this is completely acceptable. <i>(Now that you read that, please reread it. Seriously.)</i></li>
</ul>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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OK? OK. Let’s move on!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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My booty call companions have come from various places. Two I met at bars (like <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/getting-drunk-and-awesome-because.html" target="_blank">Zach</a>). Two were <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/12/dyeing-my-hair-pink-and-reviving.html" target="_blank">guys I used to date</a> until they bored me but they were good in the sack. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/08/why-did-i-have-sex.html" target="_blank">One I thought I might want to date then I changed my mind</a> (and I was absolutely certain of this when I changed my mind). So you can find a booty call in a number of different ways; you just have to make it known that you’re receptive – but be subtle about it. You might be surprised at who else is game for this arrangement.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Now, here are my secrets to successful booty calling.</h3>
<h3>
<br />
</h3>
<h3>
Single</h3>
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<b>First and foremost, you and your booty call must both be single.</b> Cheating is not nice. </div>
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<br /></div>
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If you’re not sure if your potential companion is single, ask directly. If he says yes, that’s the end of the discussion because it’s game on!</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Sexting</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.quickmeme.com/img/cb/cb9547483046218cb86f99bac0be949198a4e4c19be7299f61ba787953f22e29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.quickmeme.com/img/cb/cb9547483046218cb86f99bac0be949198a4e4c19be7299f61ba787953f22e29.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a><b>Sexting is a fantastic way to build up some anticipation to your hookup.</b></div>
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<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I had never participated in sexting until two years ago. (Yes, life after divorce has been interesting indeed.) Learning how to flirt and get a little dirty over text is really fun! I like that I learned about this with a guy where I had absolutely nothing to lose.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Sexting tip:</b> if you are going to cross over from sexy words to sexy pictures, <b>never include your face in the photo</b>. As a woman, I have occasionally sent a picture of something like the side of my neck and my bare shoulder. It leaves something to the imagination and you can't see my face. (As a bonus, I can take a picture like that from my couch without changing out of my sweatpants.) Gentlemen, we don't like dick pics. Thanks!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Sober</h3>
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Admittedly, I haven't always been totally sober when I have made or accepted a booty call. But there's buzzed, and then there's the kind of drunk where it's unsafe and/or going to lead to regrets. <b>A dash of liquid courage might be OK, but not much more than that.</b> Got it? Good!</div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Safe</h3>
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You must completely go with your instincts on this one. <b>If anything about being alone with the person does not feel safe, do not proceed. Don’t question yourself, don’t apologize, just stop it.</b></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So let’s say you are feeling frisky and comfortable with the person. If there's even a chance of having sex, BYO condoms. Since my divorce, I have been utterly appalled by how many attractive single men don’t have condoms! Didn't any of these guys take Sex Ed? </div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Sex</h3>
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If you do have sex, again, be safe. <b>A booty call companion has no loyalty to you and vice versa.</b> This person could be sleeping with other people (hell, maybe you are, too). So, condoms FTW.<br />
<br />
<b>But, you don’t have to have sex for a booty call to be fun.</b> I have been hooking up off and on with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/03/my-weekend-in-time-machine.html" target="_blank">Sean</a> for two years, and <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/04/im-never-having-sex-again.html" target="_blank">we have never had sex</a>. He was great for my self confidence (he was the first man to <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/09/why-are-people-calling-me-sexy.html" target="_blank">call me sexy</a>) and for practicing my other moves. I learned a lot about my sexual preferences and talents without ever actually having intercourse.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Sleep</h3>
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<b>No sleepovers. Period.</b> Sleepovers lead to cuddling, and cuddling is for relationships. Cuddling can also get the <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/oxytocin" target="_blank">oxytocin</a> flowing, which can confuse you about the arrangement with the person who just got you off (hopefully).This person will never be your significant other, so once the fun is over, kick him out or get your ass home.<br />
<br />
(This was extra important when <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/11/sexwithmyex.html" target="_blank">a guy I used to date became my booty call</a>.)</div>
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<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMS1hMzMyZTNmMzlkMjJmNWE4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMS1hMzMyZTNmMzlkMjJmNWE4.png" height="224" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do not confuse yourself or your booty call companion!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Silence </h3>
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A booty call arrangement is always temporary and can end anytime. <i>You need to be completely fine with this.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s the thing with booty calling – there is no real predictability. Sometimes you’re arranging to meet up often, and other times you might go months without communicating. Then, you might contact him and he doesn’t reply that night or ever again, or you might pull the same thing with him. Yes, this is acceptable behavior. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Embrace the silence as freeing you from having to bullshit a friendship or feigning interest in dating when you really just want to get some nookie.</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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(By the way, you do not get in touch to see how the person is doing or chat about the weather or invite him out for your birthday. That's what friends do, and I'm not talking about Friends With Benefits. Communicate with one purpose: building up to or arranging your next rendezvous.) </div>
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<b>If these tips make you think:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>“Wow, I would never want to get it on with someone I don’t really know or have feelings for.”</li>
<li>“This is terrifying. What if I got murdered/kidnapped/contracted a raging STD?!”</li>
<li>“Kat is weird/secretly a dude/a little slutty.”</li>
</ul>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Then booty calling (and maybe my blog) is not for you. That’s OK, I’m not offended. Like a booty call, it was fun while it lasted!</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>On the other hand, if these tips make you think:</b></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>“Wow, this sounds hot and exciting, and all I can emotionally handle.”</li>
<li>“I haven’t gotten laid in weeks/months/years and I’m going to wear out my vibrator if I don’t do something about it.”</li>
<li>“The person I went on a few dates with last month but we had nothing in common with might be perfect for this.”</li>
</ul>
Then booty calling might just be the answer to your sexual needs when you're between relationships. Now go grab yourself a box of condoms and have fun!<br />
<br />
<br />
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<b>What is your opinion on booty calling? A good idea or not worth the risk? Any fun booty call stories to share?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-19907181275923129512015-02-11T18:12:00.001-05:002015-02-13T08:08:16.001-05:00Cards, Candy, and Booze: Why I Love Being Single on Valentine's Day<div class="MsoNormal">
You don't need a valentine to enjoy Valentine’s Day.<br />
<br />
I realized this in high school, and many crushes and flings, two boyfriends, and one (ex) husband later, it’s still true:</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
Valentine’s Day is best spent single.</h3>
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<br /></div>
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<b>When I’m single on Valentine’s Day (which has been the majority of my life), I focus on the good stuff about the contrived holiday:</b></div>
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<ol><a href="https://www.jigsawexplorer.com/puzzles/subjects/valentine-candy-349x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://www.jigsawexplorer.com/puzzles/subjects/valentine-candy-349x300.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://www.jigsawexplorer.com/puzzles/subjects/valentine-candy-349x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a>
<li><b>CANDY.</b> I’m big on eating healthy but I have a huge weakness for seasonal candy. Red, white, and pink M&Ms. Heart-shaped Yorks. Conversation hearts. Red Hots. Crappy Russell Stover chocolates. Bring it on! Enjoy for two weeks, and then it’s over for the next 50.</li>
<li><b>CARDS.</b> I absolutely love paper mail, and Valentine’s Day cards are among my favorites to select. They are about expressing gratitude and love for all kinds of relationships, from lovers to grandparents. I can spend hours picking my Valentine’s Day cards. Ever since college, I exchange cards (usually ones with Winnie the Pooh) with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/loving-supportive-parents-make-me-not.html" target="_blank">my parents</a> and my BFF Ali. My other BFF Sue doesn’t send me a card but she gets one from me anyway because I'm nice like that. <br />
Beyond these annual card recipients, I sometimes feel the need to remind other loved ones that I'm thinking of them. One year <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/09/guest-post-saying-i-do-while-my-friend.html" target="_blank">Nora</a> was feeling blue and unlucky in love, so I found her the perfect card that told her how much her friendship means to me. This year is Pete’s first divorced Valentine’s Day, so <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/10/divorced-woman-breaks-her-kneecap-who.html" target="_blank">Pete</a> got a card. <br />
It truly warms my heart to give my loved ones written expression of my affection for them.</li>
<li><b>BOOZE.</b> I discovered in college that Valentine’s Day is a great excuse to go drinking with your fellow single pals. And, you know, I like drinking and I like friends, so let's raise a glass!</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>When I was with Max (my only significant other as a grownup), other than having an excuse to buy him a romantic card and eat candy, Valentine’s Day was lame:</b></div>
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</div>
<ol>
<li><b>PRESSURE.</b> This dopey holiday that had no particular significance to us put this pressure on us (well, mainly him) to be romantic. Max was a decent husband, but all in all, not the romantic type (with some exceptions, like <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/06/the-story-of-how-he-proposed.html" target="_blank">how he proposed</a>). And even though my expectations were low, I admit that I was usually disappointed by his lack of effort.</li>
<li><b>RIPOFF.</b> I’m very practical person who’s <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/12/my-6-tips-to-financially-prepare-for.html" target="_blank">careful with money</a>. Yes, I love flowers, but flowers on Valentine’s Day are way pricey, not to mention cliché. And yet, several times Max came home with a dozen roses. Red. Obviously. The real downer was that he didn't even seem excited about it -- this bouquet was just something he had to buy. So not only was he unoriginal and unexcited, but he just blew a wad of cash on a flower I don’t even love and that would be it until the next overpriced bouquet a year later. <br />(Yikes, do I sound like a super brat??)</li>
<li><b>SEX.</b> <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/04/im-never-having-sex-again.html" target="_blank">Meaning, I didn’t get any.</a> Not getting laid on Valentine’s Day (or, you know, any day) isn’t such a biggie when you’re single. When you’re in a relationship, there’s pressure to perform. If you’ve ever read my blog before, you know I was not <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPoKiGQzbSQ&list=RDFPoKiGQzbSQ" target="_blank">getting my freak on</a>, not on February 14th (or 13th or 15th).</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/39/da/67/39da67c64291412db53a9a85249492ae.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/39/da/67/39da67c64291412db53a9a85249492ae.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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This Valentine’s Day, I’m happy to say my four cards are in the recipients’ hands. I have already eaten my conversation hearts and pink M&Ms. I have plans to hit up half price wine night with friends on Friday AND go out for drinks on Saturday because I don’t mess around!</div>
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As the second <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/02/one-year-later-why-i-love-my-divorce.html" target="_blank">anniversary of my divorce</a> draws near, in all my single glory, I will revel in the love and friendship in my life.<br />
<br />
(And perhaps <a href="http://www.geekandjock.com/is-masturbation-healthy-taking-matters-into-my-own-hands-with-joy" target="_blank">I'll spend a little time with my battery-operated Valentine</a>!)</div>
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<b>What do you think about Valentine's Day? Are you marking it this year?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-10739999251420145572015-02-04T09:01:00.000-05:002015-02-05T14:23:47.512-05:00“For what it’s worth, I think we could’ve been a cool couple.”<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>“For what it’s worth, I think we <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LzGss9QGAk" target="_blank">could’ve been</a> a fucking
cool couple.” <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://themuslinette.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/9734.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://themuslinette.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/9734.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm going to go tease my hair and <br />
sing into a fan until I feel better.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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And then we hung up.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But I know you want to hear more about The Talk, so let’s start
there.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last week, Ryan came over (finally) to discuss what had been
going on with us. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/im-not-afraid-to-dump-guy-i-really-like.html" target="_blank">He had been pulling away</a>, and I assumed – correctly – that
the idea of <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/in-dating-world-which-is-more-dangerous.html" target="_blank">a relationship for a man who says he’s never really had one</a> was too
scary/unappealing/boring/suffocating/fill in your own negative adjective.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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We sat on my couch, the site of our first kiss, and we had a
remarkably respectful and mature conversation. </div>
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<br /></div>
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The exchange took an hour and looked
something like this:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Him:</b> I am
fine with how things are.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Me: </b>I know we are still getting to know each other, but I
like the idea of being open to the <i>possibility</i> of things progressing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Him</b><b>:</b> I know you’re looking for a relationship. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Me: </b>I’m look for a relationship with the right person. I’m
interested in the idea of one with you, not because you have a pulse,
but because you’re <i>you </i>and I like what I know so far.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Him</b><b>:</b> I don’t think I’m going to get there. I don’t want to
string you along and have it be two, three months down the road and nothing has
progressed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Me: </b>Well if that is how you’re going to come at things, then
that is exactly what will happen. I’m not in any rush for anything
relationship-wise, but things cannot be stagnant either. I know you haven’t had
much relationship experience. Other than being married, neither do I, oddly
enough. So let me ask you: Have you been enjoying our time together, hanging
out, talking, having sex, the whole thing?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Him</b><b>:</b> Yes, definitely. And when I go out, I’m not looking to
meet anyone else.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Me:</b> So, why not try doing things differently from how you’ve
done them in the past? Why not trying on for size the possibility of seeing
where things go with me? I have a life, so do you, and dating isn’t a threat to
that. It could be fun!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Silence.</i><o:p></o:p><br />
<i>(Crap.)</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After an hour of me making excellent points (if I do say
so myself) and him essentially saying he doesn’t want a relationship, we agreed
to take some time to think. Later, I texted him, thanking him for coming over
and being honest. He responded that he would not play games with me, and I said
that I knew he wouldn’t, and neither would I.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I asked myself: could I just leave things as they are? Like I said, I’m not
in any rush to find me a baby daddy or anything. But, over the weekend, I
thought about <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/what-happened-when-i-got-brave-about.html" target="_blank">my other relationships</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love people. When you are my family member, my friend,
whoever, I want to just care about you.<b> I don’t know how to express my
affection for others under any sort of limitation, and that is exactly what I
would be agreeing to with Ryan. </b>I cannot do that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ryan and I didn’t communicate much over the weekend, and then on
Sunday he suggested that we “touch base” on Monday. Dammit. That tiny
unrealistic romantic in me, the part that is secretly sad when <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20547490,00.html" target="_blank">couples from <i>The Bachelorette</i> break up</a>, was hoping that maybe by some miracle Ryan would come to his senses
and realize how idiotic it is to walk away from a person you connect with on so
many levels. But you wouldn’t make a romantic confession like that when you “touch
base.”<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, on Monday, true to his word, we "touched base." We talked for four minutes
while I cooked fajitas. I asked him if we had come to the same conclusion. He
said yes, and reiterated that he didn’t want it to be two, three months down
the road and I would feel like he wasted me time or led me on. (Interesting
fixation he has on this specific time period.) I said I didn't know how to restrict the way I'm going to care about a person.<br />
<br />
Then, I said this was disappointing,
but I accepted it. <b>“But, Ryan, for what it’s worth, I think we could’ve been a fucking
cool couple.”</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
(Yes, I used to the F-word. Seemed to drive my point home.)<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then we said we would see each other around town. Bye.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I put my phone down on my kitchen counter and sighed.<br />
<br />
I have known all along that this was a
very likely possibility. He’s 44 and never had a relationship; by his own
admission, he’s never had his heart broken. Clearly, this is a man who, for
whatever reason, will not allow himself get emotionally intimate with a woman. For the past two weeks, I could see the writing on the wall, so this was hardly shocking. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But as I stirred my fajitas, I got that telltale lump in my
throat. What the hell is this? A few tears slid down my cheeks.<br />
<br />
What? I’m crying over
a guy? Well. Isn't this interesting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Of all the guys I have gone out with, through the various ups and downs
and men disappearing, this was the first time I cried over a guy. Ryan was the first guy
that I was actually floored at times by how much we had in common. Then I had
wondered if he’d be too tame in the bedroom, and I was wrong – we were super
compatible there too! I mean, this was finally a guy where I could really, truly see
something happening. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8TYJkKw3xiu3cf72DctyWLLZ4R9Hq0gkY3ejj6FAmuC6GgtfMCW2rh9EX1JVSi8ZwpzXcvs5zUcGsCSlADOpXxGFYwb0kqtbF1wx9A8NYihkFY6pNVcMPvKQEjelYZCKD8U391ABRrKJ0/s1600/carrie-big_l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8TYJkKw3xiu3cf72DctyWLLZ4R9Hq0gkY3ejj6FAmuC6GgtfMCW2rh9EX1JVSi8ZwpzXcvs5zUcGsCSlADOpXxGFYwb0kqtbF1wx9A8NYihkFY6pNVcMPvKQEjelYZCKD8U391ABRrKJ0/s1600/carrie-big_l.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Keeping it real with emotionally unavailable men in their 40s.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>But nothing was going to happen. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not because he didn’t like me – I could accept that better because I’m fully aware that <a href="http://starttravelinglight.com/everyone/" target="_blank">I’m not for everyone</a> and that’s OK.<br />
<br />
Nothing was
going to happen because he simply will not allow his heart to open that far.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How very sad.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I called Jen. With my mouth full of fajita and my tear
ducts filled to the brim, I babbled for a few minutes, and like the good friend
she is, she listened and assured me that I did nothing wrong, my time with Ryan
was fun while it lasted, and it would be OK.<br />
<br />
I wiped my tears away. Then I fired off a bunch of texts to tell the masses, and they all responded with the love and support I knew they would provide. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I’m still feeling a little blue and I miss him already. <b>But
I’m OK because I’m proud that I stuck to my motto of keeping an open heart and
an open mind while also keeping my eyes open.</b> <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/7-steps-to-getting-dumped-while-still.html" target="_blank">I saw the signs</a> that he would
probably pull away, and I didn’t pretend that they weren’t there. I didn’t
downplay my readiness for a relationship just to appease him. I really enjoyed
my time with Ryan, and when I’m ready to date again, the right person will be
out there.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
And in the meantime, I'll play some 1980s ballads and sing at the top of my lungs in my car. Total Eclipse of the Heart, anyone?<br />
<br />
<b>What was your last breakup like? How do you feel about the way you conducted yourself?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-46953510836227586832015-01-27T21:35:00.000-05:002015-01-28T13:22:13.889-05:00I'm Not Afraid to Walk Away From A Guy I Really Like<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.thequotepedia.com/images/05/dear-past-thanks-for-all-the-lessons-dear-future-im-ready.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.thequotepedia.com/images/05/dear-past-thanks-for-all-the-lessons-dear-future-im-ready.jpg" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am ready for a relationship, and I don’t apologize for it. Hell, I'm proud of it! It’s taken a lot of post-divorce healing/therapy/yoga plus a healthy dose of
pointless – but fun! – <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/08/avoiding-zombies-sleepovers-and-guys-in.html" target="_blank">dating</a>. I know I’m ready and emotionally healthy enough to open
my heart to a man… but he must earn and be worthy of something so precious.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I really like <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/in-dating-world-which-is-more-dangerous.html" target="_blank">Ryan</a>, the guy I've been seeing since December. I see so much potential for a relationship with him, more so than with anyone else I have dated since I got divorced two years ago. <b>But for all the ways that Ryan and I are compatible in our personalities,
lifestyles, and even sexual styles, none of it matters in the slightest if we don’t
both want a relationship right now --</b> not eventually, not next month, <i>right now</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last week, after <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/how-do-you-cross-gap-from-dating-to.html" target="_blank">days of my doubting and questioning</a> (and a long
overdue trip to <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/from-engagement-to-divorce-tale-of-3.html" target="_blank">my therapist</a>), I decided that maybe I’d been a crazy female. I needed to chill the fuck out and just enjoy.<br />
<br />
So, when Ryan and I spent last Friday night together, it was lovely. We got
takeout, snuggled, watched a movie, had hot sex, and slept together. He held my
hand, he called me babe. The next morning, we got breakfast together (bagels!!!). I was
loving it. All felt boyfriend-y. It felt nice and real.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, I asked if he wanted to come to my friend’s birthday
drinks that evening, and he said he had already made plans. That is fine of
course, and actually very attractive that he has a life. But, it dawned on me
that in all the weeks that we have been hanging out, he has never once
suggested I meet his friends or coworkers. Not that I need to meet his best friend
yet, but even a casual, “come meet us out for happy hour” type thing.<br />
<br />
Then on
Sunday, I asked if he wanted to just hang out, super low key, in a <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/what-happened-when-i-got-brave-about.html" target="_blank">close the gap</a> between
Dating and Relationship type way. He said yes… then an hour later, he said
no, he just wanted to chill (read: alone). The big "ouch" factor was that he didn’t ask when I would be
free in the week.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/15/16/33/151633afc651b54d3897efb7b460c25c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/15/16/33/151633afc651b54d3897efb7b460c25c.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We hung up and then I realized, <b>I can do better than this. </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like Ryan a
lot, but I’m not interested in hovering in this
almost-a-relationship-but-not-quite territory indefinitely. I do think he likes both
my personality and appearance, but I have felt him slowly throw up a wall the
past few weeks. I don't know why, and I'm not particularly interested in playing armchair shrink to find out. <b>If he doesn’t want a relationship, I completely understand
and respect that </b>(<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/08/divorced-white-female-seeks-dating.html" target="_blank">I've been there!</a>)<b>, but I also respect myself enough to walk
away.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I called Ryan back. I said, “I’d like us to get together
and talk about what’s been going on between us. Are you free tomorrow?” (Totally
stole this approach from <a href="http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/defining-the-relationship/" target="_blank">this article</a>.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He agreed, and we were supposed to meet last night, which is
why I was holding off on this blog post. However, <a href="http://www.nymetroweather.com/2015/01/27/tuesday-morning-hell-happened/" target="_blank">the faux blizzard</a> hit our
area, so The Talk is postponed until <strike>tomorrow </strike>Thursday.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I recognize that in all likelihood, this will be our kiss-off,
which super sucks. But we need to talk so I can stop guessing, and we can
either move forward together or go our separate ways.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>The bitch of all relationships, whether platonic or
romantic, is that you have to want the same thing at the same time for the
relationship to work.</b> I have learned that I must be loyal to myself, first and
foremost. I don’t settle for subpar relationships with anyone, so why start
with someone who I want to date?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(And next week, I'll obviously dish on what happened during The Talk.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you had to walk away from someone you were enjoying dating but felt you wanted different things?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-988363187668083752015-01-21T23:03:00.001-05:002015-04-20T12:42:22.474-04:00What Happened When I Got Brave About Forging New Relationships<div class="MsoNormal">
Is your wedding ring off, like really off, not even trying
it on once in awhile when no one’s around? Are you past the point of bursting
into tears driving home from work? Are you <a href="http://bit.ly/16VtPYR" target="_blank">curious to see what dating will be like</a>?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://stream.goodwin.drexel.edu/womenincoaching/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/comfortzone1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://stream.goodwin.drexel.edu/womenincoaching/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/comfortzone1.jpg" height="220" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps you’re ready to Put Yourself Out There, one of those
platitudes that divorce/single people have to hear. A lot.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know it’s really scary to take the padlock off of your battered heart and bruised ego to let new people in, but let me tell you -- <b>it’s worth it</b>.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got to thinking about this because of last weekend. I hung out with lots of new people – we’re talking four girls on
Friday, six girls on Saturday, and two guys on Sunday. Only one of these people
had I hung out with more than a few times. I thoroughly enjoyed each day and each new person I met.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I walked home Sunday night, quite amused and pleased with
how my weekend had transpired, I thought of a great compliment that <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/09/guest-post-saying-i-do-while-my-friend.html" target="_blank">Nora</a>
recently gave me:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>“You have a cool life, and you did it yourself. <br />I have a
great life with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/06/attending-my-first-wedding-post-divorce.html" target="_blank">my husband</a>, but I share the credit with him. <br />But your life,
your new friends, <a href="http://bit.ly/1AAPXDU" target="_blank">your condo</a>… that’s all you.”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hadn’t thought about things that way, but she is right! <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/02/has-your-marriage-irretrievably-broken.html" target="_blank">My divorce was finalized almost two years ago.</a> The way I have set up my life is all my doing, and one of the
coolest parts has been the new people I’ve been meeting, thanks to Putting Myself Out There.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>When I think back on my years with Max, I was putting so
much effort into trying to save our fledgling relationship that I had no extra
energy for forging new relationships.</b> Hell, I am fortunate that I didn’t <i>lose </i>any
friends during this difficult time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Since I have been free of my troubled marriage, I am proud
to say that I have been Out There plenty. Sometimes it has paid off beautifully, and
other times it has ended in heartache. </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the past year, yes, I have done a lot of <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/08/avoiding-zombies-sleepovers-and-guys-in.html" target="_blank">dating</a>. (In
fact, I counted and I kissed 13 people in 2014. Yes, I’m secretly 16 years old
and I make lists like this.) I have had some wonderful highs from the early
days of dating when you see much promise, and I have had the sting of having it
collapse and you have no idea why. After years of rejection from my ex-husband,
I have FINALLY had some great sexual experiences with both guys I have liked
and guys who are just my Special Friends. I’m coming into my own in the sack –
better late than never!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/17/1e/b2/171eb2e1da55d93e49f5c3cbbea2dcf8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/17/1e/b2/171eb2e1da55d93e49f5c3cbbea2dcf8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Admittedly, parts of dating have made me want to hide under
<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/06/journey-to-center-of-bed.html" target="_blank">my bed</a> or swear off men entirely. <b>But I’m so proud of myself for experimenting
with dating,</b> even now while <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/how-do-you-cross-gap-from-dating-to.html" target="_blank">I hover in the gap with Ryan</a>. (Sadly, I think our
days are numbered, but I’m trying to be brave and not sabotage what’s still
there.) Eventually, I will find love again, but that will only happen if I stay
Out There.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it’s not just in my dating life where I have taken
emotional risks. I have made new friends since <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/09/closing-on-condo-opening-new-chapter.html" target="_blank">I moved back to Ford in 2013</a>. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/8-ways-to-be-kickass-friend-to-divorcee.html" target="_blank">I was already blessed to have wonderful friends in my life</a>, but <b>there is something to
be said for challenging my heart and mind with new company.</b> These days,
I do not shy from building new friendships with women and men. I have taken friendly acquaintances and elevated them. Or, when I meet
someone who I think will enrich my life, I seize the moment. I ask for the person’s phone number and suggest getting together. Sure,
some of those phone numbers end up eventually getting deleted from my phone,
but in plenty of cases I have formed new friendships, such as <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/09/my-dating-diet-part-2-tribute-to-3.html" target="_blank">Yoshi, Mandy, and Meredith</a>.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I think about how I want my life to look, I truly feel
like I’m on the right track. Unlike when I was married and sinking energy into
a doomed relationship, it’s empowering and exciting to expend energy on cultivating
healthy relationships. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, thank you Nora, I will take total credit for this cool life of mine, thanks to Putting
Myself Out There!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What changes have you seen in your life from Putting Yourself Out There?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-90936468983408949082015-01-12T23:54:00.000-05:002015-01-22T10:32:17.602-05:00How Do You Cross the Gap From "Dating" to "Relationship"? (Answer: I have no clue.)<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m really good at first and second dates. Hell, I’m pretty solid on the third date, upon the rare occasion that I have one. I know just enough about current events and sports headlines so I make conversation easy for both of us. I will wear a feminine outfit but I still leave something to the imagination. I smile and laugh just enough without seeming like a bimbo. I’ll totally kiss you but I won’t invite you in.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Fast forward past the awkwardness of meeting each other's best friend and farting in front of each other for the first time....</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m really good at being a long-term girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I get along with (most) people so you can bring me to family functions or your best friend’s wedding and I’ll be fine. I’ll email your mom. I’ll surprise you with your favorite cookie or a card for no reason. I’ll remind you to get a physical and I will totally understand how stressful playoff football can be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I’m really <i>not</i> good at the post-first dates but pre-relationship gap. <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.pioneerspost.com/sites/default/files/images/article/bridging%20the%20gap%20pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.pioneerspost.com/sites/default/files/images/article/bridging%20the%20gap%20pic.jpg" height="217" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On this side I can have first dates and no strings attached sex.<br />
On that side I could get my feelings hurt.<br />
Tough choice.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s this thrilling and terrible place where you’re getting genuinely excited about the person you’re seeing while also starting to get more comfortable with him. You start having sex. You might start meeting each other’s friends. Things are uncertain – this seemingly great guy could just disappear (trust me, this BS happens) or we could fall in love someday. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In other words, it’s official: you like this guy (yay!), so your feelings could get hurt (shit!).<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The gap is a scary place to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
I Got Dumped the Last Time I Was in the Gap</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my 17 months of dating since my divorce, I have only gotten into the gap one other time, almost exactly a year ago with Aaron. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We dated for a few weeks. We went out, we stayed in. We laughed a lot. We started sleeping together; <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/02/which-is-more-scary-casual-sex-or.html" target="_blank">it was a very strange experience to have sex with someone I actually liked</a>. Just as we were slipping into the gap, he started losing interest in me or he saw something shiny that he liked more or whatever. Eventually, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/it-sucks-to-be-right-when-youre-know.html" target="_blank">I had to make him dump me</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was pretty disappointed at the time, but interestingly I never cried over him. I thought there was Boyfriend Potential there, at least for a couple of months. But of course in hindsight I realize that as sweet and cute and hot in bed as Aaron was, he was just wasn’t <i>it</i>. After that letdown, I took a nice long break from dating to lick my wounds. (I’m a big believer in <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/08/my-dating-diet-30-day-plan-to-say-no-to.html" target="_blank">the post-rejection hiatus</a> from dating.)<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Ever since, it's just been casual or only a couple of dates here and there, until I met Ryan in November.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
Tumbling into the Gap with Ryan</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2015/01/in-dating-world-which-is-more-dangerous.html" target="_blank">Ryan (the 44-year-old with no relationship history)</a> and I have been seeing each other for a month but talking for about two months.<br />
<br />
In his low key but genuine way, Ryan has made it clear that he likes me, all of me, from my curly hair to my love for my book club to my ability to easily orgasm. We have mutually agreed to monogamy. But, as of the last week or so, as I am realizing that I actually like this guy, I’m getting so insecure (and being mindful to hide it).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems illogical to get insecure now. We had a fantastic date on Friday – a romantic dinner, followed by fun drinks at our favorite Irish pub, and concluded with some amazing sex and then falling asleep in each other’s arms. Ahhhh! Awesome. Yesterday, he came over for dinner. I attempted to make Boy Food, which is a little hard for my health-conscious vegetarian cooking. But I came through with macaroni and cheese with a side of roasted broccoli. Then, yeah, more sex. Woohoo!<br />
<br />
Shit, I realized on Friday night, I'm back in the gap.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The gap turns me into this neurotic, over analyzing shell of myself. The good news is that <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yg05svXp98" target="_blank">I’m able to mostly keep her hidden</a>. But damn does she make me feel nuts!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
Plotting My Escape From the Gap</h3>
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<a href="http://everydaypeoplecartoons.com/cartoons/070.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://everydaypeoplecartoons.com/cartoons/070.png" height="320" width="218" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So yeah, the gap scares me and renders me totally annoying. I don’t like it there, even though it could be just part of my journey to finding love again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, when Ryan didn’t text me (he always texts me!), my head was ready to explode as it filled with self doubt. Meanwhile, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/getting-drunk-and-awesome-because.html" target="_blank">the 23-year-old</a> texted me (“Want to fool around?” No subtleties there!). Then, one of the hottest guys to EVER show interest in me finally got around to texting me over the weekend and then asked me out today. Yes, both today, and when I hadn’t heard from Ryan.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could avoid the possibility of getting hurt entirely by accepting the fuck date or the dinner date. Or both...!<br />
<br />
I admit that I was tempted. I’m good at being a first date or a fuck buddy – both have lots of laughing and little to no emotional risk.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
But wait. <b>What the fuck am I thinking?</b><br />
<br />
<b>Is the risk of getting hurt more powerful than the possibility of finding love?</b> I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to always hope for the best, which means seeking love from platonic and romantic relationships, and, yes, risking getting hurt. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Based on what I know so far, Ryan is the best match for me of any guy I have dated since my divorce. Hell, based on what I know so far, Ryan is a better match for me than my ex-husband. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<b>I’m not going to chicken out and fuck this up for no good reason.</b> I declined both offers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I am going to tolerate my quiet hysteria in the gap with the hope that Ryan and I might cross over into Relationship territory. </b>If he is the right match for me and vice versa, we will pass through the gap together. If Ryan (or whoever) is not the right person for me, the sooner that can be revealed to me, the better for both of us, and back I go to being a great first date.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whew. Did you like the pep talk I just gave myself? And can you please say it back to me the next time I'm being an insecure idiot?!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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(By the way, while I was writing this, Ryan texted me.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Your turn, dear reader! Does my reaction to the gap sound familiar to you or completely nuts? Have you ever considered a little self-sabotage to avoid getting hurt? </b><o:p></o:p><br />
<b><br /></b></div>
<div align="center">
<a href="http://epicmommyadventures.com/" target="_blank" title="Epic Mommy Adventures"><img alt="Epic Mommy Adventures" src="http://epicmommyadventures.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/200pxturnitup1_zps05216d89.png" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-53952801071453634432015-01-11T18:00:00.000-05:002015-01-13T13:02:29.245-05:00Men's Divorce Interviews Me Even Though I'm Not A Man!I was checking out <a href="http://mensdivorce.com/" target="_blank">Men's Divorce</a>, a resource tailored to men's questions and issues surrounding divorce. Long story short, I connected with the editor, and we thought it could be interesting and useful to share my story as an ex-wife with the Men's Divorce readers.<br />
<br />
The editor focused on Max's and my efforts to keep our split amicable, from our choice to use <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/03/the-power-of-mediation.html" target="_blank">mediators</a> to figuring out how to <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/08/5-secrets-to-living-with-my-ex-husband.html" target="_blank">peacefully cohabitate</a> for months as we waited for <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/02/what-will-you-always-remember-about.html" target="_blank">our condo to sell</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>Check out the interview on <a href="http://bit.ly/1DmEVlK" target="_blank">Men's Divorce</a>!</b><br />
<br />
<br />Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-34327347529151741952015-01-04T20:31:00.000-05:002015-06-15T10:19:25.353-04:00In the Dating World, Which is Worse: "Divorced" or "Single and Never Married"?<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to fear that my <b>“Divorced”</b> label would make people – especially potential suitors – judge me. Commitment issues. Baggage. Damaged goods. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently I have been wondering about the implications of the <b>“Single and Never Married”</b> label. Commitment issues? Baggage? Unemotional psycho?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMn0YBUWH7HZ0ZBbQh1DhkyIGsLFw4ShzMwWg5em3ZOzTZy7zen0hIdxag2Gtq2SJ4d3ET4mCAOkcHsayIBRWggJNcGhaSIuaRwjvBYQw9iGlNPvUr_aRWa2xe7oKZ7vWaAAoIJlJwM_7/s1600/Love-Quotes-Yes-Im-Single-Youre-Gonna-Have-....jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMn0YBUWH7HZ0ZBbQh1DhkyIGsLFw4ShzMwWg5em3ZOzTZy7zen0hIdxag2Gtq2SJ4d3ET4mCAOkcHsayIBRWggJNcGhaSIuaRwjvBYQw9iGlNPvUr_aRWa2xe7oKZ7vWaAAoIJlJwM_7/s1600/Love-Quotes-Yes-Im-Single-Youre-Gonna-Have-....jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes. This. Always! <br />
...but, can you be <i>too</i> single? </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This is weighing on my mind because of the new guy I’m seeing. Here’s the scoop.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I met Ryan in early November at a happy hour with a mutual friend. He was in town making final arrangements for his cross-country move back to Ford. (We had actually lived in Ford at the same time several years ago.) We hit it off so he got my number. Over the next three or four weeks while he packed up his life out West, we texted a little, and then more and more. By the time he arrived back in Ford in early December, we were in contact daily. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few days after his return, Ryan and I met for drinks; he was cuter than I remembered. Yes! Next date was dinner, complete with him picking me up, opening the car door for me, and ordering for both of us. For our next date, he came over for takeout and a movie, which obviously led to some making out. He CALLED ME (did you know that people still do that?) on Christmas Day, just to wish me a merry Christmas. We have hung out several more times – including <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/12/what-was-your-most-miserable-new-years.html" target="_blank">New Year’s Eve</a> and my small post-birthday gathering. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Sidenote: I’m 35 now. A grownup in her mid-30s. WTF. Moving on!</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ryan meets<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/04/the-requirements-for-dating-me-note-you.html" target="_blank"> all four of the basic criteria for dating me</a>:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ol>
<li>He is college educated.</li>
<li>He makes as much or more money than I do. </li>
<li>He’s nine years older than me.</li>
<li>He lives alone.</li>
</ol>
But there's more!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Conversation is natural and genuine. He likes to write!! He is totally a grownup with a real job and a nice apartment but he also likes to smoke a little weed here and there. (This combination is hard to find and I'm a huge fan.) I like how he dresses and he wears cool glasses. He remembers everything I say, including dumb shit like my love for <i>The Bachelorette</i>. He gets along well with his family, including his sisters. The physical chemistry is hot; I know this is important to anyone, but it’s crucial for me to uncover as soon as possible based on the demise of my marriage.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, so far, things are pretty… normal, and I mean that in the very best way! Things with Ryan are just relaxed and enjoyable. I must say, it’s exciting and fun and scary to actually like a guy again. I’m not seeing anyone else. Last time this happened was with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/02/which-is-more-scary-casual-sex-or.html" target="_blank">Aaron</a> a year ago!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But here’s the thing you guys…<b> Ryan is 44-years-old and has the Single and Never Married label. </b>It seems he hasn’t even had a big relationship!<b> Fair or not, his lack of relationship history raises eyebrows.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://inspiringpretty.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/passionate-love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://inspiringpretty.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/passionate-love.jpg" height="320" width="254" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Could this be why a person is perpetually single?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Part of me finds his lack of relationship experience very appealing.</b> We are on the same page that being single is not bad – in fact, it can be terrific if you’re at peace with your life and choices. I like that he isn’t one of those people who needs to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. (After all, I have only really had two boyfriends in my life: the guy I lost my virginity to in 1998 and then my ex-husband, who I started dating in 2005.) Presumably, Ryan has less baggage so there are fewer ghosts of ex-girlfriends for me to battle.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the other hand, I find his lack of relationship experience a little disconcerting.</b> I’m all for being independent and not “needing” a relationship, but what about choosing to be brave enough to have your heart open? What about experiencing the terrifying thrill of being vulnerable to the person you love? Does he know what it’s like to have <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/07/lay-with-me-so-it-doesnt-hurt.html" target="_blank">sex with someone you love so much that you feel like you could just burst</a>? Does he know how to stay by a woman's side for more than a couple of weeks or months?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, I think of my ex-husband, who might be in the dating world. Max is attractive, smart, has a real job, and, OK, he has the Divorced label. Otherwise, he seems like quite a catch. Max <i>is</i> a catch… if you aren’t into physical or emotional intimacy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Superficially speaking, Max could seem like a better potential boyfriend than Ryan, but you and I both know how very wrong Max ended up being for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What do you think, dear reader? Is assuming commitment or other dating issues from the Single and Never Married person any more justified than from the Divorced person?</b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Is it a red flag for a person to be in his or her 40s (or whatever age you pick) with no real relationship experience? </b><b>Would you assume the person is weird/overly picky/commitment phobic? </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Or would you view the person as a sort of clean slate, free of the messiness of past love and heartache and patient enough to wait for the real deal?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center">
<a href="http://ourthreepeas.com/" title="Our Three Peas"><img alt="Our Three Peas" src="http://ourthreepeas.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/WDW-button200x200.png" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-68453827061907407182014-12-31T11:15:00.003-05:002015-01-02T11:28:12.462-05:00Dating, Getting Dumped, and Having Incredible Sex: My Top 10 Posts of 2014<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilCaIcP-28jRsplxqGONLPIWFWw8pd4ZLqOKYxQxwFlqFI5Ofgj9wEFRqsKj4im6h-GA4HkbmZTcNM9PF9ZwSItIgteUfmSlJ9Qd-ktISEs2pGgZHGfzrKo-Eb6A-cFeTzo22xFyv2jZw4/s1600/137782069819624901_peFpRKzX_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilCaIcP-28jRsplxqGONLPIWFWw8pd4ZLqOKYxQxwFlqFI5Ofgj9wEFRqsKj4im6h-GA4HkbmZTcNM9PF9ZwSItIgteUfmSlJ9Qd-ktISEs2pGgZHGfzrKo-Eb6A-cFeTzo22xFyv2jZw4/s1600/137782069819624901_peFpRKzX_c.jpg" height="247" width="320" /></a></div>
On this last day of 2014, I thank you for hanging out with me for another year of my life post-divorce, including reliving old pain with my ex, my happy times with friends and family, and my search for hot sex and love, preferably from the same person.<br />
<br />
In the grand tradition of all kinds of media at year-end, here's my very own list of my 10 most read posts of 2014.<br />
<br />
<h3>
10. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/my-return-to-online-dating-too-dull-too.html" target="_blank">My Return to Online Dating -- Too Dull, Too Exciting, and Just Right</a></h3>
In January, I went full force into the wild world of online dating.<br />
<br />
<h3>
9. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/02/one-year-later-why-i-love-my-divorce.html" target="_blank">One Year Later: Why I Love My Divorce</a></h3>
I counted my blessings on the first anniversary of my divorce.<br />
<br />
<h3>
8. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/02/incredible-sex-is-making-me-asshole.html" target="_blank">Incredible Sex is Turning Me Into an Asshole</a></h3>
I was intoxicated from Incredible Sex with a guy who was wrong, wrong, and more wrong for me. But DAMN the sex was hot...<br />
<br />
<h3>
7. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/keeping-facebook-photos-of-your-ex-just.html" target="_blank">Keeping Facebook Photos of Your Ex -- Just Documenting the Past or Harming Your Future?</a></h3>
Is it so bad to keep Facebook pics of you and your ex?<br />
<br />
<h3>
6. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/07/what-should-blogger-do-when-her.html" target="_blank">What Should A Blogger Do When Her Identity is Revealed?</a></h3>
The guy I was seeing found out about my blog. Shit.<br />
<br />
<h3>
5. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/i-want-my-ex-husband-when-im-not-fully.html" target="_blank">I Want My Ex-Husband When I'm Not Fully Conscious</a></h3>
Ever woken up in the middle of the night and wished your bed weren't empty?<br />
<br />
<h3>
4. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/04/why-silence-makes-me-scream.html" target="_blank">Why Silence Makes Me Scream</a></h3>
Want to break my heart and make me lose my mind? Then, please, don't say a word.<br />
<br />
<h3>
3. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/04/i-got-optimistic-about-guy-now-i-feel.html" target="_blank"> I Got Optimistic About A Guy. Now I Feel Stupid.</a></h3>
Two fantastic dates and then... he disappeared.<br />
<br />
<h3>
2. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/7-steps-to-getting-dumped-while-still.html" target="_blank">7 Steps to Getting Dumped While Still Looking Like a Grownup</a></h3>
If you're going to date, you're going to get dumped sometimes, so here's how I save face.<br />
<br />
<h3>
1. <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/how-to-dump-someone-you-arent-dating.html" target="_blank">How to Dump Someone You Aren’t Really Dating</a></h3>
I learned how to nicely dump people after my non-dates because even morons and bad kissers have feelings.<br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you again for reading, commenting, and sharing your perspectives! A very happy 2015 to you!</div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-85235248185864378152014-12-24T09:26:00.001-05:002015-04-21T11:16:34.207-04:00What Was Your Most Miserable New Year's Eve? <div class="MsoNormal">
New Year’s Eve is a week away, so like many people over the
age of 25, I haven’t a clue how I’ll be ringing in 2015. (Remember when you
used to start planning the NYE festivities in October?!) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I was lying in
bed this morning, I reflected on what I did the past few years.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The past two years, I was in Manhattan with my dear friend
Sue. Last year we did a blowout formal party (it was very <i>Sex & the City</i>)
and the year before we hosted a low key dinner.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 2011, Max and I had a quiet night – we just went to
dinner and saw a movie in Ford. That would be our last New Year’s Eve together.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was New Year’s Eve 2010 that got me out of bed and to my computer. I need to tell you about it so I can let it go.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
My Husband Disappears into Depression</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In late 2010, Max had been fading away into a shell of his
former self. He was losing weight and his fair Irish skin became even more
washed out as he hardly moved or ate. He wanted nothing to do with me; he wouldn’t
speak to me, much less touch me. If I tried to engage him in conversation, he
would look at me with exasperation and sadness, his face dark and distant. If
he responded to me, it was as brief as possible. Other times, he just ignored
me entirely. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was utterly beside myself. Who was this sad, cold man?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not that you would ever want to see your loved one in this
state, but it was all made worst that this was happening during the holiday
season. Reminders to rejoice and count your blessings and believe in the goddamn
magic of the season were sparkling everywhere around me. I just prayed that my
husband wouldn’t hurt himself. (He never did, thank God.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We slogged through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my 31st
birthday, doing our best to look like a normal couple. Though, on my birthday,
I had a glass of wine too many. In the restaurant bathroom, I accidentally
tearfully mentioned to my mom that Max and I hadn’t had sex in a year or
whatever it was at the time. I then told her not to tell anyone. She never
breathed a word about it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.glamour.com/images/entertainment/2013/12/nye-when-harry-met-sally-w724.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.glamour.com/images/entertainment/2013/12/nye-when-harry-met-sally-w724.jpg" height="209" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was nothing like my New Year's Eve.<br />
Thanks, Hollywood.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h3>
I Have the Audacity to Kiss My Husband</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Needless to say, the idea of trying to make merry for New
Year’s Eve was out of the question.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, we were spending New Year’s Eve with Max’s family, which
sounded very boring but given Max’s state – which we were both keeping secret –
I was trying to say yes to him as much as possible. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We went to Max’s sister’s house for some tasteless Chinese
takeout and belated Christmas gift exchanging. Conversation with his sisters
never came easily, but I remember it feeling even more awkward and forced.
After a polite amount of time, we headed back to Max’s parents’ house. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
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It was probably around 10 p.m. when Max and I were upstairs
getting changed for bed (yes, 10 p.m., New Year’s Eve, 31 years old). <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I made a mistake. I had the audacity to try to sneak a kiss
on my husband.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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He pushed me away with disgust and disinterest. It was like
I’d offended him by trying to <i>kiss my husband on fucking New Year’s Eve</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was hurt and humiliated. “What the hell is wrong with
you?!” I asked in a hushed tone, knowing the walls were thin. “Is it so
terrible that I wanted to kiss you!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I honestly can’t remember what he said because I must have
blocked it out. But the message was clear: he wanted no part of my love or
affection, so I should stay away from him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Not long after, I cried myself to sleep on an
air mattress, Max and I as far apart as possible while still technically sharing the bed. I was asleep when the clock struck midnight. Happy New Year.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The next morning, Max’s mom, Sara, and I were alone in the
kitchen while Max and his dad watched football.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Is everything OK? I heard you two arguing last night,” <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/i-had-lunch-with-my-ex-husbands-family.html" target="_blank">Sara</a>
whispered. She was not being nosey; she was truly concerned.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I couldn’t speak without sobbing, so I just locked eyes with my mother-in-law and slowly shook my head.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She put her hand on my arm and didn’t say a word. Like with
drunken birthday confession to my own mother, Sara and I didn’t speak of my New
Year’s Eve argument again. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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During the three-hour car ride home on New Year’s Day 2011,
Max didn’t speak to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I haven’t thought about that in so long. Tears are falling as
I write about that holiday, almost three years into my history. I can’t believe
how the pain is still so real, even though I have moved on with my life and
never doubted <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/02/one-year-later-why-i-love-my-divorce.html" target="_blank">my decision to divorce Max</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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I write this to leave it in my past. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>What was your worst New Year's Eve?</b></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-75294823724215189072014-12-14T22:12:00.001-05:002016-05-09T10:10:07.216-04:00Being An Easygoing Wife Helped Destroy My Marriage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lawhimsy.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/be-sweet-but-take-no-crap-monday-mantra-via-lawhimsy.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://lawhimsy.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/be-sweet-but-take-no-crap-monday-mantra-via-lawhimsy.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>“She’s really… easy.”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/09/my-dating-diet-part-2-tribute-to-3.html" target="_blank">Yoshi, Meredith,</a> and I were at happy hour, asking our friend Connor about his trip to Asia. Connor and his girlfriend had spent two weeks hopping planes and filling their passports with stamps. I wanted to know how that was, that kind of 24 hours a day time with his significant other while traversing foreign lands?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Easy” was the word that Connor chose to describe his girlfriend. He meant it as a compliment – his girlfriend has a relaxed, welcoming way about her that conveniently translates into any language.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My mind wandered to my defunct marriage. I scribbled, “Is it good to be easy????” on my cocktail napkin.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Would Max have ever used that word to describe me? </div>
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<br /></div>
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You should know that no one would ever call me a pushover or lacking in opinions. I have always stood up for myself. But it might surprise you to know that I'm conflict avoidant. What can I say, I’m <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/field-guide-families/201210/the-secret-powers-middle-children" target="_blank">a middle child</a> who likes to keep the peace!</div>
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I sure did try to be what I thought was an easy girlfriend, then fiancée, then spouse. (Hell, I even tried to be an easy ex-wife in <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/08/5-secrets-to-living-with-my-ex-husband.html" target="_blank">our months of forced cohabitation</a>.)</div>
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In my marriage, my quest to be an easy spouse translated into avoiding arguments with Max at all costs. <i>FYI, this is a really dumb tactic. </i></div>
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<b>Examples of Kat the Easy Wife:</b></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>I said little when I felt our apartment needed to be cleaned more often. Instead, I finally hired a cleaning service, which helped lessen my resentment of Max's lack of participation in housework. I was still pissed off that he never scrubbed a toilet.</li>
</ul>
<br />
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</div>
<ul>
<li>Sometimes on Friday nights, I would go to happy hour with friends until Max got home. When he texted that he was close to home, I would head home for the night, whether I was ready to leave or not. We’d spend the evening the way he liked it – chilling on the couch, maybe watching a movie. Of course I enjoyed spending time with him… but, well, I was often sort of bored. I’d wish he would have come met me out. Not like I asked him to do that though.</li>
</ul>
<br />
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</div>
<ul>
<li>In 2011, I wanted to go on vacation just the two of us, but when Max’s buddy wanted to get a beach house, I went along with it. Nevermind that we were renting a house with two couples that each had two children under the age of 5. Nevermind that we hadn’t been away alone since our honeymoon. I didn’t want to disappoint Max or be an unaccommodating wife by saying no. So we went to the beach for an unmemorable, orgasm-free week of stepping on Cheerios and tripping over beach toys. (This ended up being our last vacation together.)</li>
</ul>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>My version of trying to be an easy spouse meant <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/04/why-silence-makes-me-scream.html" target="_blank">keeping quiet </a>and ultimately losing parts of myself to this rather dull – but easy! – version of Max’s wife.</b></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The way that I finally stopped being easy was in dealing with our fading sex life.<br />
<br />
I tolerated our disappearing intimacy for two years before I got Max to a doctor who recommended <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/from-engagement-to-divorce-tale-of-3.html" target="_blank">therapy</a>. Then, after some progress had been made, we backslid, so I again demanded we get help. As scary as it was to push Max to address his issues – and try to save our fledgling marriage – it was the one area where I just couldn’t back down. I was not on his case 24 hours a day, because I did give him some space to figure himself out. But the issue was always in the air.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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By 2011, I was not easy anymore. I refused to go with the nonexistent flow of our sex life. I had to have the courage to allow conflict to happen. It was scary as hell. <b>In my heart, I knew that not being the easy spouse would likely lead us to divorce. </b>I was right.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So, whenever I get into a relationship again, do I want to be described as "easy"? I want to be laidback where I can be. I want to be open to trying things that my significant other wants me to experience. I want to be that girlfriend who you can bring into pretty much any situation and she’ll be able to hang.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>But if being easy means ignoring the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship for the sake of avoiding conflict, no thank you. </b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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(And speaking of not easy, I do still have on my leg brace as I recover from <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/11/7-reasons-why-im-grateful-for-my-broke.html" target="_blank">my broken kneecap</a>. 61 days and counting…)</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What are you like in relationships? Do you strive to be easy? Do you let arguments happen? Do you think it's a compliment to be described as easy?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-33627483163333353882014-12-02T22:28:00.001-05:002014-12-03T08:51:37.662-05:00Why Do Guys Who Dumped Me Come Back to Apologize?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: start;">As I look back on my dating experiences in 2014, I have discovered a theme: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: start;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
I acted too hastily.<b> I’m sorry.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
I was selfish. <b>I’m sorry. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
I regret letting it end like that. <b>I’m sorry.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, I'm not the one apologizing -- it's the dudes I've dated. I have had it up to my ass with I’m sorry!<br />
<br />
I have been single for less than two years, and only really been dating for one, but I think it’s safe to say I am back in the dating game. I’ve gone out with all kinds of kinds, from the <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/05/my-boyfriend-is-not-insecure-sleazy.html" target="_blank">vegan who didn’t drink</a> to the former Navy man to the <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/08/we-come-together-cuz-opposites-attract.html" target="_blank">pot smoking bartender</a>. I’ve gone out with <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/does-age-matter-in-dating-i-experiment.html" target="_blank">guys seven years younger to 10 years older</a>.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Here is what I don’t get: </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Why do guys keep coming back to apologize? </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuHH2WLZsqlkGOkqayCs66gEYaA-f3c6zrRtxIjdssKqyBg76ao_HlOuGMFiIF87rcdKdriZby4-EIJsvAmct0PcpN7gglRGR44R9jw6GbVmOr3J5sirf4zH81Mf8BScFGqGH_L7FNDf-e/s1600/2014-12-02+21.30.11.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuHH2WLZsqlkGOkqayCs66gEYaA-f3c6zrRtxIjdssKqyBg76ao_HlOuGMFiIF87rcdKdriZby4-EIJsvAmct0PcpN7gglRGR44R9jw6GbVmOr3J5sirf4zH81Mf8BScFGqGH_L7FNDf-e/s1600/2014-12-02+21.30.11.png" height="320" width="316" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Andrew probably didn't expect my response. Tough noogies.<br />
(His misuse of "literally" is so not hot.)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the past year, Todd, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/04/when-unicorns-are-real-sometimes-nice.html" target="_blank">John</a>, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/02/my-week-of-men-disney-date-sext-and.html" target="_blank">Aaron</a>, one of the 27-year-olds, and just on Saturday, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/08/modern-dating-means-waiting-to-for-man.html" target="_blank">Andrew</a> have all come back around to apologize for their unique versions of ditching me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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(If you’re keeping track, <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/07/what-should-blogger-do-when-her.html" target="_blank">Carl</a> is the only one who has not. But I told him that he hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid, so he avoids eye contact with me now. I probably won’t be getting a late night text apology any time soon!)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somewhere between a few weeks and few months after The End, my phone has chirped to reveal an out-of-the-blue text message, usually from a contact who I’ve deleted from my phone, saying "blah blah <b>I’m sorry</b>."<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes they wanted another chance to date me, sometimes they just wanted to clear their conscience. And who knows, maybe some of them just wanted to get in my pants.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
None of the breakups/male disappearances were all that dramatic. I never shed one tear over any of them. When shit ended, I might’ve expressed disappointment (if I even had the opportunity), but that is about it. My point is, certainly no guy I’ve dated since my divorce ever walked away from me thinking he’d broken my heart or scarred me for life or turned me into a <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bunny+Boiler" target="_blank">bunny boiler</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So there’s me, gaping at my phone. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>An apology, after all this time… <br />
do I even care?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fine, I admit it. My ego loves the apologies. I’m like, hells yeah, you realize that I am kind of awesome and now you’re missing out! <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The downside is that I’m often tempted to recycle, and <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/10/is-it-ever-worth-it-to-recycle-former.html" target="_blank">recycling DOES NOT WORK</a>! I know this. You know this. And yet I sometimes try again (see: Todd; <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/04/why-silence-makes-me-scream.html" target="_blank">John</a>; and most recently Aaron). By the way, recycling for sex/booty call purposes is different and totally acceptable (see: <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/11/sexwithmyex.html" target="_blank">Jason</a>).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Again, I’ve only really been dating for about a year, but I feel like this is an abnormal amount of apologies. Do you agree?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>But, the more mystifying question is just <i>why</i> these dudes apologize to me? </b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one has really owed me much of an apology – like no guy has been guilty of more than being an idiot with me. Do their apologies say something solid about my character, that they want to win back my respect? or do I remind them of their guilty-dishing mothers? Or maybe I’m just good enough in the sack that they want to take a shot? (Not that I slept with all of the apology distributors, but they could use their imaginations based on the data they collected.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
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<b>What is your experience with former flames apologizing? And can you shed any light on my experience?!</b><o:p></o:p></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-48406007382844985012014-11-26T11:37:00.000-05:002014-11-28T09:10:13.677-05:007 Reasons Why I'm Grateful for My Broken Kneecap<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been 43 days since <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/10/divorced-woman-breaks-her-kneecap-who.html" target="_blank">I broke my kneecap</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpSGsIcrB0zkrP60bBskZbCAKXbpS7b0SQnEbHCdTLPzoThv8pKKQjVjh697lE5eCg-72_Y49nqFyxZRI1fzVHQQVosduiT_2ecto3brH6Uc2XMwK9nS36ZZ1_EQ7-oSZd8D8yZBKl08_K/s1600/20141122_133743.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpSGsIcrB0zkrP60bBskZbCAKXbpS7b0SQnEbHCdTLPzoThv8pKKQjVjh697lE5eCg-72_Y49nqFyxZRI1fzVHQQVosduiT_2ecto3brH6Uc2XMwK9nS36ZZ1_EQ7-oSZd8D8yZBKl08_K/s1600/20141122_133743.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My knee is bigger than my quad!<br />
Waaahhhhh!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
43 days since I have shaved or properly bathed my left leg.<o:p></o:p></div>
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43 days since I slept on my side or stomach.<o:p></o:p></div>
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43 days since I wore a skirt or dress or high heels or pants with a zipper.<o:p></o:p></div>
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43 days since I drove a car or carried a bag of groceries or climbed on my kitchen counter to reach a mixing bowl.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Going from being a single and <i>very</i> independent woman to needing help with everything – in the beginning, my mom had to dress me – has been hard on my pride and my self image. I have watched my strong legs turn pale and soft. I miss exercise so much that I have literally dreamed about it and started crying just talking about <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/10/i-almost-cried-at-mile-7-of-my-half.html" target="_blank">running</a> with my physical therapist.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But, as I do start to see progress, thanks to time and physical therapy, I have started to gain some clarity.<br />
<br />
Not unlike with my divorce, going through something challenging and shitty reminds me of just how many blessings I have. <br />
<br /></div>
<h4>
My broken kneecap has made me pause and be grateful because:</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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</div>
<ol>
<li><b>I am close with my parents, both emotionally and geographically.</b> I would have been absolutely lost without my parents. I stayed with them for 24 days when I needed help with, well, EVERYTHING. Thankfully we have a good relationship, my parents are in good health, and they only live an hour away from me.</li>
<li><b>I have built up a wonderful group of friends where I live.</b> After almost 12 years in the Ford area, I have the kinds of friends who cart me to physical therapy and book club and the local bar; help me change my bed sheets; bring me apple cider and Fireball; take out my recycling; make me dinner; and stop at the grocery store to buy me Silk Light Soymilk. <br />Love, love, love <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/05/8-ways-to-be-kickass-friend-to-divorcee.html" target="_blank">my friends</a>!</li>
<li><b>I have great coworkers.</b> My team made me feel missed and important through my weeks of working from home. They even sent me a thoughtful gift basket with wine (because, duh, I’m me); fruit (because they knew I would want to be super careful about my eating); and a little chocolate (because I freaking deserved it).</li>
<li><b>I have extended relationships from friendly acquaintance to actual friendship.</b> When I returned to Ford, I found myself with more free time that I expected. Without going to the gym, my evenings are open, giving me time to reach out to several women who were just friendly acquaintances, but I’d always wanted to get to know them more. Those evenings out with them were awesome!</li>
<li><b>I have excellent health insurance.</b> One trip to the ER, two visits to the orthopedist, three physical therapy appointments, and some prescriptions for painkillers and I’m not up to my ears in bills.</li>
<li><b>I have not been able to pursue some fun booty calls.</b> OK, this sucked in the moment, but it’s for probably the best. So weird, but several 20-somethings from my past suddenly had me on the brain – including <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/10/the-i-love-you-fail-incredible-sex-and.html" target="_blank">Jason, the Incredible Sex</a>. <br />All I had to do was send a picture of my leg brace and away they went. Just as well, I think.</li>
<li><b>I have a sweet ex mother-in-law.</b> <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/07/divorcing-his-family-saying-good-bye-to.html" target="_blank">It’s been two years since I told my in-laws that I was divorcing their son.</a> No matter. Since I fell, she has sent me two get well cards, called once, and emails to check in. <br />As she wrote to me in an email, “Thank God for parents and friends. Even ex in-laws will help if needed. Don’t ever forget that.”</li>
</ol>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Terminator brace.</td></tr>
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(And, I can’t put this on the Why I’m Grateful list, but interestingly, since I have been on crutches I have met two cool guys in <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/03/7-steps-to-finding-my-next-guy-in-real.html" target="_blank">real life</a>. I think seeing a woman on crutches brings out a man’s desire to be the knight in shining armor. And hey, I do need someone to open the door and help me with my coat and assist me with getting on to a bar stool, so it works out nicely! One guy is moving back to Ford in two weeks, and the other lives in western Pennsylvania. I’m not ready to share details yet, particularly on the Pennsylvania guy, so let’s just see what happen in the coming weeks.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, while I cannot wait to get this damn brace off my leg, at least it can remind me that this is just one moment in my life. Permanent damage has not been done. I will heal and bounce back, and I will have the love and support of my family and friends… just like when I got divorced.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>What misfortune have you endured that made you more appreciative of your life?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1883263011548393946.post-39136266031731197662014-11-16T23:06:00.000-05:002014-11-17T16:50:15.640-05:00Why Did I Dump A Smart, Cute Guy Who Thought I Was Super?<div class="MsoNormal">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Wanna go out, Kat? I'll drive!"</td></tr>
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After weeks of texting and <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/11/my-great-date-didnt-require-bra-or-shoes.html" target="_blank">FaceTime chats with Lucas</a>, we finally saw each other again. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Last Sunday and then again on Friday, Lucas came over. (I’m still in a leg brace while my <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/10/divorced-woman-breaks-her-kneecap-who.html" target="_blank">broken kneecap</a> heals, so I can’t really go anywhere.) We ate takeout, we watched 80s movies. He held my hand, he kissed me good night. He said he wanted to see me again – and soon. <o:p></o:p></div>
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After he left on Friday I just knew. I was sure of it! So, today, I told him:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>“I have really enjoyed getting to know you the past few weeks, but I don’t feel that we are quite the right match for dating.”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Bummer, right?!<br />
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Why didn’t I feel that Lucas and I were the right match? He seemed to meet the <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2013/04/the-requirements-for-dating-me-note-you.html" target="_blank">Requirements for Dating Me</a>. He is tall with a great smile, has earned not one but TWO master’s degrees, <i>and </i>thought I was super.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a grownup. After months of dating <a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/06/does-age-matter-in-dating-i-experiment.html" target="_blank">guys who were too young for me</a>, I want to date a grownup. I mean it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Once my relationship with Lucas moved from texting and FaceTime to real life, I discovered that he was a 23-year-old trapped in a 33-year-old’s body:</b></div>
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<li><b>Lucas sleeps like a 23-year-old.</b> He prides himself on sleeping until 11 or 12 on the weekends, then takes a nap around 2. By noon on a weekend, I will have gone running and/or attended a yoga class, cooked and ate breakfast while watching a rerun of Beverly Hills 90210, and folded a load of laundry.</li>
<li><b>Lucas drinks like a 23-year-old. </b>Lucas described a night out with a friend as awesome because he got “shitfaced.” His social activities seem to revolve around his quest for getting wasted, including Thursday nights. <br />If you’ve ever read my blog, you know that I enjoy kissing, exercising, and drinking. I very much enjoy alcohol, but really it’s that I like spending time and talking with others; a glass of wine in hand complements the experience nicely. Sure, sometimes I do get drunk. But I have not gone out specifically seeking “shitfaced” status in about a decade. BECAUSE I’M A GROWNUP.</li>
<li><b>Lucas dates like an (inconsiderate) 23-year-old.</b> The two times he came over, he was wearing a random t-shirt and jeans. Yes, I was in drawstring pants (thank you, leg brace), but I had on a cute top and makeup! Effort, you guys, I expect a man to put in a little effort if he is going to date me. <br />
But here’s the kicker. Before he came over on Friday, he asked me if I liked plum wine. I said I wasn’t sure, but I don’t usually like sweet wine. He said I wouldn’t know unless I tried it. Fair enough (but a touch condescending, no?). So what did he do that night? He showed up with ONE bottle of wine – the plum wine – which lo and behold, I hated. His solution was to suggest I open one of my bottles of wine. I had one glass as he proceeded to drink almost the entire bottle of his gross plum wine. <br />
Oh, and I should also mention that I paid for our takeout and he never said thank you. Rude <i>and </i>tacky.</li>
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Last but not least, I did not like the way he kissed. Oh HELLS no.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love to kiss way too much to settle for a guy whose kissing style <br />
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Funny how a guy could have seemed like he had such potential over text and FaceTime until real life revealed how incompatible we actually are.<br />
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(And no, he did not reply to my "<a href="http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/01/how-to-dump-someone-you-arent-dating.html" target="_blank">thanks but no thanks</a>" text.)</div>
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In the meantime, let’s hope this damn leg brace comes off when I go to the doctor tomorrow! I am so over sweatpants, unshaven legs, and sleeping motionless flat on my back.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Have you ever thought someone could be a good match for dating in the virtual world until the real world wrecked it?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
Divorced Kathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01740271601866523220noreply@blogger.com20