Sunday, March 8, 2015

When Your Ex-Husband Tells You His Girlfriend is Pregnant

My ex-husband, Max, has brown eyes and long, black eyelashes. (I always said those eyelashes were wasted on a man.) Through our eight years together, I saw his eyes light up with joy. I saw them darken with secrecy. I saw them dull with shock and denial.

This time, I was seeing something I had not seen before. Could it be fear?

Max stood in front of me, shifting his weight, fidgeting his hands. He stood seven inches taller than me, but felt smaller. What was going on? We have been divorced for two years. What on earth was there for him to say to me that could reduce him to this?

“Kat,” his voice quivering ever so slightly, “I have to tell you something.”

“OK…” I replied. “Go ahead. You can tell me anything.”

“Well, we are engaged…”

Engaged?! I didn’t even know he was dating someone. In fact, I had assumed he hadn’t even kissed anyone since me. We got divorced because of his lack of desire for sex, so it didn’t occur to me that he would even want to date. He was so resistant to working on himself when we were in therapy. But I guessed this was good, right? Maybe this means he was coping with his problems and moving on? I can be brave and make myself happy for my ex-husband.

But there was more.

“…because she’s pregnant.”

Oh god. No. No. No!

Everything started flashing. I couldn’t breathe. My stomach filled with ice.

We were supposed to have children together. We were going to be amazing parents. When he took away sex, he took away our shared vision of parenthood. How the fuck could he already be in a romantic relationship complete with physical intimacy? Seven out of our eight years together I was desperate for intimacy. Five out of our eight years together we were in therapy. I wanted him to want me, and for seven years, he rejected me. 

Now I’m 35, single, and unsure if motherhood is something that even makes sense for me anymore. All because my husband would not (could not?) make love to his wife.

And now some other woman is pregnant with the child that was supposed to be mine?! It was more than I could bear. Like a pipe filling with ice, I was on the verge of bursting, a flood of fury and sadness and longing and jealousy.

I dropped my head in my hands as vertigo set in. 

“This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t real!” I shrieked.
I couldn’t tell if the words were firing in my brain or if they were escaping my mouth.

Then, I woke up.

My heart was pounding and tears hovered in my tear ducts. I was all alone in my bed

I was right. It wasn't real.

How do you feel about your ex moving on? Are you happy for him or her?

17 comments:

  1. I have similar dreams about my ex. Mostly that he is now engaged to the woman he cheated on me with for 4 months, that I think ended after those 4 months. But when he tells me he got someone pregnant or is engaged I know I will go through the whirlwind of emotions you were describing. I hope you are recovering from this dream.

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  2. Funny...but I'm completely on the other side of that one. If my ex ever told me that he was engaged and "pregnant", all I could feel is relief, and perhaps a bit sad for the new girl because at last he would finally have something other than me to obsess about. But I'm very certain that you will be having that conversation with him long before he'd be having that conversation with you. Chin up my dear.

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  3. Imagining you ex with another woman is one of the hardest things you will go through post divroce. When my ex husband got remarried, I was devasted. I was clear I didn't want to be with him. BUtthe idea of him having the life we were supposed to have with someone else KILLED me. Especially when I hadn't found my husband and had my kids yet! You are not alone.

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  4. Dreams are crazy things, aren't they? I had this dream probably two weeks ago and clearly it still has me rattled.

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  5. As always, thank you for reading and your kind words!

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  6. Yes, exactly!!! I don't want to be with at all, but the idea of him having that life with someone else... GRRRR / wahhhh.

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  7. Whoa! That is a horrid nightmare. Especially the part where he gets to have kids and you don't! Yuck!!!!

    So my first wife met someone and was getting re-married about a year or so after we got divorced. All I could think is that I hoped they got along better than we did. I didn't stay in touch and so I have no idea how it panned out.
    My second wife, the one I have my son with, was seeing this guy that my son told me a little about. I was kinda upset at first, but then figured maybe if it gets her off my back, well and good. Then I haven't heard much in the last couple months from my son and am wondering if that is good or bad. maybe bad as I don't want a bunch of temporary men in my son's life.
    I guess ultimately it would be nice if she would remarry and have another child. Then she might focus less on my relationship with my son. She is taking him to a wedding in San Diego in a couple weeks, but hasn't told me whose. Maybe if I am lucky, it will be hers!

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  8. Man, Kat- that was really hard to read. My heart breaks for you. Your feelings are certainly relatable... I don't think anyone likes the idea of any of their exes ever moving on, so I can't imagine an ex who was a husband and the relationship ended for lack of intimacy and then, bam, this. I'm so sorry.

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  9. Scary, Kat... I actually had a dream very similar a few months back and scared the crap out of me!
    Your blog inspired me to get writing again... Check it out if you have a chance! unfiltereddiscourse.blogspot.com

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  10. Berit Magical TempleMarch 23, 2015 at 5:45 PM

    An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my husband back to me.. My name is Olivia Phimzile,i live in Kansas,USA,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce.he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{tanasiajobs210@gmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so she spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same email tanasiajobs210@gmail.com,if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to the Dr Tansia for bringing back my husband ,and brought great joy to my family once again. {tanasiajobs210@gmail.com}, Thanks

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  11. Thanks for reading and I'm so glad you're writing again!

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  12. Thank you for your kind words. Thank goodness it was only a dream... hopefully if/when it's real, I'll be a bit stronger and ready to handle it.

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  13. My situation was quite different from yours, but regardless, it's a tough pill to swallow, the idea of your ex being happy with with someone else. :(

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  14. It's such a crazy concept that someday Max and I might know nothing about each other anymore. We don't communicate often, but it's nice knowing that we CAN.
    Much more complicated for your with the second wife, given that you have to co-parent with her. Fingers crossed she finds herself a partner soon and leaves you alone!

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  15. I was thinking of this today. I am not sure how I would feel if he told me he was getting married and having kids. He alwasy was against having a family, so I think I would feel like he'd betrayed me.

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  16. It's a very complex -- and sad -- thing to think about.

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  17. Hi
    My divorce went though in March. We have been separated for three years in September. I have two beautiful children
    .. He has had a new girlfriend for a year and a half.... I was waiting for them to break up so I could attempt to fix our relationship and try again and my children would be so happy. But I didn't want to be the one to break them up. Today he told me they having their own child...
    I am heart broken... I feel betrayed... I'm worried about my children coming second! I don't know how to make this better?

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