8 Strategies for Finding My Next Guy in Real Life

My divorce was final for a year in February 2014, and my relationship with my ex-husband has pretty much been over since July 2012. I’ve dabbled in online dating and had my share of Mr. Right Now and the Incredible Sex. So, in January, I realized that I am ready for a boyfriend. Wow, go me!

I thought I was on the boyfriend track when I met John. Then I thought I was on track again when I met Aaron. Both times, I was wrong. Bummer!

I met both guys through OKCupid, so I have decided to change things up. I think Yoshi had an interesting point that perhaps connecting through online dating makes the meeting process so easy that it feels easier to walk away. So, I want to meet my next guy naturally (or, as we say on Twitter, IRL).

I’m a very practical, goal-oriented kind of person, so I have put a plan in place to find my match:

"You want to buy me a soda?
Golly, that sounds neat!"

1. Cleanse my phone. I went through my contacts and deleted Todd, John, Aaron, and even the 26 Year Old. I didn’t want to ever be tempted to drunk text or something stupid like that. And my phone is MINE, so no potentially toxic people allowed. (Jason, Mr. Incredible Sex, is still in my phone because he hasn’t fully gone away. It's good to have him programmed in my phone so I know to ignore him.)
2. Stop grooming you-know-where. OK, sorry to go a little TMI on you, but it occurred to me that if I’m not ready for showtime, that will keep me from casually hooking up. At this point for me, hookups are a distraction on the path to finding my next guy. In addition, I was recently tested for every STD and thankfully I’m clean, so I want to keep it that way.
   (Though, since I deleted all of my previous options from my phone, it’s unlikely a casual hookup would occur. Better safe than sorry!)
3. Smile at strangers. You know, it’s funny that this little tactic is starting to work. I smiled at a guy at a happy hour, at the gym, and in the elevator in my building, and each of them struck up a conversation with me. Nothing else happened, but it’s a step!
4. Don't look for him at bar. We all seem to think we will meet someone a bar, but seriously, who often does someone meet a legitimate match at a bar? Rarely. So I'm going to stop looking for him at bars and just focus on my friends.
5. Keep exercising. On Sunday, I ran my second half marathon and it made me feel strong and sexy. Yoga and spinning also continue to provide me with balance. I need exercise to keep up my confidence and toughness. And hey, eventually someone will see me naked again, so I’ll be glad I kept up my exercise routine!
6. Tell people I’m open to setups. Probably no one will take me up on it, but you never know whose friend’s dry cleaner’s personal trainer’s brother might be my perfect match! The key is being open (but realistic).
7. Keep my standards high. If you’ve read my blog, you know that my ex-husband and I still have love and respect for each other. He was a faithful and loyal husband to me, and in general he is a smart, good man. I know this might sound really weird, but in dating, I will think of Max. Would Max be disappointed in me for dating this guy? This imaginary guy might never meet Max, but he’ll have to measure up. In case you were wondering, I think Max would have been fine with Todd, John, and Aaron, but would have been HORRIFIED about Jason.
8. Blossom where I’m planted. My friends, family, and I are healthy. I love the town where I live. My job is stable and I can pay my bills. I think of that line from Sex & The City when Aiden tells Carrie, "I have a life. I'm just making room for you in it." That will be me.
   If I don’t lose sight of my blessings and enjoy myself, I believe the right guy will appear. 

As always, I will keep you updated on my dating adventures!

How do these tips look to you? Anything else I should try? What are your tips for finding your next significant other?

I Had Lunch with My Ex-Husband. It Made Me Happy.

A few days after the first anniversary of my divorce, I had lunch with my ex-husband. It was exactly what I needed.

We briefly saw each other in December when he returned my Christmas DVDs to me, but we otherwise hadn’t spent time together since November.

I had plans to be in New York City, so I’d asked him if he wanted to get together. He responded that he would clear the calendar for the weekend so he could see me anytime.

I arrived at the Meatball Shop (my pick – they have veggie balls) a little early, so I texted him to let him know I had a table for us. He responded that he was on his way.

Our lunch wasn't this romantic.

As he approached the restaurant, his head was turned, peering into the restaurant. He was looking for me, his ex-wife. His eyes caught mine and he beamed.

Oh, his smile.

Max has one of those smiles that truly lights up his face. I know that sounds corny, but there really are people with those kinds of smiles. (I’m not one of them. I just have a regular smile.) His smile has always warmed me. Seeing that smile for me made me feel about 93% joyful and 7% terribly, terribly sad and wistful.

His big brown eyes shone as he walked towards me. Stone Temple Pilots was playing. We automatically opened our arms and embraced in the middle of the Meatball Shop. It was a rich hug, the kind of hug that only happens between two people who really, truly care for each other.

We finally sat down and chatted away for the next 90 minutes. We talked about everything and nothing. He asked if I’d run out of my stash of Mary Lou’s coffee, and if so he’d buy me more the next time he goes to Massachusetts. I told him about my half marathon training. He told me his best friend, who was devastated by his divorce five years ago, is engaged. I told him that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting another baby. He shared the latest on a huge project at work, for which I’ve always been his biggest supporter.

After our meat and veggie balls, three cookies, and a scoop of ice cream, we surrendered. The bill came and Max grabbed it.

“Max, come on,” I said. “You don’t have to pay. Let’s split it." Afterall, this was the polar opposite of a date!

“No, I insist,” he said, slapping down some cash.

I know him better than anyone, so I knew I would lose this debate.

“Fine. Then can lunch be on me next time?” I asked carefully.

He looked up from the bill and flashed that smile. (Oh, his smile.)

“Deal.”

He walked me back to the subway. I had the fleeting urge to grab his hand – I guess old habits die hard. At the entrance to the 4/5/6 train, we embraced. Twice. We promised to do this again soon. I believe we both actually meant it.

I looked back as I walked down the steps into the subway. He was watching me go, making sure I got down the steps safely. We both smiled and waved goodbye again, and then I disappeared into the crowded subway. 

When was the last time you saw your former spouse? What was it like?

It Sucks to Be Right When You Know You're Going to Get Dumped

Sometimes it really sucks to be right. Sometimes you really want to be wrong. That was me preparing for the end with Aaron.

Yet Again, My Gut Was Right

I had a gut feeling – you know, the one that is NEVER WRONG – that something had shifted with Aaron, the guy I was dating for a few weeks. Never one to hold back, after a couple of days I told him that I felt like he was pulling away. He insisted that it wasn’t so, blah blah. I was all, are you sure, just fill me in. He insisted things were cool.

I didn't really believe him.... but I sure wanted to.

As expected, for the next week, he sent me mixed signals. We all know that mixed signals are code for “I’m not really into this anymore but I don’t quite have the guts to admit it.” It hurt my feelings, you guys. I mean, not like my ex-husband telling me he wasn't attracted to me type of hurt feelings, but still kind of hurt. How did Aaron go from being so “Kat is awesome” to “Kat is whatevs”? 

So, I tested him. 

I asked last Tuesday if Aaron would like to come to happy hour on Friday. He gave me a kind of non-committal answer, the kind of answer you'd never give to someone you're really in to.

Friday morning, he sent me a cute, flirty “good morning!” text and then I didn’t hear from him again. I totally knew it would happen. But I didn’t let my disappointment spoil my night or my weekend. I had a great time with my friends and spent some quality time with my sister and her kids.

(And, yes, I was totally checking my phone all weekend to see if Aaron would shock me and get in touch. Nope.)

Time to Get Dumped, Just Like I Knew I Would

By Sunday, I revisited my How to Get Dumped tips and I called him up. Here's a rundown of the two-minute conversation: 

Me: Look, it’s fine that we are clearly no longer on the same page, but given how much we have shared with each other, I think we both know that you could have handled things better. [I stop talking. Let him talk.]
Him: Um, yeah well… I mean, I think things were starting to go too fast…
[Me, in my head: Are you f-ing serious? You gave me a Valentine's Day card -- I didn't give you one. You set the pace, man!]
Me: We’re both grownups. You could have said something. I gave you the opportunity to tell me and you did not take it.
Him: Uh. Yeah.
Me: Just keep this in mind when you’re dating in the future, OK?
[silence]
Me: OK, well I don’t want to belabor the point here. I wish you well and I’ll see you around town.

Pretty good, right? I didn’t let him off the hook too easily. I called him out for behaving badly, but I totally was mature and even-keeled about it. I guarantee that I will see him out at the bars, and at least I can feel like I stood up for myself a little bit, you know? 

Feeling Sorry for Myself -- But Only For A Moment

And then… I felt sad. Rejected. What the heck! Aaron and I were having fun! I met his friends! We cooked together! We had hot sex! Why didn’t he want me? And why didn't he have the balls to contact me?!

I cleaned my bathroom as I moped. Aren’t I cute? Aren’t I a catch? Aren’t I a decent lay? What happened? This sucks! I scrubbed the shower door harder.

Then, I straightened up. Aaron is one man out of the 3.5 BILLION men on the planet. His opinion of me is just one of many, and one that is not that important in the grand scheme of things. Why should I elevate him to be more than he is? I’ve certainly turned down some perfectly nice men – and hopefully those guys didn’t take my opinion to be any more important or impactful than it deserves.

It doesn’t matter why Aaron chickened out from dating me. I’m hoping to find a relationship, and I’m not going to apologize for that.

And isn't there something to be said for the fact that I knew this was all happening as it unfolded? I can -- and should -- still trust my instincts because, wow, they sure are spot on.

Most importantly, there is no way I was going to convince Aaron – or anyone else – to be with me. Anyone who loves and cares about me just does. (This is my new mantra.)

I felt a lot better. I am well loved. I don't need to waste energy thinking about someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to be with me. 

My bathroom sparkled. And you know what? I kind of do, too.

Who's been where I've been? Are you familiar with this feeling that you know something is wrong but you don't want to believe it?

See also: How to Break Up Like A Man, And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting.

Why I'm Screwed Up: A Brief History of My Sexual Partners

I’ve never had an adult relationship that had both sex AND emotion in proper proportion. Yup, I’m 34-years-old and I don’t remember how to care about a guy and also have sex with him.

I realized this on the first anniversary of my divorce and tears filled my eyes. It was five days after Aaron and I had sex for the first time. 

The more I thought about it, the more I had trouble remembering a time when I had meaningful, lasting sex with, well, anyone in the past decade or so.

Let’s attempt to break down my sexual past and see why I'm screwed up.

Dave – I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old, the summer before I left for college. My boyfriend, Dave, and I were madly, adorably in love with each other. Unfortunately I wasn’t entirely sure I lost my virginity because it was over so fast. (By the way, I doubt I was a good lay either.)  

Random guys in college and into my early-mid 20s – There were kind of a lot of these. I’m not proud of it, but whatever. If nothing else it meant I was super fun to have breakfast with because I had ridiculous stories. For example:

“You guys, I seriously thought about jumping out the window so no one would see me leaving his room. Do you think I would survive jumping out the third floor window? I might’ve tried if it weren’t for this hangover. I probably would’ve barfed on myself on the way down.”

If I remember correctly, and I probably don’t, I think these encounters were always one-time only occurrences. What can I say, I never had a boyfriend in college, and this girl has needs! (Bear in mind that I didn’t discover masturbation until last  year.) Miraculously, I never got attacked or mugged or contracted an STD. 

Dan – I dated Dan for about four months when I was in grad school. He was smart, sweet, and sexy, and definitely more into me than I was in to him. I held him at arm’s length emotionally because we would be going our separate ways after graduation. But that didn’t stop us from having some pretty decent sex. He was the first guy I slept with regularly since Dan. The next one wouldn't come until Max, two years later.

A few more random guys. For example, the guy whose name I didn't know.

Ivan – Ugh, I hate to even tell you about this experience. Ivan was emotionally manipulative and knew exactly what to  say to break down my walls. He sensed my insecurities and made me forget about them. We dated for six weeks when I was 24 and I fell head over heels for this joker. (So embarrassing.) We had sex once or twice and then he dumped my ass like a bad habit. While he was dumping me and I was a blubbering mess, he actually told me that the next time he had sex with someone, he would make sure that he really cared about her first. Uh, thanks. Glad you have that plan in place. I felt used and stupid.

Max – The first year we were dating, I fell in love with him. I was 25 years old and I embraced being completely vulnerable with a man for the first time. I loved how Max smelled, how he wrapped his arms around me, how his hands felt on my skin. I loved being held afterward as we had those talks that can only happen in that precious space after sex. For the first time -- but only for a short time -- I truly connected sex and love, and it was intoxicating.

But, as you well know, this time was very, very short lived. After the first year, our sex life was never normal again. For the next six years, it was infrequent and eventually non-existent. Sex stressed him out so he always seemed to be biding his time until I would orgasm one time and then roll off of him. Sex was no longer a way to show love for each other, but rather a source of pain, rejection, and conflict. 

If this wouldn't screw with your head and heart, you're a much stronger person than I am!

Cheater – Desperate to get laid after no sex of any kind for three years, I had sex with a guy who I knew had a girlfriend. (I didn't know him or her, but still. Yuck.) I completely removed emotion and went for it. I am proud that I never cheated on Max, but somehow I was fine with being The Other Woman for one night because it was Just Sex.

Jason – Sure, I liked him in the beginning, but he was always my Mr. Right Now. Once I dumped him, I viewed him as my sexual plaything. It was kind of amazing how I could just turn off any semblance of emotion I once had for him. As a result, I realized Incredible Sex was turning me into an asshole.

I'm not so great at math, but I would say I've only had something resembling feelings for about 12% of my partners. Hmmm. A little depressing, no?

Now my sexual past is impacting my sexual present.

With all of this in mind, I think it's safe to say I’m dating Aaron. We have gone out to dinner and to the movies (Frozen!) and last week I met some of his friends. We have stayed in and cooked and watched movies and drank wine. All normal dating things, right?

So here’s where I get FREAKED OUT. (Don’t tell him I get freaked out – I’m hiding my crazy on this one.)

I don’t know how to have sex with someone I like. 

Well, I do, because I am, but I am so unsure of everything! I have no clue how much sex is expected when you’re dating. Do I want too much? or not enough? And is it OK to talk or text about it? or do "nice girls" not do that? Is it normal for me to get really into the sex or am I supposed to be more subdued and gradually show my real sexual self? It’s almost like I don’t understand how I can like a guy AND have hot sex… can the two actually go together?!

You guys, I’m a grown-ass lady but this realization made me feel like a Cosmo-reading teen or something. For a flash, I bitterly thought, “Thanks for fucking me up, Max.” And with that, I shook it off and emailed my therapist to set up my first appointment in months. We’ve got some work to do!

Did you have trouble adjusting to allowing sex and emotion to go together after a hard breakup?

See also: 8 Reasons Divorced Sex Is So Much Better Than Married Sex

One Year Later: Why I Love My Divorce

It’s been 365 days since a judge asked me if I really wanted to dissolve my marriage. I answered yes. Not once in the past 365 days have I wavered or questioned if I answered that judge correctly.

Without the burden of trying to save my marriage, I have had the rare and beautiful opportunity to rediscover and redefine myself. In the past year, I have learned more about myself than I ever could have imagined.

Divorce, something I never thought would happen to me, something I thought was for quitters, something that was "not an option" (quoting myself in 2011) is now something I’m almost proud of. 

Here’s why I love my divorce and the lessons it has taught me:

• My divorce proved that you really can love each other but you cannot stay married. My ex-husband never made me doubt his love or devotion. It was maddening and insanely hurtful that he wouldn’t be intimate with me, but I did know it was his deep-seeded issue and not a reflection of his love for me. I am fortunate that I still believe in love.
  
• My divorce showed me that I have a strong support network. I felt so alone and humiliated as I protected Max and my relationship disintegrated. Once I knew the relationship was over and I started revealing the truth to my inner circle, no one made me feel judged. When I needed love or encouragement, it was a matter of which incredible person’s support I wanted to pick. I will never forget this.
  
• My divorce is a reminder that divorce doesn’t have to be cruel. Max and I lived together for six months after the divorce was final, and we learned how to be respectful of each other’s space while slowly cultivating a friendship. We continue to work on our friendship.
  
• My divorce awakened my sexual self. I bought a vibrator. I started hooking up with a guy seven years younger than me. I slept with someone’s boyfriend (will not repeat). I had peel-me-off-the-ceiling Incredible Sex for months. My sexual self is awesome. I’m pleased to remake her acquaintance.
  
• My divorce means I got to meet you, dear reader, through my blog and Twitter. Your stories and comments have helped me sort through my mess of complicated emotions. I am so grateful!

Most importantly, my divorce symbolizes taking control of my future and my happiness. I felt trapped and miserable and terrified of the D word. I changed all of that. And my life is better because of it.

Thank you for readership and support of Surviving and Thriving in the First Year of My Divorce. Let’s continue the ride and join me for another year! 

My Week of Men: A Disney Date, a Plea For Another Chance, and the End of Incredible Sex

You are not going to believe the past couple of days. In the wise words of The Weather Girls, it's been raining men.

Let’s go through the parade of guys day by day, shall we?

Friday, January 31 -- featuring a new guy, Aaron

After a fun non-date the previous week, I had my first real date with Aaron, another guy I met through OKCupid. We did drinks and dinner, then he walked me home and kissed me good night. SWEET.

Sunday, February 2 -- featuring Aaron

Aaron invited me over for the Superbowl. I popped by his house for just one quarter – too soon to hang around any longer. He kissed me goodbye and I got weak in the knees. Damn, we are definitely kissing compatible.

Monday, February 3 -- featuring Aaron and a horny 26-Year-Old

A snowstorm made me work from home. Aaron went into his office, conveniently just a few blocks from my apartment. At 11:30 a.m., he asked if I’d like to have lunch. Duh, of COURSE I would. (Side challenge – what to wear to a last minute lunch on a Monday when I’ve been working from home? I decided to change out of my brother’s middle school football sweatshirt from 1994 in favor of an oversized sweater and leggings.)

That night, who texts me a racy pic? The 26-Year-Old. Just when I think he’s gone, he’s not! You have to love that I don’t hear from him for weeks, then he just sends a pic without even a “hi” first. He looked hot though, so it was cool with me. He almost came over… in hindsight, I’m glad he didn’t.

Wednesday, February 5 -- featuring Aaron and Jason, Mr. Incredible Sex

Aaron and I hung out again. We got a bite to eat and just missed a showing of “Frozen,” so he came over to Watch A Movie. Just like when I was 16, this was code for Come Make Out On My Couch. When he left my apartment, I had one of those big stupid “I just smooched a cute boy” smiles. Yay!

Of course, while I was out with Aaron, Jason was texting me. UGH. I ignored him, which prompted my last blog entry that the Incredible Sex must stop, and I mean it this time!

Thursday, February 6 -- featuring John, who dumped me a few weeks ago

And then other times...
he actually is that into you.

I checked Facebook in the morning, and I had a friend request from John, the guy who discarded me almost three weeks ago. Huh? Interesting timing since I’d just recently cleaned out my contacts and deleted him. Totally baffled, I ignored the request.

When I got in to the office, I received a text from an unknown number asking if he can call me that night. Based on my powers of deduction, I knew it was John. I text back yes, he can call me. 

I went back to Facebook and discovered a message from him that he had sent along with the friend request the night before. The gist of this was this – he had acted rashly when he decided to stop seeing me and wanted to see if I would be open to seeing him again.

WHAT?! You guys, this is the crap girls always hope will happen and it NEVER does. I was definitely bummed when he gave me the boot, but when I didn’t hear from him within a few days, I figured our opportunity has passed so I licked my wounds and looked forward (meaning I went back to online dating).

So that night, I talked to John. It was nice to hear his voice again. He did indeed explain why he felt he’d made a mistake. Wow.

I told him I was surprised to hear all of this. I continued that I knew we had a good connection and I would like to see him again, but I was just starting to talk to another guy. To make sure I wasn’t being sketchy with anyone, could I get back to him over the weekend so I could just process all of this? 

He said of course, and that he would love the chance to take me out again, even for Valentine's Day if I'd like. But yes, take the time I need to think.

Whoah.

Saturday, February 8 -- featuring Aaron and Jason

Aaron and I had yet another date. If there were ever a date where a guy is setting things up to get lucky with me, it would’ve been this date. 

First, we saw “Frozen” (which was awesome). He held my hand throughout the movie and he actually liked the movie too. He started racking up the points. 

Then we went grocery shopping together to get stuff to make dinner at my apartment. This was a big challenge for him because I’m a vegetarian, but he was totally game. We headed back to my place. I opened a bottle of red wine and put on some Billy Joel. So there we were in my kitchen, and Aaron is chopping and measuring I was the one needing to step aside. Unbelievable! Guys never cook for me, and certainly not in my kitchen! (Well, unless you include the brownie fiasco.) I was LOVING it. In between the chopping and measuring was lots of making out. Our dinner of improvised eggplant parm, spaghetti squash, and baguette was lovely, followed the monkey bread he baked. 

So did Aaron get lucky? No. (You guys, someone give me a freaking medal for my self-restraint.) 

I told him I didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves, etc., so I didn't want rush into sex. He understood and agreed. With sex off the table [only temporarily, I hope], he still slept over and it was awesome. We hit that amazing combo of both sweet and hot. 

I’m cautiously optimistic, but it seems like there could be potential with Aaron. The conversation is good and we certainly seem to be sexually compatible. And he’s definitely not “too square” for me. 

And, of course, there was a text from Jason. Bah! Go away! I’m trying to focus on the ones that actually have boyfriend potential!

Sunday, February 9 -- featuring Aaron, John, and Jason (really?!)

I'm not exactly Marilyn, but let's just go with the visual.

After kissing Aaron goodbye, I made my to do list for the day. 

1. Practice yoga.

2. Buy groceries.

3. Tell John thanks but no thanks.

4. Tell Jason we cannot be fuck buddies anymore.

With the first two items done, I geared up to call John. Clearly things seem to be going well with Aaron, but even if I weren’t seeing anyone, I couldn’t give John another shot. Regardless of the back story, I know myself and I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that John already had a list of my faults or whatever lined up in his head. Also, in the weeks that have gone by, I’ve reflected and I think John might be a little too much like Max – a good guy, but a little “too square” (John's exact words) for me. I truly applaud John’s guts for trying though, and I told him so. The conversation took three minutes, but he was gracious and mature. He totally understood and wished me all the best. What a nice guy. Too bad he wasn’t the right match for me.

Jason texted me to see if he could come over, which didn’t surprise me; history has shown that when he can sense me disappearing, he gets much more clingy. First I tried saying I needed space, which he mocked. He was all, we’re just fuck buddies, why would we need space? I wanted to say, BECAUSE YOU’RE TEXTING ME EVERYDAY AND YOU KEEP ASKING ME OUT!!!! But I didn’t. I attempted the high road. I wrote back, “OK I’ll put it this way. I’m not comfortable with the fuck buddy thing anymore.” I’ll spare you the details, but he was a condescending little shit.

Note the stark contrast between John and Jason: John was an adult about getting turned down, and Jason was an immature brat. All Jason did was confirm that I’m done with him and his shit, and yes, that means Incredible Sex.

So, this is my several days of boy craziness. Classic case of when it rains, it pours! I made all good choices the past few days, so I’m proud of myself. Stay tuned for what happens with Aaron. I am so curious to find out!

Why is the old cliche true that when it rains, it pours? Have you had this happen?

Incredible Sex is Turning Me Into an Asshole

I only want to use you for Incredible Sex!

As you know, I’m still sometimes having Incredible Sex with Jason. And that makes me an asshole.

It’s possible for someone to be a hookup buddy only (for example, the 26-Year-Old and I have been hooking up off and on for a year with no emotional fallout whatsoever). In November and December, I thought that Jason could handle us just screwing, but I’m realizing that he can’t. He keeps getting attached. I know it, so I should stop talking to him, but moreover, stop having sex with him.

In the past few weeks, he has asked me out to dinner, if there’s any chance of us getting back together, etc. I have said clearly and firmly, that no, there is no chance.

One night, Jason confessed to me that he has considered trying to just fully change himself to be the guy he thought I wanted. I looked him in the eye and told him he should never, ever do that, not for me or anyone else. He would end up hating me (or whoever), and he should be true to himself.

“I hope this doesn’t sound too weird,” I said quietly, “but I know you would be a wonderful boyfriend. I’m not the right person for you and you’re not the right person for me, but that girl is out there for you.”

He knows I’ve been dating. In fact, during my brief stint dating John, I told Jason I was starting to see someone so no more nookie, as per our agreement. But what did I do the night that John dumped me? I texted Jason. Because I'm an asshole!

I don’t let Jason sleep over. We don’t really cuddle post-sex. We don't kiss hello or goodbye. 

So yes, my words are (mostly) clear. But I keep having Incredible Sex with him. That is confusing for Jason (even though it shouldn’t be…right?). 

I know Jason is confusing sex with emotion,
and I’m such an asshole that I don’t care. 

Wow. That really stings to see in print.

Jason texts me asking to come over and about 50% of the time I say yes. He still texts me that I’m beautiful. Hell, last weekend I had what I was calling a date with my four-year-old nephew (we saw "The Nut Job" and got dinner at Friendly’s), and Jason texted me asking if I would ask my nephew for tips – “Tell him I keep trying to land a date with his aunt.”

Sigh.

(I must point out that for all that he wants to date me, Jason continues to be very self-centered and needy for attention, so he only talks and thinks about himself. Not sure where I fit in to that equation. He never asks me about me. Like ever. He doesn’t ask me about work, my friends, my writing, my half marathon training, my Uggs, nothing.)

So why am I being such an asshole?

Yes, I went three years without sex (I know, right?! NEVER AGAIN), and the years before that I hardly had any sex then either. But my relationship with Max has been over since September 2012. Jason and I have been having Incredible Sex off and on for almost six months now. I think that my “I was so sexually starved!” excuse that was once so very valid is expiring.

Anyway, I think it’s time that I stop being an asshole. I’m not going to lie, I’m going to miss the Incredible Sex terribly and I do love the attention Jason showers on me (even though sometimes he’s really annoying about it). It’s awesome to feel hot and sexy and wanted. But it’ll be even nicer to not feel guilty about it.

Have you been an asshole and you knew it? or have you been on the receiving end of someone being a repeated asshole to you?

See also: 8 Reasons Divorced Sex Is So Much Better Than Married Sex