How To Have a Fun, Safe Booty Call... If You Can Handle It

My real life friends and today a Twitter follower ask me:

How does one do a booty call?

I admit to having a fair amount of experience in this area since my sexless marriage ended two years ago. No two booty call arrangements are the same, but they can be super fun, sexually exciting, and even a boost to your self-confidence – if you know the secrets.

Now, before I disclose my secrets to fun, satisfying booty calling, there are a two things we must establish:

• My booty call companions are not Friends With Benefits because I have no idea how those arrangements work. If I’m friends with you, you don’t get to see me naked.  If you are my booty call, you are not my friend. (And I think I could end up with hurt feelings in a Friends With Benefits situation.)
• This is very important: a person is not a suitable booty call companion if you might ever, even a little bit, hope for anything resembling a relationship with this person. You are not dating and, in all likelihood, you never will date your booty call. Be honest with yourself and make sure this is completely acceptable. (Now that you read that, please reread it. Seriously.)

OK? OK. Let’s move on!

My booty call companions have come from various places. Two I met at bars (like Zach). Two were guys I used to date until they bored me but they were good in the sack. One I thought I might want to date then I changed my mind (and I was absolutely certain of this when I changed my mind).  So you can find a booty call in a number of different ways; you just have to make it known that you’re receptive – but be subtle about it. You might be surprised at who else is game for this arrangement.

Now, here are my secrets to successful booty calling.

Single

First and foremost, you and your booty call must both be single. Cheating is not nice. 

If you’re not sure if your potential companion is single, ask directly.  If he says yes, that’s the end of the discussion because it’s game on!

Sexting

Sexting is a fantastic way to build up some anticipation to your hookup.

I had never participated in sexting until two years ago. (Yes, life after divorce has been interesting indeed.) Learning how to flirt and get a little dirty over text is really fun! I like that I learned about this with a guy where I had absolutely nothing to lose.

Sexting tip: if you are going to cross over from sexy words to sexy pictures, never include your face in the photo. As a woman, I have occasionally sent a picture of something like the side of my neck and my bare shoulder. It leaves something to the imagination and you can't see my face. (As a bonus, I can take a picture like that from my couch without changing out of my sweatpants.) Gentlemen, we don't like dick pics. Thanks!

Sober

Admittedly, I haven't always been totally sober when I have made or accepted a booty call. But there's buzzed, and then there's the kind of drunk where it's unsafe and/or going to lead to regrets. A dash of liquid courage might be OK, but not much more than that. Got it? Good!

Safe

You must completely go with your instincts on this one. If anything about being alone with the person does not feel safe, do not proceed. Don’t question yourself, don’t apologize, just stop it.

So let’s say you are feeling frisky and comfortable with the person. If there's even a chance of having sex, BYO condoms. Since my divorce, I have been utterly appalled by how many attractive single men don’t have condoms! Didn't any of these guys take Sex Ed? 

Sex

If you do have sex, again, be safe. A booty call companion has no loyalty to you and vice versa. This person could be sleeping with other people (hell, maybe you are, too). So, condoms FTW.

But, you don’t have to have sex for a booty call to be fun. I have been hooking up off and on with Sean for two years, and we have never had sex. He was great for my self confidence (he was the first man to call me sexy) and for practicing my other moves. I learned a lot about my sexual preferences and talents without ever actually having intercourse.

Sleep

No sleepovers. Period. Sleepovers lead to cuddling, and cuddling is for relationships. Cuddling can also get the oxytocin flowing, which can confuse you about the arrangement with the person who just got you off (hopefully).This person will never be your significant other, so once the fun is over, kick him out or get your ass home.

(This was extra important when a guy I used to date became my booty call.)

Do not confuse yourself or your booty call companion!

Silence 

A booty call arrangement is always temporary and can end anytime. You need to be completely fine with this.

Here’s the thing with booty calling – there is no real predictability. Sometimes you’re arranging to meet up often, and other times you might go months without communicating. Then, you might contact him and he doesn’t reply that night or ever again, or you might pull the same thing with him. Yes, this is acceptable behavior. 

Embrace the silence as freeing you from having to bullshit a friendship or feigning interest in dating when you really just want to get some nookie.

(By the way, you do not get in touch to see how the person is doing or chat about the weather or invite him out for your birthday. That's what friends do, and I'm not talking about Friends With Benefits. Communicate with one purpose: building up to or arranging your next rendezvous.) 

If these tips make  you think:

• “Wow, I would never want to get it on with someone I don’t really know or have feelings for.”
• “This is terrifying. What if I got murdered/kidnapped/contracted a raging STD?!”
• “Kat is weird/secretly a dude/a little slutty.”

Then booty calling (and maybe my blog) is not for you. That’s OK, I’m not offended. Like a booty call, it was fun while it lasted!

On the other hand, if these tips make you think:

• “Wow, this sounds hot and exciting, and all I can emotionally handle.”
• “I haven’t gotten laid in weeks/months/years and I’m going to wear out my vibrator if I don’t do something about it.”
• “The person I went on a few dates with last month but we had nothing in common with might be perfect for this.”

Then booty calling might just be the answer to your sexual needs when you're between relationships. Now go grab yourself a box of condoms and have fun!

What is your opinion on booty calling? A good idea or not worth the risk? Any fun booty call stories to share?

My First Post-Divorce Breakup, Part 3: He Gave Me Orgasms

First, a batch of brownies told me it was time to end things with Jason.

Then, after days of excruciating post-breakup texts from him, he sent me a very different text:

“Well let me know if you ever miss the sex enough.”

Here’s the last part of the story of my first breakup since my divorce.

I stood in my kitchen with my mouth full of Baked Tostitos, staring at my phone. Was I walking into a trap? Was he going to accuse me of using him for sex? Or was he offering some freebie? So I carefully responded, “I’m not sure how to interpret that.”

"Hello, this is Kat speaking!"

You guys, I don’t know what the hell happened, but the next thing I knew, starting on a Thursday evening (my wedding anniversary, of all days!) until Sunday afternoon, we had a sexting marathon.

As you may remember, I was introduced to sexting by the 26 Year Old, but he liked some talk and some photos. [He actually just sent me one a few weeks ago. I texted back that he looked hot but I was kind of seeing someone, but would let him know if/when I am single again. Never burn bridges, folks!] It probably goes without saying but I NEVER sexted with Max, and before Max texting didn’t exist. And you know what? I think sexting is awesome. I’m not big on the photos but I love the talk.

Oddly, for the bazillion texts Jason and I had exchanged and how much we liked to talk about sex, we had never sexted. Well, we were sexting like champs and it was hot as hell. No photos, just lots of words.

Among the racy texts I did ask a few times if this might be a bad idea. I didn’t mind our bodies screwing but I definitely minded the possibility of screwing with his mind and heart (and who knows, maybe mine too). He insisted that it wasn’t a bad idea. That’s what I wanted to hear so I went along with it!

We Are Not Getting Back Together. Just Sex.

So, we set a date. Sunday afternoon, he would come over after work and we’d make our sexting dreams come true. I paced my apartment like a damn cat in heat. Finally, a knock at my door.

I opened the door. I hadn't seen him in almost two weeks. He stood there with a devilish grin – not exactly the warm smile I was used to. He stepped in the door and we started kissing. (Uggh, you guys, he is such a good kisser! And I love kissing!) I pushed him away and said, “Look at me. This is not a relationship. We are not getting back together. This is sex.”

He nodded and leaned back in.

“No!” I said, still resisting. “Repeat it back to me first!”

He repeated that we were not getting back together. Just sex.

Then I asked him if he’d been with anyone else since me. He said no, and neither had I, so I grabbed his hand and off to my bedroom we went.

Since I’m not looking for a career in erotic literature, let it suffice to say that we had ourselves some fun and he gave me my orgasms, as usual. When it was over, he left. No cuddling, no kiss goodbye.

In my afterglow, I paced my apartment again. Was that a good idea? How did the sex feel now that it was truly just sex and not tied to feelings? The sex was still hot, that’s for damn sure, but I wasn’t so sure about anything else.

Four hours later, my phone chirped.

We Are Not Getting Back Together. Just Sex. Again.

Him: “Are you up for round 2 at 9:30?”

Me: “Omg are you serious”

Him: “See you in a little over an hour”

Me: “Ok, let’s do it.”

Me: “No sleeping over”

He came over for round 2, and just like in the afternoon, he was gone as soon as it was over.

On Monday, I got another text, this time just “9:00?” With a smiley face. Of course.

What ever happened to romancing? A little foreplay? I wanted my sexts!

First I said no. Then I said yes, because I’m weak like that.

Again, we had our romp. When it was over, again, he bolted out of bed. As he dressed, I attempted to make a little conversation and told him that I might be appearing on Huffington Post Live. He was completely disinterested. Flushed from his orgasm, Jason strolled out of my apartment. And maybe out of my life for good.

Sex with the Ex -- Great Idea or Totally Stupid?

After he left, I also thought about the blog entry I wrote four months ago, when I shared with you my first time having sex after my ex-husband.

“Now that I’ve finally had sex again, oddly, I kind of don’t care when I have it next. The sexual side of me is definitely not going dormant again. But maybe it’s best for me to hover at third base until I have a boyfriend again.”

Maybe I had a point back in June. (Imagine that!)

As much as I love (loved?) sex with Jason, I admit that it lost something without the emotion. The way he walked out of my apartment was obviously completely different from how he used to depart. (Well, when I was actually home to see him depart!) The fact that we barely spoke made me feel a little... icky.

I am still processing what the hell has happened with Jason over just two weeks – from him being “in love,” to having his heart broken, to having emotionless sex. Can things really change that fast? Does this prove my theory that he was never actually in love with me? Or is he just faking a lack of feeling to bed me?

I am proud of how I conducted myself through my divorce; I still want to hold my head high as I venture into uncharted territory in my new sex and dating lives. I’m not ashamed of my choice to have post-breakup sex with Jason. But, I would be lying to you and myself if I told you I’m proud of my choice. And I would never lie to you, dear readers!

But you know if I have another moment of weakness for the Incredible Sex, I will confess to you. I promise!

What was your first breakup after your divorce like? Did you doing the dumping or did the other person? Did you ever get frisky with the ex again?

I'm Never Having Sex Again

OK, dear readers, level with me. Is there something unscrewable about me? It’s been nearly THREE YEARS since I last got laid. Would you believe that I’m getting a little impatient?!

As we’ve clearly established, Max and I basically had a platonic relationship. Fine, chock that up to [fill in whatever I learn in therapy]. But here’s what's crazy: I did NOT have sex Tuesday night.

Allow me to explain. Let’s go back to January.

As I recently mentioned, I was seeing a great guy named Todd. He was smart, good looking (though short), good job, wonderful conversationalist, and an amazing kisser. He made it very clear that he was very attracted to me, which would always be music to my ears but especially in the throes of divorce. So after hanging out in his apartment twice and messing around a little, I figure the third time will be the charm. I groomed, exfoliated, and lotioned, just as anyone would if she thinks she might get busy with a cute guy.

I got to Todd's apartment and instead, there was terror in his [gorgeous blue] eyes. Long story short, he had just found out a few weeks before that he had contracted an STD. He was absolutely devastated, but he knew he had to tell me. (I told you, this guy was good people.) As he put it, “I know why you’re getting divorced. The last thing I wanted was for you to think I’m another guy who doesn’t want to have sex with you, because believe me, I really do."

So, we spent that night stranded on third base. Good times, but, you know, it’s just not the same as a homerun. We stopped seeing each other shortly after, partially for this reason but largely because I just wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.

In February, I reconnected with the 26 Year Old, who I'd met at a bar in December. I told him outright that if he was looking for a girlfriend, he’s looking at the wrong person, but if he’s looking to get laid, he’s still barking up the wrong tree. On that note, we went back to his place and hooked up, which started a thing for us. He booty calls me most weekends, and though we usually don’t connect, I LOVE the attention. When we do get together, I think it’s quite clear why: we are using each other. He thinks I’m insanely hot (he tells me so constantly and it never gets old for me) while I love that a younger cute guy just wants to make me feel good. I can be completely direct with him and take some risks because I have nothing emotionally invested in him. This is a perfect arrangement for a newly divorced, sex-deprived woman who still lives with her ex-husband.

Now, as I set the stage for Tuesday, I must bring up two things: begging and sexting.

Begging – Every time we've hooked up the 26 Year Old basically begged me to have sex with him, and shockingly I’ve said no. I had this idea that I was going to wait for a relationship, but that notion has lost its luster. But the last time I saw him, I asked if he had a condom, and he didn’t! I was shocked. I said, "How are you a single guy and not have condoms?!" My point is that was the first time that I showed my resolve crumbling.

Sexting – When Max and I got together in 2005, texting was just starting to be a thing. Given the nature of our relationship, he NEVER, EVER would’ve been game for flirty or sexy text messages. So, on Sunday, when my texts with the 26 Year Old turned a corner into Sexting 101, you can imagine my shock (and enjoyment). I mean, he even sent me a suggestive photo! Kind of made me giggle, but it was also kind of hot.

On Tuesday, he lightly started up the sexting thing again, and I was thought hells yeah, I’m not waiting anymore. I tossed some condoms into my purse and drove like a maniac over to his place. (Good thing Max was sleeping when I left – would’ve been hard to explain where I was going at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday.)

I get to his place, we start fooling around, and I’m all, woohoo let’s get this condom and play properly! And, get this… he rolls off of me, and is all, I’m not sure. I can’t even imagine the shocked and irritated look on my face. I’ve been waiting three damn years for this and you’re saying you’re not sure?! He said something about feeling like he should take it slow with me. Um, what? We went on one date in December, and otherwise we booty call.  He reiterated that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so I asked if he has an STD, and he assured me that he is clean (thank goodness, me too). He claimed he didn’t know why he was hesitating.

FLASHBACK: I got enough “I don’t know” from Max on this subject to last me a lifetime.

We didn’t talk about this for too long because, to further my utter confusion, we proceeded to have a superhot makeout session, with him being as in to me as ever! We're talking the temperature in his bedroom went up by four degrees.

As I drove home I thought two things:

• Wow, apparently I'm never having sex again. 
• At least I know exactly what this week's blog topic will be!

The good news is that I still got my orgasms and my ego stroked. But I’m still totally baffled. The 26 Year Old is my booty call, my boy toy, my sure thing! Help me out! Why did I not have sex last week? What happened? Do I not understand something about booty call arrangements? Will I be stuck at third base for the rest of my life?

Related reading: Top 10 Reasons to Use Condoms, How Sexting Can Ruin Your Sex Life, Booty Call Etiquette and,The 9 Rules of Booty Call Etiquette.

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