Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I Got Optimistic About A Guy. Now I Feel Stupid.

I feel like this, but I don't look as cute.
It’s not often that I feel embarrassed, and I’m embarrassed now. In fact, I almost didn’t write this blog entry and I even considered deleting last week’s entry (that must be against some blogging law).

But, I share everything with you, my beloved readers, from my finest characteristics to my sometimes questionable taste in sexual partners. Hell, you even know that I stopped grooming so I'd find me a boyfriend. I've never held back before, why start now?

So, on with the story about John, the guy about whom I wrote lovely things last week.

Last Tuesday, I’d had a terrible day and was feeling kind of sorry for myself. I was going to head to my usual Spinning class, but John and I were texting anyway so… I boldly asked if he would like to meet for happy hour. He said yes. My mood brightened immediately. We spent almost three hours together, talking about everything from work to dating to 80s movies. He told me where he wanted to take me to dinner after my trip to Viriginia (I was going to visit my brother and run the George Washington Parkway Classic). I insisted on paying the bill since I invited him out. He was surprised and appreciative. Again, it was great being with him.

In the parking lot, we said goodbye, and then we start kissing. Then the kissing got more intense. Then he had me leaning against my car. Hands were wandering (but not TOO wandering). This went on for probably 15 minutes. You guys, it was HOT. And I was so excited because this is the guy who was concerned about being “too square” for me – this was not square at all!

I drove home smiling. I had intelligent, quality conversation with a cute guy and then got just a bit inappropriately touchy feely in the parking lot. YES. This is what I want in a boyfriend!

Wednesday comes and I don’t hear anything. I texted him after book club to show him the dessert I made (he has a big sweet tooth). Half an hour later he responded saying “nice!”

Then, the feeling kicked in… you know, that feeling.

On Friday, I texted him to say hello from my Washington DC-bound bus. He took awhile to reply. So, I went for it:
Me: I hate to do this over text but is everything ok?
Him: Had a rough end of work week, it’s a long story but have to figure some things out, driving to my parents’ now to talk things thru
Me: I’m sorry to hear that. I hope everyone is ok. If you want to talk, give me a call – I owe you after all the listening you did on Tuesday!
Today is Tuesday, a week since I last saw John. I still have not heard from him and I certainly can’t contact him now. When he didn’t even wish me good luck for my race (running is how we reconnected), I was like, SHIT. I’m so confused! And damn, my ego hurts something fierce.

Did our parking lot makeout session ignite a Madonna-whore complex? Did something really happen to him last week or was he just blowing me off? Did the lack of chase turn him away? He is turning into a ghost?!

My feelings are hurt and that sucks. I truly didn’t expect this blow off to happen -- again!! -- and furthermore I'm totally irritated that it bothers me this much. I thought John contacting me was a sign that we might finally get our chance to date. I feel stupid that I was so hopeful, and after only two dates. I feel embarrassed by my premature optimism and his completely mysterious rejection. He knows (knew?) me enough to know how much this kind of treatment would bother me. And he is doing it anyway.

(To make matters worse, I am finding myself wanting to go back to unemotional, just for the hookup arrangements. I totally know why – it’s my desire to protect my heart while chasing a Batteries Not Required orgasm. I haven’t given in to those urges… yet.)

See Why Silence Makes Me Scream to find out why he disappeared.

When was the last time the dating rug was pulled out from under you?


  1. A part of me wants to say, don't count him out yet. But the bigger part of me is saying that "he's just not into you" because any guy that is would make a ton more effort. I'm sorry. :(

  2. Yes, and yes. So freaking weird though, right?!

  3. Thanks Mike, I always appreciate getting the male perspective!
    I agree, *if* something really is going on with work or whatever, he could need a little space. But still, I had the impression that he's the kind of guy who would have given me a heads up or something. He's got like one more day in my mind to contact me -- with a good reason, of course -- and then I'm done. Re-delete his phone number!

  4. a year ago. i went on this really bad date. and then i went to pappadeaux's afterward to bitch about the badness to my bartending friends. one of them asked me which guy, currently seated at said bar, i would talk to. i looked. and there weren't any. not really. she insisted that i had to pick one. and there was this blond dude in an electric blue button-down shirt who seemed nice enough.

    eventually we started talking. he bought me drinks. we ended up making out in the parking lot for like an hour afterward. i went to my place. he went to his. he took me to breakfast the next day. and then for coffee. and then for lunch. and then for wine. so we spent a really nice day together. and then he disappeared.

    and this is because i was stupid and got giddy. giddy is bad. giddy is VERY, VERY bad. and this is probably why your guy hasn't really spoken to you sense. because he is, ultimately, not a nice dude. and because you, unfortunately, got your hopes up.

  5. Giddy is risky. I think it makes your guard all but disappear. I will have to be more careful and that is just a shame.

  6. yeah. because giddy is also lovely. :] glorious, really.

    but the boys, they can't handle giddy.

  7. Oh god. I think I've just had an explanation for a similar experience a few weeks back. Giddy! Date was great. First date. Laughed all evening. He suggested meeting the following week, took my hand back to the station and we kissed. Text to make sure I got home ok. I text the next day to say thanks again and confirm second date then nothing ever since! I got really weirded out and it really dented my confidence as I fancied him and felt it was reciprocal...

  8. Last year around this time I had gone out a few times with a guy. We met up for a drink and at the end of the first date he asked if he could see me on Friday (2 days later). I was giddy with each date that we had (bowling, trivia night, ball game) but on the last time I saw him he said he'd call later in the week so we could work out our next date.. and I never heard from him. Texts & calls were not returned. I was super bummed after that and became weary of getting excited about guys. It actually took a few months to shake off the feelings of disappointment and feelings of rejection.

  9. Don't stop being giddy. I was giddy on my first date with my husband, and we've barely parted for more than a night since our first date. Put yourself out there. Take some risks (I don't mean scary risks, I mean like trying someone you wouldn't have thought you'd be attracted to). And most importantly - be you. Even if that means giddy.

    But it might take a while. Keep your battery operated friend handy so you don't get too frustrated in the process.

  10. Ugh, I hate hate hate that feeling :-/ It's almost like you're mad at yourself for having the audacity to get your hopes up. I think at this point it's hard to know what's really going on. He could be "just not that into you" or he could have legit issues going on or he could be a total asshole that's good at acting like a decent human. Don't get yourself down for getting excited about the potential relationship-- those are normal feelings and make perfect sense.

    I hope you get some closure from this guy, one way or another.

  11. My pride is healing, so I will put myself out there again, I promise!

  12. What the heck!! Why do so many women I know have stories like this? Do men have these stories as well?

  13. I got the scoop... legit issues going on. But I had to contact him to find that out?! Hello, communication is the key to any good relationship, and clearly he just isn't good enough at it.

  14. Good for you for getting the scoop. And for deciding to cut him off. That's the part I'm SO bad at!

  15. Oh me too. I'm always wanting to keep them around... you know, just in case. I'm like a packrat when it comes to men.

  16. Don @ HowYouCanFindLoveApril 29, 2014 at 7:40 PM

    I don't think his "distantness" has much to do with you. Odds are the issue is job/family/life related and he just needs time to sort things out. Most guys need time to get away to figure things out. Granted, he could have been more open with you, but seeing that he is "square" he might keep things close to the vest as they say. As time goes on, he will open up more, but you just aren't there yet with him. That's not a knock on you, it's who he is. I know for me, it takes me time to "warm up" to people and let them in.

  17. Yup, it wasn't about me but... too little too late. :(

  18. I am a 35 yr old mother of two. I have been divorced since January. I started dating an amazing guy in April. He is calm and mellow, supportive, kind, patient. Everything I wanted in a man. He met my sons after a few months of dating and has been a part of their lives. He is not from the town that I am from and I was always afraid that he would leave, since he was only here for his job. He assured me that thus wasn't the case. We were not only lovers her best friends. We talked about plans for the future, he looked at houses to purchase.

    About 2.5 weeks ago my bf blindsided me and told me he was moving. That he loves me but something is telling him that he needs to be near family. He was crying and emotional when he told me. We've had limited contact since then, which kills me. He got a job and is leaving next week.

    At first I was completely shocked. We didn't have a fight, didn't grow apart, everything was fine. My bf is 33, never married, no kids. All of his long term relationships have been long distance. I asked him if our commitment was too much and he said no.

    I know that his leaving is not a reflection of me. I truly believe that he loved and does love me. But I think I have to chalk this up to commitment issues. He is 33, never married, no kids, all of his long-term relationships have been long distance. I wish that dating came with a cheat sheet...that you could look ahead to see what the end result was going to be. This break-up was 100 times worse than my divorce.