Wednesday, July 23, 2014

"Lay With Me So It Doesn't Hurt"

Since the first time I heard the heartbreaking yet sexy Sam Smith song, Stay With Me, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I get that song, you know? I really get it.

Sex with Someone I Loved

I haven’t had sex with love, actual love, in years. It’s a distant memory, but I can still remember the richness, the beauty, the sensuality, of being physically intimate with someone I love. Sex can be painful, ugly, funny, and mindblowing, sometimes all at once. But when you’re having sex with someone you love, it’s all OK because you’re lost in the flood of touch, smell, taste, and emotion.

Years ago, I remember lying in Max’s arms in my fullsize bed. We were sweating on my hand-me-down sheets and the room smelled like sex (in a good way). My head fit into that spot between his shoulder and chin. I kissed his pale Irish skin and whispered into his shoulder, “Bursting.”

“Hmm?” Max mumbled sleepily.

“I’m so happy, I feel so good. I just didn’t know…” I said quietly, as I fumbled for the right words. “It feels like... like I’m bursting.”

He pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head.

“I know,” Max said. “I’m happy too. Love you, Bear.”

God, I miss those days so much that my chest aches and my eyes tear as I write this. I miss that kind of sex. What is more thrilling than the vulnerability of sex with someone you truly care for?

Sex with Someone I Kind Of Like But Not That Much

Since Max, I’ve had three sexual partners as well as a smattering of “special friends.” (By the way, somehow I still haven't had sex with Steve, but oh how the temptation lingers.) I think about Jason and the Incredible Sex in particular when I hear Stay With Me.

I like that I’m in such control of my sex/almost sex life again. I haven’t been really without an option for a hookup since I filed for divorce, which is pretty awesome. I love the honesty of just hooking up with someone and we both know it.

After having my orgasm, part of me wants the guy to disappear. It was just physical; I’ve had my fun, so get out and I’ll go back to my empowered single woman life. I'll beckon when I want more.

But there’s that small part of me that yearns for him to stay, even when I don’t particularly like the guy. This is not the guy for me (JASON) nor will he ever be, but he’s here now and in a moment... I’ll be alone.

"Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me"

…but I’d never, ever say this to the "special friend."

When I’m alone again, I coolly go back to watching Beverly Hills 90210 or doing laundry or I just fall asleep. Usually, I feel perfectly fine with my choice.

But once in a while, I question my actions.

Why the one night stand? What does it accomplish? What void does it fill that I can’t take care of on my own?

Once in a while, I don’t just want to take my orgasm and run. I want someone to hold me like Max did.

“Lay with me so it doesn’t hurt.”

Do your sexual encounters usually come with emotion? Can you separate emotion from being sexual?


  1. During the first two years of my divorce (many years ago), my sexual encounters were without emotion. Did not want all the baggage that came with emotion. As time as gone on, I do want that emotion with it.

    I can separate emotion from being sexual, that has become one of my problems.

  2. I did a few of those too. It felt a bit empty after a while. Eventually though, I found one that stuck. You will too.

  3. I love this song, too. I've never seen the video so thanks for sharing here. I feel for will happen again!

  4. We sound very, very similar.

  5. Yes, I will eventually pair the two. That will be a refreshing change on my perspective on orgasms.

  6. Yes, it will. :)

  7. Oh gosh, do you know how I felt reading this? I felt like crying...I so want to have sex with someone I truly and deeply love and feel that they have the same feelings for me...Will this ever happen?
    The only difference between you and I is that I can't detach myself after having sex. I can think clearly before, but after I have it I just feel that I want to have a relationship with that person.

  8. I think it is usually good that I can separate, but it doesn't change how much I miss sex with emotion. It really can be so incredible.

  9. Just started reading this blog. My common law partner and I have ended things after 4 years due to sexless marriage mainly. We still live together and I sleep on the couch. This post made me tear up like crazy. Hope I can be as strong as you are!

  10. Thank you for reading.
    I'm sorry about the end of your relationship, and I sooo sympathize with being stuck living together when the relationship is over. It really sucks. Stay strong, this is just a phase of your life.