Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dyeing My Hair Pink and Reviving the Incredible Sex

Sowing My Wild Oats

Nine years ago this month, I got so drunk that I blacked out and had sex with a stranger. 

I woke up the next morning and he was gone (what was his name?). My apartment was an incriminating, disgusting mess with the telltale signs of my booze-filled romp. Miraculously, I hadn’t been mugged or killed. I had a raging hangover and was late for work.

I was ashamed of myself.

It wasn’t the first time I’d done something that reckless and irresponsible. For all the ways that I was living a very conscientious, calculated, and careful life, I would sometimes almost rebel against my own good judgment with a night of boozing and screwing.

That literally unmemorable night occurred a week or two before my 25th birthday. I decided it was time to clean up my act and start dating the kind of guy who had the potential to meet my parents. Yeah, my standards were that low that I needed to actually declare this intention for my quarter-century birthday.

And what do you know? Max and I got together the night of my 25th birthday party.

Putting Away My Oats 

Max was so sweet, so clean cut. He was smart, articulate, and a major rule follower. Again, not that I was some rebel living on the edge of society, but I certainly had my share of stories that starred Kat the Bad Decision Maker. Max didn’t have those. I felt safe with him, but I also felt I needed to behave myself.

I wanted to be a grownup, one who was good enough for Max. He was super conservative in how he conducted himself. Maybe he was a little square for me, but maybe that was good for me. I told myself that I’d met the right man at the right time so I’d cut it out with those idiotic blackout nights and get myself on track with the perfect guy to meet my parents. 

I used to say about us, “Some people need to sow their wild oats before they can settle down. I had to sow my oats.  Max has no oats!"

I used to smoke cigarettes in my teens, and in my 20s I only smoked once in awhile when -- you guessed it! -- drunk. Max hated smoking, so I promised him I’d stop (and I did). Needless to say, he’d never touched pot (he lied to me initially and said he had and later admitted he’d never smoked anything), so I promised him I’d stop (and I did).

As time passed, I still hung out with my friends and all that, but I toned myself down. Maybe it was my getting older, but honestly, I think I just didn’t want to feel judged by the man I loved so much. If Max was with me at a bar, we always left earlier than I actually wanted to. Not that I had many opportunities to smoke pot, but I declined.

I wanted to be a good girl, which included being very tame in the bedroom -- even though I wanted to be "a lady in the street but a freak in the bed," in the wise words of Usher. Max wouldn’t share anything about what he wanted sexually. I quickly learned that expressing my likes and dislikes made Max rather uncomfortable, so I mostly stayed silent – which eventually became a theme of our relationship.

Sowing Some New Oats

Fast forward to 2013.

Kat is truly, truly, truly outrageous!
This weekend, finally tried out a look I’ve been dying to try – I had two streaks of Jem-pink hair dye applied. When my hair is down, you don’t really see it, but when it’s up, it’s very obvious. It reminds me of playing with Manic Panic hair dye like Angela Chase in the early-mid 1990s, when I dabbled with purple, pink, and blue. (Blue was a bad idea. It looked great for a week or two then turned grey.)  It's just a bit badass -- but still acceptable for my corporate job -- and I absolutely love it.

When my wonderfully gay hairdresser revealed his work, two thoughts came to mind:
  1. Max would hate this look. 
  2. Jason would love this look. Yes, Mr. Incredible Sex himself.

So… yeah. Jason came over. (He loved my hair.) I promised I would tell you if I went back for more Incredible Sex, and I have. It’s actually been really nice because I get some attention from Jason, I get off, and then he leaves. No sleepovers, no telling me he loves me, no baking brownies. Oddly, given our history, it’s remarkably uncomplicated; we’re friendly so even though we really are using each other, it’s fun. We openly have said that this once-in-awhile thing can only work until one of us starts dating someone else, then it’s off, no questions asked. Works for me, but I know most of my friends will not approve. 

[This is the point where the worried/disapproving friends will start texting me, "Kat! Jason?! WTF!!!"]

Awkward selfie!
Tonight, Jason smoked some pot out the window that faces the apartment building I lived in when I had that awful blackout sex night. I marveled at how much things seemed to have come full circle. I live alone. I’m having casual sex with a guy who will never meet my parents. I’m around pot again. My hair has pink streaks like it did in 1996 (except now I paid $90 for it and back then I applied it myself with an old toothbrush).

But, here’s the difference. I’m not 24 years old. I now have nine years of living and crying and dreaming and loving, so I’m not the same person, even if I’m kind of reverting back to some of the old behaviors from before my marriage. My life just got too damn serious with Max in general and as the marriage fell apart, and then even more so as we had to do grownup shit like mediation and selling a condo. I think I have earned it to act a little stupid – but in ways that still allow me to respect myself in the morning. 

And my hair is so awesome.

After your divorce, did you find yourself reverting back to old behaviors? Any regrets about how you acted?

See also: In Favor of Casual Sex.
I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop


  1. Nearly 30 years ago now, I woke up next to this very disheveled looking fellow and couldn't for the life of me remember how he got there. Fortunately we both had our clothes on, so I guess he just followed me to my dorm room and passed out. It was rather an unsettling experience!

  2. Ha, at least you had your clothes on! Sadly, I had it happen more than once that I woke up naked and hungover with little memory of how the hell I got that way. I NEVER want that to happen again. It's just awful.

  3. After my divorce I found myself completely lost as to who I was. I had molded myself to be what my ex had wanted; after being with him for 11 years (18-29) I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, what I liked, etc. It sucked for a while but I've learned quite a bit about myself and feel more true to myself now than ever before.
    I smoked cigarettes in high school and the ex got me to quit and I didn't smoke for about 11 years... until I picked it up again this summer though I quit again at the end of October (smoking + consistently subzero temps don't mix). The boyfriend doesn't smoke cigarettes but will smoke weed sometimes. He offers me if I'm at his place; sometimes I partake but usually I don't.
    I do feel a little bit guilty/disappointed with how, uhm, trampy I behaved between last September and when I started seeing my boyfriend. After my separation a good [male] friend of mine told me "do whatever you want - be a ball-draining slut if you want or don't. You're free to experience single life. Enjoy it!" So I did. I don't regret it because it was a culmination of experiences I missed out on while I was with my ex (dating, one-nighters, general debauchery).

  4. I've been going out more when I have the kids, drinking, dancing, flirting. Making bad decisions with men (okay, just one man so far).

    It's been fun, but I wonder how long it will last!

  5. Let's just enjoy our fun while we're having it!

  6. I think we need to not feel guilty about some of that post-divorce craziness. It needed to happen after being stifled by our marriages. Here's to having fun and learning as we go!

  7. I like you Kat... you are very honest... but why no pics??? you have quickly gone on my favs list!!

  8. Love this post, Kat! It is so brutally honest, and so necessary. When I got my divorce, I had the happiest 8 months of my life - being reckless, without a thought for anyone or anything in the world. I wanted to live my life for me. I was 18 when we got married and we got divorced when I was 25. It just seemed like I had lost my best years!

    Fast forward, 5 years later - I am a single, working mom to my 2-year old son, working my butt off to make everything work. I am happier than I've been in a long time.

    Everyone needs to go through that phase of being wild again and finding themselves - it's a necessary phase. Have tons of fun!

    Thanks so much for sharing on Turn It Up Tuesday! Love, love, this post - make sure to stop by and link up some more juicy posts! :)

  9. Thanks Suzanne! I made a deal with Max when I started this blog that I wouldn't use my real name or put in any photos of us, But, I can certain get a photo of my hair on here without the world knowing it's me! I will update this post. :)

  10. Thanks Natasha! I think a lot of people must need a little time to be stupid after divorce, which is a luxury that single parents probably don't have. I'm glad to have this time to do my thing like you did.
    Have a great holiday!!

  11. This is certainly insightful and yet another perspective on how color impacts and represents us. Lots of people like pink hair because it reflects a more youthful side of themselves.

  12. That is so interesting, thank you for sharing that link!

  13. I always get a kick out of your stories, Kat! You live, you learn, and you share. Thanks for linking up to Traffic Jam Weekend!

  14. Thank you for stopping by Kimberly!