Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I'm Not Afraid to Walk Away From A Guy I Really Like

I am ready for a relationship, and I don’t apologize for it. Hell, I'm proud of it! It’s taken a lot of post-divorce healing/therapy/yoga plus a healthy dose of pointless – but fun! – dating. I know I’m ready and emotionally healthy enough to open my heart to a man… but he must earn and be worthy of something so precious.

I really like Ryan, the guy I've been seeing since December. I see so much potential for a relationship with him, more so than with anyone else I have dated since I got divorced two years ago. But for all the ways that Ryan and I are compatible in our personalities, lifestyles, and even sexual styles, none of it matters in the slightest if we don’t both want a relationship right now -- not eventually, not next month, right now.

Last week, after days of my doubting and questioning (and a long overdue trip to my therapist), I decided that maybe I’d been a crazy female. I needed to chill the fuck out and just enjoy.

So, when Ryan and I spent last Friday night together, it was lovely. We got takeout, snuggled, watched a movie, had hot sex, and slept together. He held my hand, he called me babe. The next morning, we got breakfast together (bagels!!!). I was loving it. All felt boyfriend-y. It felt nice and real.

But, I asked if he wanted to come to my friend’s birthday drinks that evening, and he said he had already made plans. That is fine of course, and actually very attractive that he has a life. But, it dawned on me that in all the weeks that we have been hanging out, he has never once suggested I meet his friends or coworkers. Not that I need to meet his best friend yet, but even a casual, “come meet us out for happy hour” type thing.

Then on Sunday, I asked if he wanted to just hang out, super low key, in a close the gap between Dating and Relationship type way. He said yes… then an hour later, he said no, he just wanted to chill (read: alone). The big "ouch" factor was that he didn’t ask when I would be free in the week.

We hung up and then I realized, I can do better than this. 

I like Ryan a lot, but I’m not interested in hovering in this almost-a-relationship-but-not-quite territory indefinitely. I do think he likes both my personality and appearance, but I have felt him slowly throw up a wall the past few weeks. I don't know why, and I'm not particularly interested in playing armchair shrink to find out. If he doesn’t want a relationship, I completely understand and respect that (I've been there!), but I also respect myself enough to walk away.

So, I called Ryan back. I said, “I’d like us to get together and talk about what’s been going on between us. Are you free tomorrow?” (Totally stole this approach from this article.)

He agreed, and we were supposed to meet last night, which is why I was holding off on this blog post. However, the faux blizzard hit our area, so The Talk is postponed until tomorrow Thursday.

I recognize that in all likelihood, this will be our kiss-off, which super sucks. But we need to talk so I can stop guessing, and we can either move forward together or go our separate ways.

The bitch of all relationships, whether platonic or romantic, is that you have to want the same thing at the same time for the relationship to work. I have learned that I must be loyal to myself, first and foremost. I don’t settle for subpar relationships with anyone, so why start with someone who I want to date?

(And next week, I'll obviously dish on what happened during The Talk.)

Have you had to walk away from someone you were enjoying dating but felt you wanted different things?


  1. I'm still in the fun dating phase. I'm basically doing what I should have done in my early twenties, but didn't. Dude. It's so fun.

    As someone who is actively putting up walls with people, your instincts are right. Walk away if he doesn't or can't want a relationship right now.

    Proud of you Kat!!!


    Mustang Sally

  2. I think it's awesome that you know what you want and don't want to settle. Your happiness is at stake. A relationship is a huge part of your life, and it should be one you enjoy. Good luck with The Talk!

  3. Thank you so much. We shall see what happens...

  4. Dating should always be fun! And dating without purpose can be a special kind of fun. ;) Enjoy it!

  5. Hahaha, thank you! Yes, my ex definitely had communication issues. I'm all set on that for a lifetime. If I hear "I don't know" from Ryan tonight, my head will explode! Wish me luck, and I look forward to dishing next week...

  6. I struggled with this recently but finally decided to dump the guy. First time dumping a guy since i was 14... (now 30). I can't say I did it the most mature way... but it felt good to be like you know what, this guy is actually pretty shitty... walking away from a 8 month relate is so much easier than a marriage at least.

  7. Yes, you are right you really have to want the same thing for it to work!

  8. Ryan isn't a shitty guy, so it would be a big bummer to end things. Regardless, I think it's gratifying to know that you stuck up for yourself. If you don't respect yourself, who will?

  9. Yup, for better or for worse, right?!

  10. Glad that he wasn't a shitty guy or isn't a shitty guy! So much easier if you find out they are.

  11. Awww...didn't make it through the Gap. Sigh. I had high hopes for this one - but sounds like the signs are there. Good luck hon.

  12. So sorry to hear this relationship is not what you'd hoped it would be. Linking up behind you at Friendship Fridays.

  13. Although it is disappointing your relationship didn't work out the way you had hoped, I commend you for not sticking around in the hope he "changes" or until you "make him fall in love with you" as many other woman do. The fact you recognised what you want in your life and what you want from a relationship and you weren't prepared to compromise is inspiring. Good on you for knowing you deserved to be treated better! I found your post at Turn it Up Tuesday which I am currently guest hosting

  14. Hi Kat! Sorry your relationship didn't end up how you wanted it to. I've
    been reading some of your posts and wanted to let you know that there's
    this new TV show called Five Star that is casting right now. I'd apply myself but apparently I'm not in the right age range :( You or
    your readers might be interested this! Maybe? Anyway here's the link
    that I found:
    https://www.mysticartpictures.com/new-look/now_casting_details.php?nc_id=134. In
    any case, I wish you and the rest of us luck in trying to thrive post

  15. That's OK. It was fun while it lasted!

  16. Thanks for sharing the link! Sounds a little scary to me though!!

  17. Nope, we didn't. I was hoping too, but his lengthy past of no real relationships was concerning...

  18. Oh yes, I already married someone who I was hoping would change, and that sure didn't work out for me! Open heart, open mind -- and open eyes. Thanks for stopping by!

  19. Hehe! That's alright, could be fun for others :)