Monday, October 7, 2013

The I Love You Fail, Incredible Sex, and Our Impending Judgment Day

"Kat, are you my girl?"
My quick breath was slowing. My feet cramped from arching so intensely. My mind was totally blank.

“Kat,” Jason whispered in my ear.

In a euphoric daze, I lifted my head off Jason's chest to encounter an intense look in his green eyes.

“I love you.”

“Huh?” I articulately grunted as I snapped my head up with a start. Way to snap a girl out of her post-orgasm fog.

“I love you.”

Always the graceful one in such moments, I impulsively covered his mouth with my hand and looked away. “Don’t say that. Don’t say that right now. I can’t…”

The next day, Jason would refer to this moment as “the big I Love You Fail.”

Other than my wonderful father and brother, only two guys have told me that they loved me: Max and the boyfriend I lost my virginity to in 1998. Now, here I was, only seeing Jason for about six weeks and he claims he’s in love with me.

Jason has been trying hard for weeks to get me to commit on some level, and I just can’t/won't. In fairness, I made it quite clear from the first very date that I needed things to go slowly and I was NOT looking for a relationship. Meanwhile, he has steadily fallen for me and hasn’t been shy about telling me. 
  • He has asked repeatedly if I’m “his girl.” I say I’m my own girl. 
  • He asked me to come to a family party. I said I wasn’t ready for that. 
  • He asked when he might meet my parents. I said it would take a LONG ASS TIME for any guy to meet my parents. 
  • He asked if I would ever want to get married again. I said I didn’t even want to hear the M word anytime soon. 
So, yeah, can’t accuse me of being unclear with my words.

On the other hand, we spend a lot of time together. Since he works late at the restaurant, we have a lot of sleepovers. He stays asleep in my bed after I go to work. Since I’ve moved into my apartment he’s come over most Sundays for dinner. I told him I’m not dating or sleeping with anyone else. And I will tell you, dear readers, that sometimes I wish I could take the way he makes me feel and wrap myself up in him. A Jason Blanket, if you will.

Here’s the real kicker, given the marriage I just got out of: we have incredible sex and a lot of it. Not surprisingly, we cannot get enough of it! It’s like nothing either of us have ever had. It can be sweet, it can be dirty, it can sensitive, and it can be a little rough. I’m just guessing, but I don’t think this kind of sexual compatibility is easy to come by. It is so good I'm naming it!!

I think the Incredible Sex is the best and worst thing that could happen to us. You see, I don’t picture Jason and me together for the long haul. For me, he’s a sweet, funny guy who makes me feel special and very, very sexy right now. What more do I need than a Mr. Right Now? And I’ll be damned if I’m going to walk away from Incredible Sex if I don’t have to. (Hmmm, am I the worst person ever?)

Jason sees me as wife material, maybe in part because I’m the first woman he’s dated who actually has her life in order and doesn’t have daddy issues or whatever. Honestly I don’t know how he can think that we have a real future when we’re so different, and in ways that I’m certain would eventually drive us apart. I can’t help but wonder if the Incredible Sex is making him believe that his feelings for me are stronger than they really are? I don’t know.

I found out today, one week after the I Love You Fail, that the two month mark is “Judgment Day,” which I assume is when he is going to tell me that either I need to commit to being His Girl or I go back to my vibrator. Sadly, I will probably have to let him dump me. I want to be with him, but I don’t want him to waste his time with me either, given that I know he wants to get married, have kids, and do all that crap that sounds unappealing and suffocating to me right now.

So this leaves me in a weird spot. He tells me he loves me – still! – and I just don’t answer. I want to be with him now even though I see no future for us (but he clearly does).

As Jason says, “Shit happens.”

Have you dated someone who loved you but you didn’t feel the same way? Or, have you been the one with my stronger feelings than the other person? How did you handle the imbalance?
I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop


  1. Oh no. :(
    It's nice that you're honest though. In the end, if it comes to an end, after the healing, I bet it will be important to him that you cared enough to be honest.

    Thank you for linking to Super Sunday Sync.

  2. You seem to be quite laid back and open about it. That's good, but also sad that this wonderful man appeared in your life now, when you don't really want to commit. But the, maybe that's a good thing, maybe this is what you wanted...

  3. I hope he doesn't resent me if he does have to break up with me. I just can't imagine telling someone I loved him and getting NO RESPONSE. :(

  4. I don't want to commit, but I also know this is not the guy that I could ever marry, ya know? I wish people didn't take dating so seriously! Can't we all just hang out and not think about the future?!

  5. Kat - If I've learned anything at all through my divorce, it's that loving someone means loving them for who they are, where they are. If he really, actually does love you, he shouldn't be giving you these kind of ultimateums. If he loves you, he loves all of you - including the part of you that needs to be just what you are right now. Not ready to meet parents. Not ready for family time. And goodness gracious not ready to talk about the M word.

    The imbalance in emotionally commitment you're feeling right now is, I think, totally normal. And if he loves you, he'll get that, and hang in there anyway.

    Mustang Sally

  6. Michelle DeLorge@ Scattered WrOctober 8, 2013 at 11:23 AM

    OMG, don't get me started. Most of my life I was the one with the "feelings" that never got returned. Being on the other end. It hurts. I spent a lot of time trying to be someone that I wasn't in the hopes that it would make love come. With age, I learned that it either happens or it doesn't but you can't make it happen and changing yourself to force it only hurts you.

  7. It's tough because he has the right to the relationship he wants too. Just sucks if I'm not ready and willing to give it to him.

  8. Ouch that sounds so painful.
    I have thought about things I wish were different about him... but that is really my problem, not his. He shouldn't feel like he has to change to win my heart.

  9. Michelle DeLorge@ Scattered WrOctober 8, 2013 at 1:03 PM

    It was. The biggest thing is that they weren't really open and honest like you have been. Women are really much better at this sort of thing then men are.

  10. He said it first. The current bf I mean. It happened at the bar when we got back to town from a drive to drop a table off at my parents' house where he met my dad. I noticed him say it and didn't react to see what would happen. Luckily he didn't press or say anything about my non-response or reciprocation but it caused me to really think very hard about it for the next week or more.
    But I like what 'Mustang Sally' had to say about all of this. If he in fact does love you then he should love you where you are right now in your life. There shouldn't be a race to hit the next relationship milestone.

  11. It is very true that there shouldn't be a race to the next milestone. I feel badly for him though since he so wants us to be at that next level and I just don't know that I can -- or should -- go there.

  12. He needs to hear that and, more importantly, needs to accept that you've just gone through something pretty heavy in terms of ending a relationship. It's hard for some people to not understand that it takes time to get past something like that, to heal and to move toward the next thing in life. Though it's true some people can transition from one relationship to another quickly that doesn't mean we all can or do.

  13. Kat,
    I've been divorced just over a year and I know where you are coming from. Just too soon to commit. I also decided that I would never use the 'L' word until I could survive the ups and downs with that person. I am glad I didn't as I left my ex girlfriend a few weeks ago. However, she did meet my family as she pressured me into it. It was a bad mistake. Never introduced her to my son though, as that is my true heart.
    Jason needs to understand where you are coming from and stop pressuring you or find someone else.
    Luck, --Mike

  14. I cannot imagine telling a guy that I love him. Actually, I can't really imagine BEING in love again (though I'm confident that it will happen at some point). I agree that it will take a lot more than some laughs and good sex to get me to say that I love someone.
    I think Jason will be a great boyfriend to someone else.

  15. What a great and honest post. I just wish I had the "great sex" relationship, post divorce. But now, I'm passing on the "just sex" idea for the idea of "sex is great, but sex with someone I don't really care about, is about as *great* as masterbation." And while masterbation at the moment seems really boring to me, the idea of having sex with a woman I am not committed to seems like a waste of time.

    I get it. I understand how hunger for affection can drive us into relationships that we wouldn't normally see ourselves in. And, yes, I think sex can really fog up our compass. So Jason is digging you. Forgive him, he is being overwhelmed by the sex, even if his intentions were to keep his head above his heart at all times. He has failed.

    At this point, however, you may be failing him as well. As you KNOW he is not right for you, you might be moving into an imbalance that is more about gratification than a relationship. And the longer you stay in this tryst, the harder it is going to be for Jason.

    Just my 2 cents.

  16. I completely agree. I could've kept on seeing him, but I knew that wasn't fair to him in particular. See my next posts when I share the breakup details.
    And thank you for stopping by my blog!

  17. Hi Slu! Happy to have you on my crazy journey!

  18. hah...funny...the first two excerpts I've read on your blog and that are very relatable.
    I've been separated for 2 1/2 years and in my first real relationship with a man post-seperated I had the same scenario play out.
    I had to end it because I knew that I was holding him back from what he really wanted which was a devoted relationship with me. I was so not ready for that and told him from the beginning, but the chase was on. I knew he would resent me if I didn't tell him that I could never be his girlfriend and that I had to first be happy within myself before being in a loving relationship.
    I'm now dating someone that I'm crazy about and we've been taking it very slowly for the past several months. I try not to have expectations for the future and to enjoy the here and now. He feels the same way and it has taken a lot of the pressure off of being someones "girl". Instead I can just be me the girl who is enjoying what she has.

  19. HI Shannon -- Thanks for sharing your story! How awesome that you found a good guy who gets taking it slow. The next guy I date will need to be more patient with me. I mean, hell, I've never been newly divorced and dating, I don't know what to expect from me either!