Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Why Do Guys Who Dumped Me Come Back to Apologize?

As I look back on my dating experiences in 2014, I have discovered a theme: 

I acted too hastily. I’m sorry.
I was selfish. I’m sorry.
I regret letting it end like that. I’m sorry.

No, I'm not the one apologizing -- it's the dudes I've dated. I have had it up to my ass with I’m sorry!

I have been single for less than two years, and only really been dating for one, but I think it’s safe to say I am back in the dating game. I’ve gone out with all kinds of kinds, from the vegan who didn’t drink to the former Navy man to the pot smoking bartender. I’ve gone out with guys seven years younger to 10 years older.

Here is what I don’t get: 
Why do guys keep coming back to apologize?

Andrew probably didn't expect my response. Tough noogies.
(His misuse of "literally" is so not hot.)
In the past year, Todd, John, Aaron, one of the 27-year-olds, and just on Saturday, Andrew have all come back around to apologize for their unique versions of ditching me.

(If you’re keeping track, Carl is the only one who has not. But I told him that he hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid, so he avoids eye contact with me now. I probably won’t be getting a late night text apology any time soon!)

Somewhere between a few weeks and few months after The End, my phone has chirped to reveal an out-of-the-blue text message, usually from a contact who I’ve deleted from my phone, saying "blah blah I’m sorry."

Sometimes they wanted another chance to date me, sometimes they just wanted to clear their conscience. And who knows, maybe some of them just wanted to get in my pants.

None of the breakups/male disappearances were all that dramatic. I never shed one tear over any of them. When shit ended, I might’ve expressed disappointment (if I even had the opportunity), but that is about it. My point is, certainly no guy I’ve dated since my divorce ever walked away from me thinking he’d broken my heart or scarred me for life or turned me into a bunny boiler.

So there’s me, gaping at my phone. 

An apology, after all this time…
do I even care?

Fine, I admit it. My ego loves the apologies. I’m like, hells yeah, you realize that I am kind of awesome and now you’re missing out!

The downside is that I’m often tempted to recycle, and recycling DOES NOT WORK! I know this. You know this. And yet I sometimes try again (see: Todd; John; and most recently Aaron). By the way, recycling for sex/booty call purposes is different and totally acceptable (see: Jason).

Again, I’ve only really been dating for about a year, but I feel like this is an abnormal amount of apologies. Do you agree?

But, the more mystifying question is just why these dudes apologize to me? 

No one has really owed me much of an apology – like no guy has been guilty of more than being an idiot with me. Do their apologies say something solid about my character, that they want to win back my respect? or do I remind them of their guilty-dishing mothers? Or maybe I’m just good enough in the sack that they want to take a shot? (Not that I slept with all of the apology distributors, but they could use their imaginations based on the data they collected.)

What is your experience with former flames apologizing?  And can you shed any light on my experience?!


  1. In my past experiences, guy have radar for when you're interested in or dating someone else. I don't know how they do it...but they just know when you've moved on. I'm with you...the apologies are a huge ego boost. You're a catch and if they walked away from that....bye, won't miss you!

  2. Interesting. I don't do any of that crap via a text. I have gotten post-breakup texts from an ex-girlfriend that were kinda disturbing. She was kinda weird so I guess it makes sense - I won't get into details but after 2 months I figured we weren't a good fit. Plus I was going through a lot of my own sh&$ and said sorry I really have to work on myself first before I date. Which I did do for several months, so i wasn't BSing.
    Okay, I am rambling now....
    Dating is a pain in the butt in my opinion though.

  3. That is so true, like something in universe makes them know! Thank you for your kind words. As my brother has said to me, I should never have to convince anyone to be with me. He will want me the way I am.

  4. Mike, you sound like a grownup, which is probably why you don't do that crap via texting!! As always, thank you for reading and sharing your perspective. You're getting a peek into how women's minds work!

  5. My ex has apparently never ever done anything wrong. Hence, no apology. You're right though - it's kind of a big red lightbulb that says - hey - move on.

  6. Must be awesome to never do anything wrong!!

  7. Divorce can be a hard thing. Getting back into the dating game can be a lot harder. I don't know why guys would act like that though! Maybe it's all part of their intricate plan. http://www.progressivemediation.net