Tuesday, March 18, 2014

8 Strategies for Finding My Next Guy in Real Life

My divorce was final for a year in February 2014, and my relationship with my ex-husband has pretty much been over since July 2012. I’ve dabbled in online dating and had my share of Mr. Right Now and the Incredible Sex. So, in January, I realized that I am ready for a boyfriend. Wow, go me!

I thought I was on the boyfriend track when I met John. Then I thought I was on track again when I met Aaron. Both times, I was wrong. Bummer!

I met both guys through OKCupid, so I have decided to change things up. I think Yoshi had an interesting point that perhaps connecting through online dating makes the meeting process so easy that it feels easier to walk away. So, I want to meet my next guy naturally (or, as we say on Twitter, IRL).

I’m a very practical, goal-oriented kind of person, so I have put a plan in place to find my match:
"You want to buy me a soda?
Golly, that sounds neat!"

  1. Cleanse my phone. I went through my contacts and deleted Todd, John, Aaron, and even the 26 Year Old. I didn’t want to ever be tempted to drunk text or something stupid like that. And my phone is MINE, so no potentially toxic people allowed. (Jason, Mr. Incredible Sex, is still in my phone because he hasn’t fully gone away. It's good to have him programmed in my phone so I know to ignore him.)
  2. Stop grooming you-know-where. OK, sorry to go a little TMI on you, but it occurred to me that if I’m not ready for showtime, that will keep me from casually hooking up. At this point for me, hookups are a distraction on the path to finding my next guy. In addition, I was recently tested for every STD and thankfully I’m clean, so I want to keep it that way.
    (Though, since I deleted all of my previous options from my phone, it’s unlikely a casual hookup would occur. Better safe than sorry!)
  3. Smile at strangers. You know, it’s funny that this little tactic is starting to work. I smiled at a guy at a happy hour, at the gym, and in the elevator in my building, and each of them struck up a conversation with me. Nothing else happened, but it’s a step!
  4. Don't look for him at bar. We all seem to think we will meet someone a bar, but seriously, who often does someone meet a legitimate match at a bar? Rarely. So I'm going to stop looking for him at bars and just focus on my friends.
  5. Keep exercising. On Sunday, I ran my second half marathon and it made me feel strong and sexy. Yoga and spinning also continue to provide me with balance. I need exercise to keep up my confidence and toughness. And hey, eventually someone will see me naked again, so I’ll be glad I kept up my exercise routine!
  6. Tell people I’m open to setups. Probably no one will take me up on it, but you never know whose friend’s dry cleaner’s personal trainer’s brother might be my perfect match! The key is being open (but realistic).
  7. Keep my standards high. If you’ve read my blog, you know that my ex-husband and I still have love and respect for each other. He was a faithful and loyal husband to me, and in general he is a smart, good man. I know this might sound really weird, but in dating, I will think of Max. Would Max be disappointed in me for dating this guy? This imaginary guy might never meet Max, but he’ll have to measure up. In case you were wondering, I think Max would have been fine with Todd, John, and Aaron, but would have been HORRIFIED about Jason.
  8. Blossom where I’m planted. My friends, family, and I are healthy. I love the town where I live. My job is stable and I can pay my bills. I think of that line from Sex & The City when Aiden tells Carrie, "I have a life. I'm just making room for you in it." That will be me.
    If I don’t lose sight of my blessings and enjoy myself, I believe the right guy will appear. 

As always, I will keep you updated on my dating adventures!

How do these tips look to you? Anything else I should try? What are your tips for finding your next significant other?
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  1. Don @ HowYouCanFindLoveMarch 20, 2014 at 7:59 PM

    They all sound good to me. I like the idea of not meeting guys at the bars. You can meet guys anywhere, as long as you get out there do things. It shouldn't be hard for them to approach you, since you've got the smiling part down already!

  2. Thanks Don! I'm definitely not a homebody, so hopefully I will be able to find him while I'm out and about.

  3. I think your points are bang on. I've been divorced for a decade and although I've had a slew of dates here and there, I am only now ready for something a little more permanent. It took a while to get here but once you fall back in love with yourself possibilities are endless. Just don't forget about you. :)

  4. Everyone is different about how much time is needed after a divorce to start dating again. I did the casual dating thing for awhile because it was all i could handle. It's a nice feeling to believe that I'm ready for an actual relationship again, whenever it might appear. :)

  5. A great list! I have recently decided I need to break up with online dating for a bit, as well, but I am unsure how else to meet men, so this is a good reminder than online isn't the only way to go.

  6. I know, online dating is just the go-to answer these days. I have no problem with meeting guys that way, I just want to challenge myself and try something different.

  7. Nice plan! I like it! Keep us posted :)

  8. I certainly will!

  9. A little late to the party, but just wanted to say I enjoyed this post and your blog overall. My divorce was final a year ago on 7/11 (Oh, thank heaven!) and I've had two dates since courtesy of online dating. I've since taken a break from that - I'm a single mom and let's just say that's not what every guy is looking for. But that's OK. I'm back to the organic approach (my list is very similar to yours) and not worrying about it too much for now. It'll happen when it happens. :)

  10. Thank you Liz! And congrats on your divorce. I'm sure dating as a parent is very challenging. All the more reason to take your time! Good luck with dating!