The Art Of Dating Someone Who Is Not "My Type"

Well, this is an interesting twist of events.

I like a guy. Like for real. Like we hold hands and have sleepovers and we have made each other dinner. He calls me “baby” and it doesn’t make me throw up in my mouth. And guess who is not freaking out? THIS GIRL!

Because I actually like this guy – and he digs me, too! – I have been really hesitant to write about him here. In my blog world, someone ends up a punchline (e.g., the guy who dumped me because I’m allergic to dogs, the guy I dumped because he baked me brownies and then he gave me flowers).

But it’s exciting to finally feel this way, some 18 months after I decided I was ready to look for a relationship, so, I have to dish to you, dear readers.

You're not my type! Go away!
Wait, come back! I changed my mind.

As you might remember, I had put dating on the backburner, but I kept Tinder and Hinge on my phone because why not? Swiping left and right can be amusing while you’re waiting for your burrito or whatever. So, one night in late April, I ended up chatting with Rick on Tinder. 

Rick does not meet all four of the criteria for dating me:

• Age – My criteria has been maybe a year or two younger or up to 10 years older. He’s 37, so that’s perfect. (And, how weird is this… we have the same birthday!)
• College educated – Sort of. He didn’t finish undergrad. But, since he’s an electrician, he has a ton of related education and certifications. 
• Salary – Hard to say, but he definitely has more expenses than I do, which leads me to . . .
• No roommates – Well, she’s not a roommate. She’s his nine-year-old daughter. Yup, he's a single dad.

No, he wasn’t my usual type, but given that I’ve been single for as long as I have, perhaps my type is worth reevaluating. Rick asked me to continue our conversation over a drink. I said yes.

As I walked into the bar to meet Mr. Tinder, the usual online dating thoughts ran through my head: “Please be cute. Please be smart. Please be normal.”

My dating prayers were answered.

Relief #1 – he looked just like his photos (and he’s actually tall, for real!).  Good, because obviously I thought that he looked cute!

Relief #2 – it was just… easy.

We had a nice mix of small talk and real talk. But the best thing for me was my immediate sense of his warmth. He felt kind and open in a way that you don’t often encounter, especially from a man on a first date.

At the end of our date, he walked me to my car and asked to see me again before I left for my trip to Germany. I agreed. Again, he was not my usual type, but this was fun and so relaxed. He hugged me goodbye, and I got in my car with a big stupid smile on my face. What a gentleman! 

Three days later we met for dinner. Three hours later, he walked me to my car and kissed me in the street. It was a great kiss – that make-me-melt combination of sweet and sexy. I knew I might be getting myself in trouble, and in a good way.

Rick was definitely making me rethink the rules I have been trying to stick to for two years.

Outdoor country concert = best date ever.

Since I returned from my vacation, we have spent as much time together as our schedules (particularly his) allow. Each time that we have hung out, whether it’s date (dinner! bowling! Jason Aldean concert!) or just hanging out at home, we get closer and closer. It’s really cool. I have to admit that despite how very different our lives are (I'm at happy hour while he is coaching his daughter's lacrosse team), we have many similarities in how we view life. We have been able to talk about past relationships (we are both divorced) and our hopes for the future.

Rick is much better at articulating how he feels about me; I’m still guarded. But oh how refreshing to be with a man who is secure enough with himself, his masculinity, and his feelings to be so open! (Ahem, Ryan, take note!) And those other more closed off men were the guys who were "my type" -- at least superficially.

We are both crushing hard. It’s really scary… I have a million questions [fears], particularly because I have never dated someone with a child before. But I'm doing my best to be very present and just go with the flow. 

Next step -- meeting each other's friends. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

By the way, since I’m finally dating someone where I see relationship potential, of course, this means that yesterday Zach contacted me out of the blue to ask me if I wanted to fuck (he never wastes words). Then tonight Jason, the Incredible Sex – who I have not seen in nine months! – texted me to see if I wanted to have a “platonic drink.” I told them both that I’m seeing someone, so no. Much as I love me a good booty call, I would never risk a potential boyfriend for a frivolous fuck or allegedly platonic drink.

Have you dated someone who wasn't your usual type? How did it go?

Do You Have A Five Year Plan? I Don't.

On their first date, my friend Tina’s now boyfriend asked her a big question:

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Much to her credit, she told him the truth, that she plans to be a mother, regardless of whether she is married.

“I knew I might scare him off,” Tina told me, “but I figured it would come out eventually anyway. If that was going to scare him, may as well scare him now!”

Very good point.

Anyway, this has had me thinking about My Five Year Plan. (More specifically, that said plan does not exist.)

Not being married certainly changed my perspective on the future. When I was with Max, it wasn’t My Five Year Plan, it was Our Five Year Plan. I thought that would include parenthood and getting dragged into a house (I’m so an apartment kind of person) and... ummm... I don't know. We'd do married stuff, like grow old together and talk about the good old days when we rented movies from Blockbuster and no one had a phone on the dinner table.

So much for Our Five Year Plan.

But now, I’m 35, unmarried, and living a pretty comfortable existence.

I have a stable job that I like. I own an apartment that I love. I love the town I live in; it’s the kind of place that allows for families and singles to coexist. I have solid, fulfilling relationships with my friends and family. I’m Putting Myself Out There. (I actually met two cool guys last week!)

Given the overall healthy place I’m in now, what should I be hoping and working for by the time I’m 40 in 2020?

Do I want marriage?

Do I want kids?

Do I want to relocate?

Do I want to change careers?

Sitting here right now, my resounding answer is… eh, not really!

Honestly, I’m happy with how my life is today, therefore I think I would be happy if my life doesn’t change much. (Though, I would love to find love again.)

Based on the information I have right now, 

my Five Year Plan is for 2020
to not look at that different from 2015.

But, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I living a blessed, charmed life? Or am I not pushing myself hard enough? 

Do you have a Five Year Plan? What does your plan look like?

Men's Divorce Interviews Me Even Though I'm Not A Man!

I was checking out Men's Divorce, a resource tailored to men's questions and issues surrounding divorce. Long story short, I connected with the editor, and we thought it could be interesting and useful to share my story as an ex-wife with the Men's Divorce readers.

The editor focused on Max's and my efforts to keep our split amicable, from our choice to use mediators to figuring out how to peacefully cohabitate for months as we waited for our condo to sell.

Check out the interview on Men's Divorce!

My Dating Diet, Part 3 -- Did I Stay Away From Men? Did I Meet My Goals?

Experimenting with color! What to choose...

Dear readers, I HAVE MISSED YOU.

I have been so stupid busy that I haven’t written in two weeks, and not for lack of stuff to share! I won’t bore you with the details of why I’ve been absent from the blogosphere, so on with the show...

As you might recall, my Dating Diet concluded on September 25. For 30 days, I aimed to focus on bettering myself, in part by dating a break from dating.

How did I do with my goals? Let’s grade me!

Physical

1. Lose five pounds.  – C
   I lost 2 or 3 pounds. I don’t know why I didn’t lose the full 5. Oh well.
2. Drink alcohol no more than two days a week. – B+
   This was surprisingly rather difficult but I did it. Well, the weekend of Maureen's wedding I obviously indulged one extra day, but otherwise I stuck to the plan!
3. Deep condition my hair and apply a face mask. – A
   Totally did this. It was awesome to take a few minutes here and there to just indulge in ME. Love it.
4. Go to six yoga classes.  – A+
   I went to seven classes! And I got through my half marathon training and race without injury.

Personal/Professional

1. Update my resume and cover letter. – F
   I was so busy at work I just couldn’t make time or space for this.
2. Go to my therapist. – A
   I went once and am going again tomorrow. It’s always good to check in with someone who I’m paying to listen to my crap.
3. Donate two bags of stuff. – A
   This was not difficult. We all have more stuff than we need, and it feels good to give it to someone who needs it more.
4. Thank my friends for being awesome. – A
   Read about them.
5. Finish my book on time for book club. – A
   Not going on dates on Sundays gave me back reading time. (Now if I can just hurry up and finish this month's book...!)
6. Meet with my financial planner. – B
   Some rescheduling held this one up, but we are meeting tomorrow!
7. Hire an electrician and a painter to spruce up my apartment. – A
   I have light AND color! So worth the money! Next up – rehang all of the photos I had to take down. I haaaate hanging pictures...

Bags of stuff. I honestly can't even remember what I donated.
Clearly, this was the stuff of memories!

And as for men, I had sex one time during the Dating Diet….It was a dirty, dirty booty call and hot as hell. (And by “dirty,” I don’t mean unprotected.) Absolutely no emotion or commitment. HOT. I’ll give you a hint who it was with…

But otherwise, I stayed away from men and my plan worked; by the end of the moratorium on men, I was excited to get back out there. I signed up for OKCupid again a few days before the Diet was over, and on September 25, I had a date… with Aaron. Yes, the guy I dated in the winter got in touch with me through OKCupid! But we’ll get into that next time...

If you have ever taken a break from dating. did it help recharge you when you got back in the dating game?

My Dating Diet -- A 30-Day Plan to Say "No" to Men and "Yes" to Me

Imagine it’s January 2. You just spent a month eating everything, ever (Christmas cookies! Candy canes! Salty snacks with dippy stuff!). Oh and while you were at it, you drank everything, ever (wine! Champagne! Poinsettia martinis! Winter lager!). Hell, you might even have had a drunk cigarette or two. Gross. Anyway, all this indulgence was super fun… until now. You hit that point where you just feel tired and gross inside and out. It means one thing: time for some dieting and detoxification.

Well, in terms of dating, consider August 25 to be my equivalent January 2.

Since June, I’ve done quite a bit of proper dating plus an assortment of other strange communications with men (such as the 22-year-old texting me for the first time in four months asking if I’d like to fuck him). I’ve had some great first dates that led to second dates… and yet I’m here alone in my (awesome) apartment, reflecting on the letdowns of the past two months. Definitely not unhappy, but definitely still single.

I’m a firm believer that dating should be fun. No, it must be fun. If it’s not, it means it’s time to reassess.

I hate to admit it, but dating is starting to get not fun for me.
That's not okay.

So, effective now, I’m going on a Dating Diet for 30 days. 

I need to take a little time recenter myself. Whether things are going well or poorly in my dating life, it’s quite distracting. So, I need to cut back or eliminate distractions and replace with emotionally nutritious choices.

My Dating Diet

Goal: From August 26 until September 25, I will specifically focus on my personal and professional goals for one month without the distraction of dating. 

I will not pursue dating, so, for example, I will not contact anyone from my past and I will not sign up for online dating. (If a date opportunity presents itself, I can consider going if the fit really seems right.)

I will not booty call either. (But I might accept a bootycall. Sorry, a girl’s got needs.) I will use my toys as needed because there’s no emotional fallout from dancing with myself!

The Plan

Physical 

Between now and September 25, I will –

1. Lose five pounds. I currently weigh 136 pounds, which is the most I’ve weighed in over five years. It’s a small gain, but it’s making me self-conscious, so it’s time to change. So, I'll keep up my veggie intake, and I'll need to decrease my booze intake, which leads us to...
2. Drink alcohol no more than two days per week. I’ll try for just one. I'm not going for sainthood, people.
3. Deep condition my curly mane hair two times. Minimizing frizz makes me happy.
4. Apply a deep conditioning face mask three times. Fighting breakouts and wrinkles makes me happy.
5. Go to six yoga classes. I just got a killer Groupon for a fancy studio! Between not dating and  training for my third half marathon in a year, this is the time to tap into my Zen or something.

Professional/Personal

Between now and September 25, I will –

1. Update my resume and cover letter. They say you should always keep your resume current because shit happens. But I also believe it will be good for me to reflect on my accomplishments the past few years (especially through the end of my marriage).
2. Go to my therapist. Just seems like that should be on my list since I haven't had a session since May.
3. Donate at least two shopping bags of stuff. I’m not a packrat, but I’m sure there’s crap in my closets I don’t need. Getting rid of unnecessary stuff is good for the soul.
4. Contact three people to say thank you for his or her love and support. I am constantly in awe of my circle of friends and family and feel so very blessed to have them. This is the time to tell them.
5. Finish my book for book club on time for our September meeting. I was the loser who didn’t finish the book in time for our last two meetings, and honestly, it was in part because of how much I was doing dating-related stuff.
6. Stop avoiding my financial planner. I have a mortgage to pay, so shit is real. She has my financial documents. All I have to do is meet with her. No more excuses!
7. Hire an electrician to install overhead lighting in my living and dining rooms. It’s so freaking dark in here that I can imagine what Laura Ingalls Wilder felt like. Well lit spaces must be good for my mood or something.
8. Hire a painter to paint my living room, kitchen, and guest bathroom. Everything is white. White is for a boring rental, not for a place I own. Give this girl some color!

So that is my personal version of my Dating Diet! Notice that I have chosen to not think about what’s next for me with dating. If I’m in a good place, good things will (continue to) come.

Over the coming weeks, I'll keep you updated on how my diet progresses!

Related reading: The Dating Detox.

Have you had to go on your own version of a Dating Diet? How did you spend the time? What behaviors did you change?

Kat is a Homeowner!

Ahhhh, love my view!

Just 11 months ago, I sold the condo I lived in with my ex-husband, divided our belongings, hired two different moving trucks going in two different directions, and then moved into almost 900 square feet of unapologetically unshared living space.

Since then, I’ve worked to recalibrate my financial priorities and goals. We all have that magic number that we like seeing as the balance in our checking accounts; now I was one person with one income paying rent that was a little more than half of what I’d previously paid for my mortgage.

Articles about stuff divorced people need to think about all pointed in the same direction: do whatever necessary to be financially stable. Reevaluate my goals and dreams.

Goals? Dreams? Umm, what? 

Time for more post-divorce decisions?!

When I was married, I assumed we’d eventually want a house because married people want houses and do yardwork and other boring crap like that. I assumed we’d want some babies to go in our fictional house, and babies need karate lessons and summer camp and college savings accounts. I assumed we’d eventually want some big ass car to tote around our fictional son and daughter. Lots of stuff to save for when you’re married and going to do married people crap!

But, now I was single. I had absolutely no clue what a 33-year-old single woman should be saving for. I am a pretty risk-averse person, so I knew that actively growing savings accounts would bring me much peace and confidence.

I needed some goals and dreams that would be completely mine. 

What did I really want?

I really tried to think about what I wanted.
A hot car? Not even remotely interested.
A trip to Fiji? Eh, sounds really far.
Some designer shoes and handbags? I’m way too practical.
A condo to call my own? After my moderately traumatizing experience of trying for months to sell my condo with Max, that sounded awful, but probably the most realistic.

I actively continued my “Downpayment” savings account (as well as other conspicuously named accounts). Half of the money from selling my engagement ring went straight into this account. Every week, a set amount of cash went directly into that account every week for “someday.”

Well, my friends, “someday” came sooner than I had wanted or expected. The opportunity presented itself to buy my beloved apartment, quite possibly my favorite place I’ve lived since leaving the bubble also known as college. I love my town, I love my many friends in my neighborhood as well as the proximity to my family, I love my in-unit washer and dryer, I love my garage. Did I mention I have a walk-in closet? Yeah, this is the place to shell out disgusting amounts of money. This is the place to throw down my roots and embrace my new life.

As of July 25, 2014, less than a year after I sold my condo with my ex-husband, I signed my (maiden) name a million times. I agreed to pay the bank hundreds of thousands of dollars by 2044. 

This divorced woman bought a home. On. Her. Own. Rock on!

What was a huge post-divorce accomplishment for you?

Am I Ready to Buy A Home On My Own?

“We are planning to put the apartment on the market…”

Yes, my landlord was talking about my beloved apartment, the apartment I yearned for during the long months of co-habitating with my ex-husband. It felt like our condo would never sell (and for six months, it didn’t). When I walked into this apartment, I hadn’t even turned on the lights when I turned to my realtor and exclaimed, “This is it! This is my apartment! Call right now!” 

The day I got the keys, I strolled into this empty apartment and laid down on the bedroom floor, my arms and legs spread like a star. I smiled ear to ear as tears trickled down my face.

“My apartment,” I thought. “All mine. I did it. I’m back on my own!”

I can't leave this view!!

Over the past eight months, this apartment has symbolized my independence and joy as I have moved on without Max and redefined myself. The collectively shitty experience of living in a condo I didn’t want in a town I didn’t really like has become a distant memory, thanks to this apartment in Ford.

And now my landlord wants to sell it?! I almost puked and burst into tears.

So, now what?

I have two options: move again or… buy this place.

(Actually, my first thought was that episode of The Golden Girls when Blanche handcuffed herself to the radiator at her grandmother's plantation, but I thought that might be a tad overdramatic for me.)

Being a Homeowner Sucked Last Time

I was kind of traumatized by my last home ownership experience. But can you blame me?

We bought our condo in March of 2010, five months after we got married. To be honest, I have almost no happy memories of living there. Plenty of good things happened in my life during those years, but within those condo walls, it was mostly sadness, loneliness, and rejection. Once my relationship with Max was over, those feelings were overshadowed by overwhelming frustration of being trapped as we waited for that damn buyer to show up.

We dropped the condo price more than once, each time tens of thousands of dollars flying away from us. So not only was I terribly frustrated with my living situation but I was also actively LOSING money on it? This is the American Dream? I call bullshit!

When we finally signed over the condo, I was an emotional wreck (but relieved too). I remember thinking, “If I never own a home again, it will be too soon.”

Is It Time To Buy?

Yoshi's plan for how to buy my apartment.

Yeah, homeownership did suck with Max… but it largely sucked because the condo was my scapegoat. It symbolized the sadness of a crumbling marriage.  The curveball of divorce and a slumping condo market in G-town were things we couldn’t have predicted.

But I did learn a lot from the experience. I will ask more and better questions this time (like, hello, the policy on renting out the unit).

I have downpayment money in a savings account called – you guessed it – “Downpayment.” I know I love this apartment. I know the people in the building are normal (there were a lot of grumpy weirdos in my previous building). My commute is only 20 minutes. I can walk to everything I need.

Unlike last time where we were buying in a town I didn’t know, I love Ford. I have done a lot of thinking over the past year about where I want to live, and I’ve come to the conclusion that for the foreseeable future, this is where I want to be.

So… why not commit to buying? 

I’m doing it! I’m going to make an offer to buy my apartment! 

What was your post-split living situation like?

GUEST POST: 8 Reasons to Work with Your Spouse During Divorce

If you've read my blog before, you know that I had about as amicable of a divorce as possible. I'm grateful that my ex-husband and I were able to make such a sad, difficult time a little less awful by doing our best to work together.

So, I am excited to share tips that might help you and your spouse cooperate. This week's post comes to you from Dr. Matthew B. Candelaria (PhD, U of Kansas 2006), a freelance writer who has written for lawyers in more than two dozen states on a wide range of topics, including personal injury, investment fraud, copyright, divorce, child custody, and other types of family law.

Divorce can be one of the most hurtful, traumatic events in your life, but it doesn’t have to be. Whatever the reasons that brought you together with your spouse, and whatever the reasons you’re coming apart, your divorce c an actually be a healing process. You have the power to make it happen, you just have to choose to do it. 

Here are eight reasons why you should try to work with your spouse during divorce:

1. It Speeds Up the Process.

Even if it’s ultimately a healing process, divorce is going to come with some pain. That pain gets worse the longer the divorce process stretches out. And the longer the process takes, the more risk there is that one of you will say or do something hurtful—possibly without even meaning to—that can break your fragile truce and cause things to spiral out of control.

Either spouse has the power to slow down the divorce process. Working together will help the process resolve faster so you both can get on with your lives.

2. You’ll Be Happier.

Happiness is a choice. When you take steps to work together with your spouse, you’re making the choice that you want to be happier. It isn’t as easy as that, but once you make the commitment, you will be able to do a lot more to actively achieve your happiness, such as letting go of baggage.

3. You’ll Have Less Baggage.

During your marriage, you acquired a great deal of emotional baggage that you have to unpack during and after the divorce. For some of this baggage, the person best equipped to help you unpack it is your spouse. For example, they will be able to tell you why they did what they did and put many of your fears and insecurities to rest.

After the divorce, you may not be in a position to talk frankly with your ex, so working with them during the divorce may be your last, best hope for getting answers to questions that may otherwise plague you for the rest of your life.

4. It Protects Your Finances.

Divorce has the possibility of destroying your finances. There are many ways that your spouse can hurt you financially. You can also hurt yourself, and sometimes trying to hurt your partner can backfire. The best way to ensure that you both come out of your divorce with reasonable financial health is to be honest and cooperative.

5. It’s Better for the Kids.

Your kids love you both, and seeing you two hurting each other hurts them. Kids caught in the middle of an ugly divorce suffer significant emotional harm. Chances are, even if you try to shield them from the hurtful behind-the-scenes fighting, you won’t succeed. They’ll be affected more than you know.

And working with your spouse makes the practical aspects of child care easier, too. If you have an amicable relationship coming out of the divorce, then the two of you will be more likely to be able to make friendly concessions when the strictness of the court-ordered custody arrangement might make things difficult.

6. It Reduces the Risk of Violence.

A stressful divorce can lead to violence. If either partner is being hurt or threatened by an unfair divorce proceeding, they may feel their options are limited and may think violence is their best chance of getting what they want. Working with your partner helps them feel safe and honored and gives them another way to express themselves without violence.

7. It’s Not Worth It.

The truth of the matter is that everything you do to hurt your spouse during divorce hurts you, too. It might even hurt you more. Divorce isn’t a time to be focused on the past, it’s time to be looking toward the future. You have a whole new life out there waiting for you—there’s no sense in ruining it in petty squabbles over the old one.

8. You Owe It to Your Spouse.

When you got married, you made a commitment to your spouse. Until your marriage is officially over, that commitment remains. Working with your spouse on the divorce is your last act of honor during marriage. In doing it, you honor not just them, but also yourself, and the love that once bound you.

Show that you still believe in love and prepares you for the new love to come.

What are your tips to work with your spouse through your divorce?

My 6 Tips to Financially Prepare for Divorce

In a fair world, the price you pay for divorce is your heartache.
In the real world, the price is heartache and cold, hard cash. 

It’s been about a year now since Max and I started separating our finances, but we didn’t fully disentangle until our condo sold in the beginning of September. It’s been three and a half months of living fully on my own financially. Since it’s the season of spending, here are my 6 tips for how to financially prepare for divorce.

Disclaimers: I’m the furthest thing from a financial planner, so these are tips I figured out or gathered from people who seemed to know what they were talking about. My financial situation with my ex-husband was fairly simple. We had a mortgage on our condo and otherwise had no debt. We don’t have children. There was no history of lying or deception. 

Six ways I financially prepared for my divorce:

1. Keep a joint checking as long as necessary. Max and I lived together for six months after we divorced. There was enough emotional stress, so we did not want to nickel and dime each other. To keep things simple and civilized, with the help of our mediators, we deposited equal amounts into a joint checking account to pay the basic living expenses like the mortgage and utilities. We also paid our legal fees out of this joint checking account.
2. Separate your savings as soon as possible. Savings accounts are about planning for the future. You and your ex don’t have a future anymore, so separate that money – or start a new savings account in just your name – so you can actively start preparing for your new goals. Also, separating the savings gives you a realistic look at what you have to work with.
3. Stay together on some services to save money. I looked into separating our auto insurance and cell phones, but it turned out it would cost us both a fair bit of extra money as two single accounts. So, we stayed on joint plans until the condo sold.
   (Speaking of cell phones, be ready to be totally irritated by separating your cell phone plans. I swear, it was easier to get divorced than it was to separate our Verizon accounts! I might’ve cried on the phone with a Verizon manager.)
4. Take a hard look at your current spending priorities. How will your habits change when it’s just you? Where can you cut corners? What will you absolutely not cut out? I knew I needed enough padding in my account so I could keep my gym membership. There is a nice-ish gym I could join for half the price, but nope -- my current gym is a priority, so I had to make it work. Bye bye, cable and a house cleaning service! Those cuts saved me about $150 a month, which I use to mentally justify my gym membership.
5. Figure out what your new expenses will be and starting living according to that figure immediately. My expected cost for rent was going to be about $300 more than my half of the condo mortgage payment, so I started putting $300 into my savings account every month to get used to living on that new amount. (Bonus: my savings account got an extra $1,800 while I waited six months for our condo to sell.)
6. Don’t just get tips from bloggers like me – talk to a professional. Did you know that there are financial planners who actually specialize in divorce preparation? I didn't! Make an appointment with some kind of financial planner before the divorce is final, and then make another one for after the dust settles. I have a second appointment the first week of January to take a look at my retirement savings in particular.

These are my favorite tips that helped make my financial life suck a little less during the divorce whirlwind. In terms of your finances, what did you do leading up to your divorce and living separately? What is your best tip or resource?

See also: 10 Things You Need to Do When You Get Divorced; Financial Advice for Divorce.