Tuesday, March 4, 2014

It Sucks to Be Right When You Know You're Going to Get Dumped

Sometimes it really sucks to be right. Sometimes you really want to be wrong. That was me preparing for the end with Aaron.

Yet Again, My Gut Was Right

I had a gut feeling – you know, the one that is NEVER WRONG – that something had shifted with Aaron, the guy I was dating for a few weeks. Never one to hold back, after a couple of days I told him that I felt like he was pulling away. He insisted that it wasn’t so, blah blah. I was all, are you sure, just fill me in. He insisted things were cool.

I didn't really believe him.... but I sure wanted to.

As expected, for the next week, he sent me mixed signals. We all know that mixed signals are code for “I’m not really into this anymore but I don’t quite have the guts to admit it.” It hurt my feelings, you guys. I mean, not like my ex-husband telling me he wasn't attracted to me type of hurt feelings, but still kind of hurt. How did Aaron go from being so “Kat is awesome” to “Kat is whatevs”? 

So, I tested him. 

I asked last Tuesday if Aaron would like to come to happy hour on Friday. He gave me a kind of non-committal answer, the kind of answer you'd never give to someone you're really in to.

Friday morning, he sent me a cute, flirty “good morning!” text and then I didn’t hear from him again. I totally knew it would happen. But I didn’t let my disappointment spoil my night or my weekend. I had a great time with my friends and spent some quality time with my sister and her kids.

(And, yes, I was totally checking my phone all weekend to see if Aaron would shock me and get in touch. Nope.)

Time to Get Dumped, Just Like I Knew I Would

By Sunday, I revisited my How to Get Dumped tips and I called him up. Here's a rundown of the two-minute conversation: 
Me: Look, it’s fine that we are clearly no longer on the same page, but given how much we have shared with each other, I think we both know that you could have handled things better. [I stop talking. Let him talk.]
Him: Um, yeah well… I mean, I think things were starting to go too fast…
[Me, in my head: Are you f-ing serious? You gave me a Valentine's Day card -- I didn't give you one. You set the pace, man!]
Me: We’re both grownups. You could have said something. I gave you the opportunity to tell me and you did not take it.
Him: Uh. Yeah.
Me: Just keep this in mind when you’re dating in the future, OK?
[silence]
Me: OK, well I don’t want to belabor the point here. I wish you well and I’ll see you around town.

Pretty good, right? I didn’t let him off the hook too easily. I called him out for behaving badly, but I totally was mature and even-keeled about it. I guarantee that I will see him out at the bars, and at least I can feel like I stood up for myself a little bit, you know? 

Feeling Sorry for Myself -- But Only For A Moment

And then… I felt sad. Rejected. What the heck! Aaron and I were having fun! I met his friends! We cooked together! We had hot sex! Why didn’t he want me? And why didn't he have the balls to contact me?!

I cleaned my bathroom as I moped. Aren’t I cute? Aren’t I a catch? Aren’t I a decent lay? What happened? This sucks! I scrubbed the shower door harder.

Then, I straightened up. Aaron is one man out of the 3.5 BILLION men on the planet. His opinion of me is just one of many, and one that is not that important in the grand scheme of things. Why should I elevate him to be more than he is? I’ve certainly turned down some perfectly nice men – and hopefully those guys didn’t take my opinion to be any more important or impactful than it deserves.

It doesn’t matter why Aaron chickened out from dating me. I’m hoping to find a relationship, and I’m not going to apologize for that.

And isn't there something to be said for the fact that I knew this was all happening as it unfolded? I can -- and should -- still trust my instincts because, wow, they sure are spot on.

Most importantly, there is no way I was going to convince Aaron – or anyone else – to be with me. Anyone who loves and cares about me just does. (This is my new mantra.)

I felt a lot better. I am well loved. I don't need to waste energy thinking about someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to be with me. 

My bathroom sparkled. And you know what? I kind of do, too.

Who's been where I've been? Are you familiar with this feeling that you know something is wrong but you don't want to believe it?

See also: How to Break Up Like A Man, And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting.

17 comments:

  1. I love how you handled things, Kat. You just stepped past one more guy who was a distraction to finding the right one and got a sparkling bathroom. Looks like a win-win to me.

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  2. Better sooner than later, I say. It is too bad but I'm sure he's out there and you got to have some fun along the way. On a side note and I don't want to sound insensitive but next time, could you come clean MY bathrooms? Lol!

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  3. Totally know where you are coming from. Been single for ten years and it took a long time to get over the feeling of being rejected by my ex. I used to mull over what I did wrong. Then it hit me one day - I am a catch! It's there issue not mine. Stay happy and positive and you will attract the same.

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  4. And you know what's good? The first 3 weeks with Aaron were really fun. I'm excited to have that feeling stick with the right person.

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  5. It's so weird, I find cleaning very therapeutic. It's almost a bad sign when my apartment is really clean!! ;)
    As always, thanks for reading!

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  6. I had an instance last April where I had been going on dates with a guy for about 2 months (nearly 6 dates) and then, after meeting him and his roommate at a sports bar after work for a drink to watch the opening ball game of the season, he said he'd call me to get together later that week and.. no text, no call, no contact. Just.. nothing. It bothered me quite a lot until a friend told me "You're awesome; don't worry about him. Someone will appreciate you and will give you the respect of communication." I didn't realize anything was wrong until I didn't hear from him and I never did get an explanation via text or phone call. I sometimes hope I'll bump into him to have that awkward happenstance.


    I definitely had the "gut feeling" about something being wrong regarding my ex about 5-4 months before he asked for a separation but I ignored it.

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  7. I am so proud of you for just telling him like it is. Good job not letting him off the hook. I don't understand why people can't be more honest with each other. I always HATED playing games. It's dumb. You're not sparing my feelings by being coy, you're more likely hurting them more because I have no idea what you want!

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  8. That's so lame! She should've just called you! What the heck is wrong with people?!

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  9. I ignored my gut many times regarding my warning signs with my ex husband. :(

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  10. Thanks Marta. Ironically, Aaron told me early on that he wanted to date someone who doesn't play games! Little did he know that I'm incapable of playing games, and little did I know that he in fact was the kind of disingenuous one.

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  11. I think I also hate because I'm incapable of it as well!

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  12. April @ 100lbcountdownMarch 8, 2014 at 2:39 PM

    Wow, bold of you to call it quits. I would appreciate a girl like you... or in my case, a guy. I don't know if you didn't want to believe it. I think you were just cautious in making it known. It sounds like you trusted your instincts but didn't want to jump the gun in case something else was amiss. If you didn't want to believe it, you wouldn't have asked nor would you have called it off. You should not be embarrassed, rejected or whatnot. You are a strong woman and you broke it off with him. Thanks for sharing and linking up with Turn it Up Tuesdays.

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  13. Thanks April. It always stinks to know that someone doesn't want you, especially when you still want him! Thanks for your support and readership.

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  14. In my experience gut feelings are always right. Never understood why people cant just be honest with each other. Its hurts when you really care for someone and you know that something just isn't right..all the sudden that person isn't talking to you or acting different and when you ask them whats up sometimes they just wont give you an honest answer. Could of spared yourself the hurt if you just listened to your gut but some of us listen with our hearts. Its very hard to let go of a person you care about but if they aren't concerned about losing you than you need to let them go. It hurts like hell not having an answer to why when there was such a good connection...but you have to move on..as hard as it is. You have to accept that this person didn't want to be decent enough to just tell you the truth and in most cases its because the interest just isn't there anymore or they've found someone else.

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  15. I could've gotten hurt if I hadn't listened to my gut or let it drag out. Luckily I escaped with just some stinging and a slightly bruised ego.

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  16. I am seriously living this experience RIGHT NOW. It's eerie sometimes how I read something in here and it mirrors something in my life. Four weeks of greatness with a guy, then he just kind of slowly disappears without saying anything. I finally sent him an email today asking what was up - did he want to keep seeing me or not. Because I'm not playing the fade game after spending so much time together, he can work up the courage to tell me he's done.

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  17. Grrrr, i totally feel your pain! That is so annoying. Fading is one thing after just a week or two of dating (though I still say it's lame), but it's another when it's been a legitimate couple of weeks.

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