How Do You Cross the Gap From "Dating" to "Relationship"? (Answer: I have no clue.)

I’m really good at first and second dates. Hell, I’m pretty solid on the third date, upon the rare occasion that I have one. I know just enough about current events and sports headlines so I make conversation easy for both of us. I will wear a feminine outfit but I still leave something to the imagination. I smile and laugh just enough without seeming like a bimbo. I’ll totally kiss you but I won’t invite you in.

Fast forward past the awkwardness of meeting each other's best friend and farting in front of each other for the first time....

I’m really good at being a long-term girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I get along with (most) people so you can bring me to family functions or your best friend’s wedding and I’ll be fine. I’ll email your mom. I’ll surprise you with your favorite cookie or a card for no reason. I’ll remind you to get a physical and I will totally understand how stressful playoff football can be.

I’m really not good at the post-first dates but pre-relationship gap. 

On this side I can have first dates and no strings attached sex.
On that side I could get my feelings hurt.
Tough choice.

It’s this thrilling and terrible place where you’re getting genuinely excited about the person you’re seeing while also starting to get more comfortable with him. You start having sex. You might start meeting each other’s friends. Things are uncertain – this seemingly great guy could just disappear (trust me, this BS happens) or we could fall in love someday.

In other words, it’s official: you like this guy (yay!), so your feelings could get hurt (shit!).

The gap is a scary place to be.

I Got Dumped the Last Time I Was in the Gap

In my 17 months of dating since my divorce, I have only gotten into the gap one other time, almost exactly a year ago with Aaron.

We dated for a few weeks. We went out, we stayed in. We laughed a lot. We started sleeping together; it was a very strange experience to have sex with someone I actually liked. Just as we were slipping into the gap, he started losing interest in me or he saw something shiny that he liked more or whatever. Eventually, I had to make him dump me.

I was pretty disappointed at the time, but interestingly I never cried over him. I thought there was Boyfriend Potential there, at least for a couple of months. But of course in hindsight I realize that as sweet and cute and hot in bed as Aaron was, he was just wasn’t it. After that letdown, I took a nice long break from dating to lick my wounds. (I’m a big believer in the post-rejection hiatus from dating.)

Ever since, it's just been casual or only a couple of dates here and there, until I met Ryan in November.

Tumbling into the Gap with Ryan

Ryan (the 44-year-old with no relationship history) and I have been seeing each other for a month but talking for about two months.

In his low key but genuine way, Ryan has made it clear that he likes me, all of me, from my curly hair to my love for my book club to my ability to easily orgasm. We have mutually agreed to monogamy. But, as of the last week or so, as I am realizing that I actually like this guy, I’m getting so insecure (and being mindful to hide it).

It seems illogical to get insecure now. We had a fantastic date on Friday – a romantic dinner, followed by fun drinks at our favorite Irish pub, and concluded with some amazing sex and then falling asleep in each other’s arms. Ahhhh! Awesome. Yesterday, he came over for dinner. I attempted to make Boy Food, which is a little hard for my health-conscious vegetarian cooking. But I came through with macaroni and cheese with a side of roasted broccoli. Then, yeah, more sex. Woohoo!

Shit, I realized on Friday night, I'm back in the gap.

The gap turns me into this neurotic, over analyzing shell of myself. The good news is that I’m able to mostly keep her hidden. But damn does she make me feel nuts!

Plotting My Escape From the Gap

So yeah, the gap scares me and renders me totally annoying. I don’t like it there, even though it could be just part of my journey to finding love again.

Today, when Ryan didn’t text me (he always texts me!), my head was ready to explode as it filled with self doubt. Meanwhile, the 23-year-old texted me (“Want to fool around?” No subtleties there!). Then, one of the hottest guys to EVER show interest in me finally got around to texting me over the weekend and then asked me out today. Yes, both today, and when I hadn’t heard from Ryan.

I could avoid the possibility of getting hurt entirely by accepting the fuck date or the dinner date. Or both...!

I admit that I was tempted. I’m good at being a first date or a fuck buddy – both have lots of laughing and little to no emotional risk.

But wait. What the fuck am I thinking?

Is the risk of getting hurt more powerful than the possibility of finding love? I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to always hope for the best, which means seeking love from platonic and romantic relationships, and, yes, risking getting hurt. 

Based on what I know so far, Ryan is the best match for me of any guy I have dated since my divorce. Hell, based on what I know so far, Ryan is a better match for me than my ex-husband.

I’m not going to chicken out and fuck this up for no good reason. I declined both offers.

I am going to tolerate my quiet hysteria in the gap with the hope that Ryan and I might cross over into Relationship territory. If he is the right match for me and vice versa, we will pass through the gap together. If Ryan (or whoever) is not the right person for me, the sooner that can be revealed to me, the better for both of us, and back I go to being a great first date.

Whew. Did you like the pep talk I just gave myself? And can you please say it back to me the next time I'm being an insecure idiot?!

(By the way, while I was writing this, Ryan texted me.)

Your turn, dear reader! Does my reaction to the gap sound familiar to you or completely nuts? Have you ever considered a little self-sabotage to avoid getting hurt? 

Men's Divorce Interviews Me Even Though I'm Not A Man!

I was checking out Men's Divorce, a resource tailored to men's questions and issues surrounding divorce. Long story short, I connected with the editor, and we thought it could be interesting and useful to share my story as an ex-wife with the Men's Divorce readers.

The editor focused on Max's and my efforts to keep our split amicable, from our choice to use mediators to figuring out how to peacefully cohabitate for months as we waited for our condo to sell.

Check out the interview on Men's Divorce!

In the Dating World, Which is Worse: "Divorced" or "Single and Never Married"?

I used to fear that my “Divorced” label would make people – especially potential suitors – judge me. Commitment issues. Baggage. Damaged goods.

Recently I have been wondering about the implications of the “Single and Never Married” label. Commitment issues? Baggage? Unemotional psycho?

Yes. This. Always!
...but, can you be too single? 

This is weighing on my mind because of the new guy I’m seeing. Here’s the scoop.

I met Ryan in early November at a happy hour with a mutual friend. He was in town making final arrangements for his cross-country move back to Ford. (We had actually lived in Ford at the same time several years ago.) We hit it off so he got my number. Over the next three or four weeks while he packed up his life out West, we texted a little, and then more and more. By the time he arrived back in Ford in early December, we were in contact daily.

A few days after his return, Ryan and I met for drinks; he was cuter than I remembered. Yes! Next date was dinner, complete with him picking me up, opening the car door for me, and ordering for both of us. For our next date, he came over for takeout and a movie, which obviously led to some making out. He CALLED ME (did you know that people still do that?) on Christmas Day, just to wish me a merry Christmas. We have hung out several more times – including New Year’s Eve and my small post-birthday gathering.

Sidenote: I’m 35 now. A grownup in her mid-30s. WTF. Moving on!

Ryan meets all four of the basic criteria for dating me:

1. He is college educated.
2. He makes as much or more money than I do. 
3. He’s nine years older than me.
4. He lives alone.

But there's more!

Conversation is natural and genuine. He likes to write!! He is totally a grownup with a real job and a nice apartment but he also likes to smoke a little weed here and there. (This combination is hard to find and I'm a huge fan.) I like how he dresses and he wears cool glasses. He remembers everything I say, including dumb shit like my love for The Bachelorette. He gets along well with his family, including his sisters. The physical chemistry is hot; I know this is important to anyone, but it’s crucial for me to uncover as soon as possible based on the demise of my marriage.

Yes, so far, things are pretty… normal, and I mean that in the very best way! Things with Ryan are just relaxed and enjoyable. I must say, it’s exciting and fun and scary to actually like a guy again. I’m not seeing anyone else. Last time this happened was with Aaron a year ago!

But here’s the thing you guys… Ryan is 44-years-old and has the Single and Never Married label. It seems he hasn’t even had a big relationship! Fair or not, his lack of relationship history raises eyebrows.

Could this be why a person is perpetually single?

Part of me finds his lack of relationship experience very appealing. We are on the same page that being single is not bad – in fact, it can be terrific if you’re at peace with your life and choices. I like that he isn’t one of those people who needs to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. (After all, I have only really had two boyfriends in my life: the guy I lost my virginity to in 1998 and then my ex-husband, who I started dating in 2005.) Presumably, Ryan has less baggage so there are fewer ghosts of ex-girlfriends for me to battle.

On the other hand, I find his lack of relationship experience a little disconcerting. I’m all for being independent and not “needing” a relationship, but what about choosing to be brave enough to have your heart open? What about experiencing the terrifying thrill of being vulnerable to the person you love? Does he know what it’s like to have sex with someone you love so much that you feel like you could just burst? Does he know how to stay by a woman's side for more than a couple of weeks or months?

Then, I think of my ex-husband, who might be in the dating world. Max is attractive, smart, has a real job, and, OK, he has the Divorced label. Otherwise, he seems like quite a catch. Max is a catch… if you aren’t into physical or emotional intimacy. 

Superficially speaking, Max could seem like a better potential boyfriend than Ryan, but you and I both know how very wrong Max ended up being for me.

What do you think, dear reader? Is assuming commitment or other dating issues from the Single and Never Married person any more justified than from the Divorced person?

Is it a red flag for a person to be in his or her 40s (or whatever age you pick) with no real relationship experience? Would you assume the person is weird/overly picky/commitment phobic? 

Or would you view the person as a sort of clean slate, free of the messiness of past love and heartache and patient enough to wait for the real deal?

Dating, Getting Dumped, and Having Incredible Sex: My Top 10 Posts of 2014

On this last day of 2014, I thank you for hanging out with me for another year of my life post-divorce, including reliving old pain with my ex, my happy times with friends and family, and my search for hot sex and love, preferably from the same person.

In the grand tradition of all kinds of media at year-end, here's my very own list of my 10 most read posts of 2014.

10. My Return to Online Dating -- Too Dull, Too Exciting, and Just Right

In January, I went full force into the wild world of online dating.

9.  One Year Later: Why I Love My Divorce

I counted my blessings on the first anniversary of my divorce.

8.  Incredible Sex is Turning Me Into an Asshole

I was intoxicated from Incredible Sex with a guy who was wrong, wrong, and more wrong for me. But DAMN the sex was hot...

7.  Keeping Facebook Photos of Your Ex -- Just Documenting the Past or Harming Your Future?

Is it so bad to keep Facebook pics of you and your ex?

6.  What Should A Blogger Do When Her Identity is Revealed?

The guy I was seeing found out about my blog. Shit.

5.  I Want My Ex-Husband When I'm Not Fully Conscious

Ever woken up in the middle of the night and wished your bed weren't empty?

4.  Why Silence Makes Me Scream

Want to break my heart and make me lose my mind? Then, please, don't say a word.

3.  I Got Optimistic About A Guy. Now I Feel Stupid.

Two fantastic dates and then... he disappeared.

2.  7 Steps to Getting Dumped While Still Looking Like a Grownup

If you're going to date, you're going to get dumped sometimes, so here's how I save face.

1.  How to Dump Someone You Aren’t Really Dating

I learned how to nicely dump people after my non-dates because even morons and bad kissers have feelings.


Thank you again for reading, commenting, and sharing your perspectives! A very happy 2015 to you!

What Was Your Most Miserable New Year's Eve?

New Year’s Eve is a week away, so like many people over the age of 25, I haven’t a clue how I’ll be ringing in 2015. (Remember when you used to start planning the NYE festivities in October?!) 

While I was lying in bed this morning, I reflected on what I did the past few years.

The past two years, I was in Manhattan with my dear friend Sue. Last year we did a blowout formal party (it was very Sex & the City) and the year before we hosted a low key dinner.

In 2011, Max and I had a quiet night – we just went to dinner and saw a movie in Ford. That would be our last New Year’s Eve together.

It was New Year’s Eve 2010 that got me out of bed and to my computer. I need to tell you about it so I can let it go.

My Husband Disappears into Depression

In late 2010, Max had been fading away into a shell of his former self. He was losing weight and his fair Irish skin became even more washed out as he hardly moved or ate. He wanted nothing to do with me; he wouldn’t speak to me, much less touch me. If I tried to engage him in conversation, he would look at me with exasperation and sadness, his face dark and distant. If he responded to me, it was as brief as possible. Other times, he just ignored me entirely.

I was utterly beside myself. Who was this sad, cold man?

Not that you would ever want to see your loved one in this state, but it was all made worst that this was happening during the holiday season. Reminders to rejoice and count your blessings and believe in the goddamn magic of the season were sparkling everywhere around me. I just prayed that my husband wouldn’t hurt himself. (He never did, thank God.)

We slogged through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my 31st birthday, doing our best to look like a normal couple. Though, on my birthday, I had a glass of wine too many. In the restaurant bathroom, I accidentally tearfully mentioned to my mom that Max and I hadn’t had sex in a year or whatever it was at the time. I then told her not to tell anyone. She never breathed a word about it.

This was nothing like my New Year's Eve.
Thanks, Hollywood.

I Have the Audacity to Kiss My Husband

Needless to say, the idea of trying to make merry for New Year’s Eve was out of the question.

So, we were spending New Year’s Eve with Max’s family, which sounded very boring but given Max’s state – which we were both keeping secret – I was trying to say yes to him as much as possible.

We went to Max’s sister’s house for some tasteless Chinese takeout and belated Christmas gift exchanging. Conversation with his sisters never came easily, but I remember it feeling even more awkward and forced. After a polite amount of time, we headed back to Max’s parents’ house.

It was probably around 10 p.m. when Max and I were upstairs getting changed for bed (yes, 10 p.m., New Year’s Eve, 31 years old).

I made a mistake. I had the audacity to try to sneak a kiss on my husband.

He pushed me away with disgust and disinterest. It was like I’d offended him by trying to kiss my husband on fucking New Year’s Eve.

I was hurt and humiliated. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” I asked in a hushed tone, knowing the walls were thin. “Is it so terrible that I wanted to kiss you!”

I honestly can’t remember what he said because I must have blocked it out. But the message was clear: he wanted no part of my love or affection, so I should stay away from him.

Not long after, I cried myself to sleep on an air mattress, Max and I as far apart as possible while still technically sharing the bed. I was asleep when the clock struck midnight. Happy New Year.

The next morning, Max’s mom, Sara, and I were alone in the kitchen while Max and his dad watched football.

“Is everything OK? I heard you two arguing last night,” Sara whispered. She was not being nosey; she was truly concerned.

I couldn’t speak without sobbing, so I just locked eyes with my mother-in-law and slowly shook my head.

She put her hand on my arm and didn’t say a word. Like with drunken birthday confession to my own mother, Sara and I didn’t speak of my New Year’s Eve argument again.

During the three-hour car ride home on New Year’s Day 2011, Max didn’t speak to me.

I haven’t thought about that in so long. Tears are falling as I write about that holiday, almost three years into my history. I can’t believe how the pain is still so real, even though I have moved on with my life and never doubted my decision to divorce Max.

I write this to leave it in my past. 

What was your worst New Year's Eve?

Being An Easygoing Wife Helped Destroy My Marriage

“She’s really… easy.”

Yoshi, Meredith, and I were at happy hour, asking our friend Connor about his trip to Asia. Connor and his girlfriend had spent two weeks hopping planes and filling their passports with stamps. I wanted to know how that was, that kind of 24 hours a day time with his significant other while traversing foreign lands?

“Easy” was the word that Connor chose to describe his girlfriend. He meant it as a compliment – his girlfriend has a relaxed, welcoming way about her that conveniently translates into any language.

My mind wandered to my defunct marriage. I scribbled, “Is it good to be easy????” on my cocktail napkin.

Would Max have ever used that word to describe me? 

You should know that no one would ever call me a pushover or lacking in opinions. I have always stood up for myself. But it might surprise you to know that I'm conflict avoidant. What can I say, I’m a middle child who likes to keep the peace!

I sure did try to be what I thought was an easy girlfriend, then fiancée, then spouse. (Hell, I even tried to be an easy ex-wife in our months of forced cohabitation.)

In my marriage, my quest to be an easy spouse translated into avoiding arguments with Max at all costs. FYI, this is a really dumb tactic. 

Examples of Kat the Easy Wife:

• I said little when I felt our apartment needed to be cleaned more often. Instead, I finally hired a cleaning service, which helped lessen my resentment of Max's lack of participation in housework. I was still pissed off that he never scrubbed a toilet.

• Sometimes on Friday nights, I would go to happy hour with friends until Max got home. When he texted that he was close to home, I would head home for the night, whether I was ready to leave or not. We’d spend the evening the way he liked it – chilling on the couch, maybe watching a movie. Of course I enjoyed spending time with him… but, well, I was often sort of bored. I’d wish he would have come met me out. Not like I asked him to do that though.

• In 2011, I wanted to go on vacation just the two of us, but when Max’s buddy wanted to get a beach house, I went along with it. Nevermind that we were renting a house with two couples that each had two children under the age of 5. Nevermind that we hadn’t been away alone since our honeymoon. I didn’t want to disappoint Max or be an unaccommodating wife by saying no. So we went to the beach for an unmemorable, orgasm-free week of stepping on Cheerios and tripping over beach toys. (This ended up being our last vacation together.)

My version of trying to be an easy spouse meant keeping quiet and ultimately losing parts of myself to this rather dull – but easy! – version of Max’s wife.

The way that I finally stopped being easy was in dealing with our fading sex life.

I tolerated our disappearing intimacy for two years before I got Max to a doctor who recommended therapy. Then, after some progress had been made, we backslid, so I again demanded we get help. As scary as it was to push Max to address his issues – and try to save our fledgling marriage – it was the one area where I just couldn’t back down. I was not on his case 24 hours a day, because I did give him some space to figure himself out. But the issue was always in the air.

By 2011, I was not easy anymore. I refused to go with the nonexistent flow of our sex life. I had to have the courage to allow conflict to happen. It was scary as hell. In my heart, I knew that not being the easy spouse would likely lead us to divorce. I was right.

So, whenever I get into a relationship again, do I want to be described as "easy"? I want to be laidback where I can be. I want to be open to trying things that my significant other wants me to experience. I want to be that girlfriend who you can bring into pretty much any situation and she’ll be able to hang.

But if being easy means ignoring the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship for the sake of avoiding conflict, no thank you.

(And speaking of not easy, I do still have on my leg brace as I recover from my broken kneecap. 61 days and counting…)

What are you like in relationships? Do you strive to be easy? Do you let arguments happen? Do you think it's a compliment to be described as easy?

Why Do Guys Who Dumped Me Come Back to Apologize?

As I look back on my dating experiences in 2014, I have discovered a theme: 

I acted too hastily. I’m sorry.

I was selfish. I’m sorry.

I regret letting it end like that. I’m sorry.

No, I'm not the one apologizing -- it's the dudes I've dated. I have had it up to my ass with I’m sorry!

I have been single for less than two years, and only really been dating for one, but I think it’s safe to say I am back in the dating game. I’ve gone out with all kinds of kinds, from the vegan who didn’t drink to the former Navy man to the pot smoking bartender. I’ve gone out with guys seven years younger to 10 years older.

Here is what I don’t get: 

Why do guys keep coming back to apologize?

Andrew probably didn't expect my response. Tough noogies.
(His misuse of "literally" is so not hot.)

In the past year, Todd, John, Aaron, one of the 27-year-olds, and just on Saturday, Andrew have all come back around to apologize for their unique versions of ditching me.

(If you’re keeping track, Carl is the only one who has not. But I told him that he hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid, so he avoids eye contact with me now. I probably won’t be getting a late night text apology any time soon!)

Somewhere between a few weeks and few months after The End, my phone has chirped to reveal an out-of-the-blue text message, usually from a contact who I’ve deleted from my phone, saying "blah blah I’m sorry."

Sometimes they wanted another chance to date me, sometimes they just wanted to clear their conscience. And who knows, maybe some of them just wanted to get in my pants.

None of the breakups/male disappearances were all that dramatic. I never shed one tear over any of them. When shit ended, I might’ve expressed disappointment (if I even had the opportunity), but that is about it. My point is, certainly no guy I’ve dated since my divorce ever walked away from me thinking he’d broken my heart or scarred me for life or turned me into a bunny boiler.

So there’s me, gaping at my phone. 

An apology, after all this time…
do I even care?

Fine, I admit it. My ego loves the apologies. I’m like, hells yeah, you realize that I am kind of awesome and now you’re missing out!

The downside is that I’m often tempted to recycle, and recycling DOES NOT WORK! I know this. You know this. And yet I sometimes try again (see: Todd; John; and most recently Aaron). By the way, recycling for sex/booty call purposes is different and totally acceptable (see: Jason).

Again, I’ve only really been dating for about a year, but I feel like this is an abnormal amount of apologies. Do you agree?

But, the more mystifying question is just why these dudes apologize to me? 

No one has really owed me much of an apology – like no guy has been guilty of more than being an idiot with me. Do their apologies say something solid about my character, that they want to win back my respect? or do I remind them of their guilty-dishing mothers? Or maybe I’m just good enough in the sack that they want to take a shot? (Not that I slept with all of the apology distributors, but they could use their imaginations based on the data they collected.)

What is your experience with former flames apologizing?  And can you shed any light on my experience?!