Sunday, September 15, 2013

Why Are People Calling Me Sexy?

I’m writing my first blog post from my brand new couch in my very own apartment!

I’ve been here 12 days and it’s starting to feel like home. Unpacking has been taking forever, as it always does, and I wouldn’t even consider myself a packrat. I have spent a disgusting amount of money at Target in pursuit of the perfect organization system in my new digs.

The past week has had me pondering a new word in my vocabulary: 

I started hearing this new word from men this year and it shocks me every time. I’m not saying I’m ugly; I think I’m a decent enough looking woman. I do exercise but you can tell that I’m far from a gym rat. I eat healthy but I’ve never met a Jersey bagel I didn’t like and yes, I would like more wine, thank you. I wear makeup and am girly, but I have definitely been in seen in public in sweats and my brother’s college baseball cap. Bottom line is that I do have confidence in myself as a person, which I think is at the core of being sexy. But, I’ve been all but sexually comatose since 2006 up until very recently. I really stunted my sexual growth, which has really hurt my confidence in myself as a sexual being. So hearing such a startling compliment this year has been deliciously surprising, confusing, but also flattering.

After years of being unscrewable (if you were to believe my husband), there’s a whole new vibe in the air around me. But how? and why?!

Hearing Sexy and Trying to Understand It

Back in January when I was dating Todd, he told me I was sexy several times. He did it in such a classy way, as if he were stating an obvious and undeniable fact.

My reaction: OK, he’s a 36-year-old man, he’s got the confidence to use such a bold adjective.

Then I was hooking up with the 26 Year Old off and on since February. (By the way, I hadn’t heard from him since July then he texted me last weekend to say hello! OK…) We were definitely not dating, just using each other. He told me I was sexy all the time – over text, while naked, while dressed, you name it. Or, as a 26-year-old would text it, “Sexxxaaaaaay.”

My reaction: OK, he’s younger, he is turned on by being with a slightly older woman. I’m probably more confident than say, a 24-year-old. And he’s totally a boob man and I got boobs.

Then I started playing with dating through OKCupid.

David, who I went out with a few times and smooched a little, loved to tell me what a great body I had and that I was sexy (though not with the confidence that Todd had). I was like, "yeah um OK" and proceeded to turn bright red. Once I started dating Jason, I told David thanks but no thanks to dating. Well, last Sunday afternoon, David texted me; it had been two weeks since I told him I wasn’t interested in him. He asked if I'd moved and how I was doing. Harmless, right?

Check out this convo, and yes, please laugh at how dense I am:

My reaction: OK, he must want to meet for coffee because that is a casual encounter. How brave of him to ask!

I read this to several people, including my 65-year-old mother, who all knew exactly what David meant. In fact Mom was howling with laughter at my saying I was "truly flattered" by this pathetically awkward attempt to bed me. 

David and I only kissed a few times and he didn’t know why I got divorced. Why on earth did he think I’d want a “casual encounter” with him?! Aside from showing how dumb I can be about a guy’s sexual advances, this weird convo furthers this idea of some vibe I’m putting out there, that I've got some sex appeal. Interesting.

Then there’s Jason. Ahhh, Jason. He’s so sweet, he thinks I’m wonderful, and as he puts it, “Kat, you’re so sexy I can’t stand it! Like it makes me mad!” Now, Jason saying I’m sexy does make sense because we do in fact have absolutely amazing sex. I’ve been getting truly reawakened and learning about myself as a sexual being with him. So, yes, he would, could, and SHOULD think I’m sexy.

One last example actually prompted this entry. Yesterday morning after my 10 mile run, my face was tomato red, my hair was frizzing everywhere, and my black shirt was covered in wipes of snot and salt. I was walking back to my apartment while tweeting about my hickie [WTF, thanks Jason!], some dude walking by me goes, “Sexy!” I look up all confused and say, “huh?” He says, “THAT sexy! Damn, you married?” I replied, “Thank you, and yes.”

My reaction: Wow, no one, and I mean no one, told me I was sexy the entire time I was with Max. 

Now, just in the months since I filed for divorce and then ended my marriage, I’ve gotten this compliment more times than I had in my entire life.

I'm Sexy and I'm (trying to) Know it

So why am I sharing this recent barrage of "sexy" comments with you? Because this is an important step in my post-Max dating and sex life. After overcoming terrible self-image in my late teens to mid 20s, I came to accept my appearance. For example, I will never have toned arms, but I like my small waist and strong legs. What I completely skipped over was believing that I’m sexy, which is a whole other level of self acceptance and self love.

Before Max, I had plenty of one-night stands. We all know how those go – super fun and hot in the moment followed by the day-after hangover of regret and ick. It doesn’t take a sexy girl to have a one-night stand. Judging from some of the dudes I slept with, pretty much anyone can have one if he or she wants to. I think those trysts were my misguided attempts to feel sexy.

While I was with Max, I usually felt pretty, but rarely – and eventually never – desired. The notion of being sexy completely eluded me.

Now, I’m truly, completely single. I haven’t seen or spoken to Max in 10 days. I’m back to being on my own, getting rid of bugs and putting stuff on high shelves. Yesterday I ran 10 miles, the longest I’ve ever run as I prepare for my first half marathon. I’m having honest, hot sex with Jason, and I’m loving being on top. I'm in a good, solid place in my life (especially considering the heartbroken wreck I was a year ago). 

So you know what? These random men are right. I AM SEXY. While I don’t entirely know why I am, I must be. The next step of my post-divorce healing is owning, accepting, and never questioning my sexiness again.

Did you have trouble regaining sexual confidence after your breakup?


  1. You go girl!! I noticed the same about myself, but it's the way I feel more than the way others see me. I move in a different way, I look at myself in the mirror and say 'damn, i'm sexy!' I feel desired and good with my own body. I try to recall when was the last time I felt like this with my X.
    You must have an aura around you now. You also must feel sexy, too - maybe you don't know it yet - and that's why others see you like this too, And hot, steamy sex helps with that :)

  2. I'm working on getting to feel and believe that I'm sexy. Hearing it so much is starting to make it sink in though. I want to get to where you are, where I can just look in the mirror sometimes and think, damn I'm fine!

  3. It's amazing how self-confidence will bring them in like flies.

  4. Good call, I think it's something that I'll need to work on accepting. I've been trying to look at myself naked more often and not criticize my reflection.
    Obviously some days, you just feel gross and that's that. But there should be plenty of days you feel at least somewhat hot!

  5. Love that you know you're Sexy! Here's to never questioning it again :)

  6. It's a sad day when your mom recognizes a booty call faster than you do.

  7. I lost 25 pounds a few years ago, and I still feel like I have a little bit of body dysmorphic, so I can't imagine what a huge change you've gone through with your body image.

    Oh if David ever has the gall to contact me again, I will definitely be ignoring him or telling him to buzz off. Double gross!

  8. and how weird that we only feel like that when we split with our husbands or long time boyfriends!

  9. Lol you know it's funny - a piece of this blog reminded me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother. I don't know if you watch it, but Robin was a single woman in NYC and was used to getting free things and treated like the sexy beast she was. But once she got engaged to Barney, it all magically disappeared. They wrote it as the ring she wore made her invisible. It's like guys KNOW when you're single. You probably carry yourself different. It's something guys can pick up on. Anyway, I've never had sex appeal and reject the notion of it. I don't believe I am sexy and it's impossible for me to accept that compliment. It would have to be bashed into my skull a thousand times before I ever accepted it. My self esteem is in the toilet lol. And you know, today while I was giving blood at the local bank, the phlebotomist was a guy my age that looked kind of cute. He looked like he wanted to chat it up with me, but I completely shut him out by reading my phone (a book). He even stood there the entire time I was giving blood because they weren't busy, but I never chatted him up. I could have, and I thought about it, but I'm just not "chatty". I'm introverted, hate small talk, and am very shy. I also don't think any guy would ever be interested in me. I just gave off that air that I wasn't interested, you know? I know, I'm messed up :P

  10. So here's a guy perspective: sexy (at least to me) is often about a look and an attitude. I frequently talk about this chemistry called "sass" which is a magical blend of flirtation, intelligence and humor. If you combine that with physical attraction (and more importantly physical chemistry) it goes from sexy to stunning...

    Enjoy your sexiness :)

  11. I agree that sexy isn't just one thing... there's multiple parts to it, and personality is definitely a factor. And thanks for the guy perspective!

  12. Anytime. I'm glad you're you're feeling your mojo. xoxo.