Sunday, July 14, 2013

Dreams: Window to My Subconscious or Just Brain Farts?

Sometimes I think dreams have meaning as my subconscious works overtime to reconcile some issue in my life, but I also think other times dreams are just sleeping brain farts and don’t mean squat.

Since Max and I stopped sharing a bedroom and I filed for divorce, I have had surprisingly few dreams about him or us. But, starting the night before Nora’s wedding (my first wedding post-divorce), Max is infiltrating my dreams. Since I started this blog to help me sort through my unmarried life, let’s take a look at those dreams, shall we?

Holy crap! Why am I dreaming about my ex?!
And why are my eyes so scary?!

The night before Nora’s wedding (June 21)

I called off my own wedding the night before. I have never dreamed this before, not even when I confessed to my journal late at night, just weeks before my wedding, that I was terrified that the intimacy issue would tear us apart. Maybe riding Nora’s pre-wedding bliss brought me back to my own pre-wedding bliss, only this time with a harsh dose of reality: CALL IT OFF. Ouch.

A week after Nora's wedding

It was the equivalent of right now, and I found out somehow that Max was engaged! This was particularly shocking given that he spends so much time alone on the couch with ESPN or the History Channel. Seriously you guys, I think he’s as likely to have gone on a date or kissed anyone as Cheater is to dump his girlfriend or my former mother-in-law is to dump QVC or I am to dump Beverly Hills 90210. Like no freaking way.
So anyway, I said/screeched to Max, “But we promised each other that we would tell each other first about big life changing events!” (We did actually promise each other this months ago.)

He just shrugged and was all like, whatevs.

I got a little hysterical and yelled, “But you haven’t even dealt your shit yet! What kind of a person would marry you?!” (I’ve been in therapy off and on since December. Max, who has serious intimacy problems, has not set foot in a therapist’s office since we stopped going together, and as a far as I know he hasn’t read a self-help book, wrote in a journal, meditated, etc.)

The dream ended with me sobbing one of those super ugly cries. End scene.

My sister, who was widowed at 28 years old, was the first to warn me that men remarry fast, whether due to divorce or widowhood; I keep getting confirmation of this, so I know I need to brace myself for the possibility. Here’s the thing, Max really has no right to begrudge me moving on. I made it clear I wanted physical with emotional intimacy and he couldn’t deliver, so of course now I’m going to seek exactly what he couldn’t give me. But, the thought of him moving on seems so… unfair. I will admit it right now: it's unlikely that going to take it graciously if/when Max starts dating again. It will hurt me terribly, the thought that he was finally able to be intimate with someone after how very hard I tried to get him to open up to me and love me the way I needed to be loved.

I’d like think that my second thought would be to thank goodness that he was able to move past his problems and open up to someone. Eh, probably not. I’ll probably just bitch about it to you guys and my Twitter peeps.

Last week

It’s the night before my wedding (but I think it’s somehow current day). I had to assemble my bouquet myself. As I tried to put it together, it was full of pins or something, and I saw my hands scraped and bleeding. While my bridal bouquet tore my hands apart, a fire started in the kitchen of my parents’ house and the house started to burn down. Happy wedding day!

I’ve read that dreams symbolize how you connect with the world, so injured hands can suggest bruised ego and blood on your hands means guilt. Well, I think two of the most ego bruising experiences are rejection from your significant other (check!) and getting divorced (check!). And guilt? Oh, I have plenty of that. For one thing, I was raised Catholic, so there’s always something to feel guilty about. But more seriously, I tortured myself over leaving Max, someone with such serious problems… and problems that I think are rooted in sexual trauma of some kind. Leaving someone in pain can be absolutely necessary and the right thing to do, but it doesn’t change the guilt that I will always have. What do you think is the meaning to the house burning down? 

Whew, thanks for joining me on my dream interpretation. Now it’s your turn. Does your ex appear in your dreams? Do you dream about the way things were or how you wish things had gone? Have you learned anything about yourself or your relationship due to a dream? Or do you think dreams are just useless sleepy brain farts?

Check out my first post on Geek and JockIs Masturbation Healthy? Taking Matters Into My Own Hands With Joy.
Super Sunday Sync

22 comments:

  1. The Blond travelsJuly 15, 2013 at 4:17 AM

    I believe that dreams can mean something and reflect what's going on in your life. I've been having some dreams about my ex: the one where he cheats on me, the one where he gets married and the one where we have passionate sex. I think it's normal that we dream those dreams. We just think about our exes too much.

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  2. Yeah, with so many changes, there's a lot for your brain and heart to work out.

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  3. I am about to hit the five year mark for my 'divorce'. All I can promise you is that whether or not your ex maries again, he will have the same issues with his future partners. When I found out my ex was dating, my very first response was "Oh, I feel so sorry for her". Listen to your dreams, they are telling you that this marriage hurt you- you are clearly better off now!

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  4. Kat - I completely agree that dreams mean something. I think yours are probably just due to the fact that you live under the same roof as he does. It will be a lot easier to have closure, and to not care about what he does next, when you finally are able to start your own new life.

    My (almost) ex told me last week that he's got a new girlfriend, he even talked about her someday having his last name, and that he wants to have an annulment of our marriage in the catholic church. I never really wanted to marry in the catholic church anyway, so I don't care about that part. Thing is, the divorce isn't even final yet, and I have to tell you, I couldn't care less. I'm happy for him, but I worry that he's making the exact same mistakes all over again, as a friend. Also, according to facebook, she's not as pretty as I am, so there's some definite comfort in that.

    You are kind of torn between worlds now, so these dreams are natural. They'll stop once you really have your new life, and you will feel more able to move on.

    xoxo

    -Mustang Sally (who actually traded the Mustang for a BMW Z4 due to a fluke convertible top disaster. I like the Z4 much better. No back seat! Who needs one? Not this lady)

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  5. If you ever want dream interpretation: http://sculpted-dreams.blogspot.com

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  6. I like to hope that someday he'll get help and be in a healthy relationship... but I know, it's very unlikely. And yes, I'm MUCH better off now! Thanks for reading. :)

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  7. Hey BMW Sally! You're right, I really am torn between worlds now! I worry about him a lot. And you're a bigger person than I am; I would've flipped if Max told me he had a girlfriend, especially before the divorce was final (nevermind that I dated someone!).
    Btw, I've also looked into an annulment, but I couldn't be bothered to do the paperwork and I would NEVER get married in a Catholic church again anyway.

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  8. Cool, thanks! it's always interesting to hear interpretations of dreams and then try to piece together the personal meaning.

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  9. I think my situation just shows how broken we really were. And as you mentioned, I've spent a ton of time in counseling, reading, writing in a journal, and it's really helped.

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  10. I'm very willing to do the work to figure myself out. I don't think he is. Sadly, he is still in denial.

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  11. I think dreams sometimes mean something. I had a very similar dream with my ex (yup, he's my ex now, but we still talk) as the one you had a week after Nora's wedding. I more recently had a dream about my fling I had back in Feb where he found out his current GF was in some kind of cult and was trying to brainwash him, and he took me around a corner and started seriously making out with me! And here I thought I was over the bastard. Damn. lol

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  12. Isn't it crazy where our minds can go when we have no control?

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  13. I think dreams are a way of our brains dealing with all of the thoughts we have every day (conscious and subconscious) and sorting things out. I feel that fears and hopes are especially focused on because we spend so much time thinking about them.

    My ex has not appeared in my dreams post separation & divorce (thankfully). When we were together, though, I would once in a while have dreams about him leaving me - dreams in which he would very bluntly and without emotion tell me he didn't love me and was leaving me... which, in the end, is nearly identical to what he said when he sat me down to ask for a divorce.

    My ex was dating a woman for 6-8 months before asking for a divorce or even bringing it up. All I can and ever will think about regarding "the other woman" is 'what kind of woman has a relationship with a married man who is not even separated from his wife?' Seriously. Not having any respect for me at all to say "hey guy, how about you figure out your marriage and let me know when you've dropped the big D on her and then we'll boink" instead of "hey, I want to be with you and have unprotected sex with you while you're still married to (and sexually active with) your wife."

    The ex has no say nor any business in whether I'm dating or not in my opinion. It's not like he asked me if he could date!

    ... I just unloaded a lot right there.

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  14. Thanks so much for sharing your story! I am loving "meeting" so many people and hearing their tales.
    That's so creepy that you dreamed of him leaving you when you were still together. You must've known on some level that your relationship wasn't healthy.


    And I agree, who would willingly date a married person? But moreover, who would start dating when he isn't separated?! Sounds like you're fortunate to be away from him.

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  15. Hi Kat,

    I found your blog through the retweet by the Hartford Marathon. Thank you for sharing your story. I am in a very similar situation to the one that you were in except I have not yet made the decision to file for divorce. I would say I am at the very beginning of the deciding stage. I plan to keep following along and see how things pan out for you.

    -M

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  16. I'm glad you found your way to my blog! I'm so sorry for where you are in your marriage. A year ago, I really felt like my heart was breaking. It was terrible. But everyday I'm doing better, and I haven't once doubted my decision to divorce. I'll be thinking of you as you sort things out!

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  17. Don @ HowYouCanFindLoveJuly 19, 2013 at 7:56 PM

    I've had dreams about my ex in the past. In most cases, it was because I was thinking of them that day. I can't recall if I ever just randomly dreamt about them.

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  18. I had a strange one a few weeks ago that I was pregnant with my stbx's child and I tried to get away from him and his family but they kept me there against my will.....really weird.
    I've also had dreams about him I just don't remember what they were about I just knew he was in them

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  19. I prefer when I know why someone, especially Max, appears in my dreams. Randomly dreaming about someone kind of creeps me out!

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  20. Ohhh that is a weird one! Do you guys have kids?

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  21. No, that was some of what we fought about. I was pretty sure I didnt want any and he changed his mind or just wasnt honest with me about it before we got married.

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  22. Sounds like that was a pretty emotionally charged dream then, given the connection to your real life situation.

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