27 Reasons I'll Never Forget Being 33 Years Old

On December 27, I turned 34 years young.

Being 33 was one hell of a year! One of the record books, and by “record books” I mean this blog. The year kicked off with a surprise birthday gathering with my closest friends in NYC (thank you again, Sue and Ali!), and it set the tone for the year. My 33rd year was one of ups and downs, but so much growth.

In chronological order, here are the 27 reasons I’ll never forget being 33:

1. Went on some dates with Todd. I thought I was ready to start dating. I wasn’t.

2. Made out with Todd. He was the first guy to see my boobs since Max. I thought I was going to have sex with him. Turned out he had HPV. No sex for me.
        2a.  Got my first of three Gardasil shots. I figured I was single again, so better safe than sorry.

3. Entered a courtroom married. Sat in the big chair next to the judge. Left the courtroom divorced.
         3a.  Started this blog the night before. Yay!

4. Interviewed realtors and then put our condo on the market in February. We thought it would sell in a month. We were wrong.
         4a.  This kicked off a streak of making my bed everyday for six months. I hadn’t done that since I lived under my parents’ roof.

5. Met a more adorable than obnoxious 25-year-old (who would become The 26-Year-Old) who thought I was sexy. Who, me? Hello, ego boost!

6. Bought condoms for the first time since Max and I first started dating. Put said condoms into the inside pocket of every purse I have. In the words of Pretty Woman, I'm a safety girl!

7. Formed a booty call relationship with the 26-Year-Old and had my first orgasm since Max stopped touching me. We hooked up here and there throughout the year (but no sex).

8. For the first time in a decade, I bought a pretty glass bowl and some pot, which I kept hidden in my night table drawer. My rule-following roommate/ex-husband would’ve been none-to-happy if he’d known about it!

9. Selected a wonderful vibrator and discovered the joy of masturbation. This toy is also stored in my night table drawer – they don’t call it a goodie drawer for nothing!

I absolutely love my I'm Married To Me ring.

10. Sold my engagement ring and bought my right hand ring. I've been wearing my new ring for nine months and that ring still fills me with pride and strength.

11. Went to Disney World with my parents, sister, and her two kids. Disney World is the happiest place on earth.

12. Went to Nora’s and Lillian’s weddings back-to-back weekends. I hadn’t gone to a wedding single since 2004. And you know what? I still had fun at both weddings (and, fine, a little crying in the bathrooms too).

13. Slept with someone’s boyfriend. Not my classiest move, but I FINALLY broke my three-year streak of zero sex! But no more getting frisky with a guy I know is taken.

14. Reconnected with Todd. Made out with him on July 4. Thought something would start up with him. I was wrong.

15. Signed up for OKCupid and went on some dates. I had never done online dating before, and I found it to be pretty fun.

16. Went to my first country show -- Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley! My two girlfriends and I set up an amazing tailgate and sneaked booze into the amphitheater. Awesome way to spend a summer night.

17. Met Jason, AKA The Incredible Sex. We would date for two months. I adored his openness, intensity, and skills in the sack. I couldn’t stand that he smoked, was irresponsible, less educated than me and my friends, and generally self-centered. Yeah, not exactly my best match, but it was a ton of fun until he told me he loved me and messed it all up!

18. After multiple price drops and tons of frustration, we sold our condo in August. From the verbal offer to closing, the process took not even three weeks. Thank you, cash offer. My verdict on home ownership: it sucked!

19. After being in separate bedrooms for almost a year, Max and I moved into our respective apartments. After living with him for six years, I’m still not totally used to NOT living with him.

20. Had a wonderful night out with my friends for my Divorce Party (but I didn’t call it a "divorce party").

21. Ran my first half marathon on a gorgeous autumn day. It was a wonderful experience and I can’t wait to do another!

22. Survived my first wedding anniversary as a divorcee with a Me Day.

23. Traveled to Cancun with Sue and two other college friends for a week of reading, sleeping, drinking, and eating. I hadn’t been someplace tropical since my honeymoon in 2009.

"Kat, I'm honored to be your secret boyfriend.
Hey baby, let's drop it to the floor."

24. Sat for a family portrait, which meant three married couples... and me. I’m so glad we did it, but it further reminds me that my stupid biological clock is ticking. Will I ever get married again and have kids? Time will tell…

25. Hosted my first party all by myself. I’d always wanted to host a Christmas party, but Max wasn’t one for hosting. And my Christmas brunch was great, if I do say so!

26. Dyed pink streaks into my hair. Because I wanted to, because I can, and because no one can tell me not to!

27. Saw Pitbull, my secret boyfriend, in concert. The night before my 34th birthday, Yoshi took me -- what a great birthday present. (Pitbull is my secret boyfriend because he doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend and I’m going to have his rapper babies.)

How can my 34th year top all of this? What are your predictions for my 34th year? 

Cocktails, Knives, and A Sex Toy Party: 11 Reasons Why I Can't Wait to Live Alone

As we enter the fifth month of our condo being on the market, more and more I find myself starting statements with “once I move I will…” and “when I live alone I will…” I know that I’m very lucky that Max and I don’t fight and we have two bedrooms, but man, I am just dying to get the last part of the separation process done. I know it will be terribly emotional to separate our belongings and then say our final good byes. But you know what? It’s so overdue. We both need to move on in a very literal sense.

In the meantime, here are some reasons why it will be awesome to live alone again after living with Max for six years:

I will be such a charming hostess when I live alone!

1. Have guests over for drinks. Max didn’t like to have guests over, other than maybe, if I begged, one couple for one drink before going to dinner. I have all these fun cocktail glasses and wine glasses and they’ve barely been used. I want to fill my wine rack and make use of those glasses! 
2. Have guests over for appetizers and dinner. With each year I slowly get better at cooking for myself, but I need to work on my confidence by cooking for others. I have nice plates and china in mint condition (both wedding shower gifts, of course), so it’s high time I have friends and family over to make me hone my hostess skills.
3. Have guests over for a sex toy party. I am in love with my vibrator and I want more toys! So, what sounds more fun than my girlfriends, some wine and appetizers, and chatting about how to rev up our sex lives (whether we're flying solo or in a couple)?
4. Get some decent knives. Max’s mother is a wonderful person and I think very highly of her. The one not wonderful thing about her is her obsession with QVC. (Seriously, like every gift she has ever given me is from QVC, each more random than the previous one. Do I seem like I'd want an nine-inch Celtic crystal cross? I'm not even Christian anymore! I digress.)
   She gave us a block of QVC knives that we didn’t ask for just 10 months before our wedding. I would’ve registered for nice ones, but then I couldn’t because we had this wonderful QVC set. Well guess what? The knives suck so Max can take every stinking QVC knife and I will invest in a few quality ones that will assist me in achieving #2.
5. Get a hamster. I’m insanely afraid of reptiles, I don’t see the point of fish, and I'm allergic to pretty much everything that’s cute. The one exception? Hamsters! So, I will get a hamster, and I am either going to name it Bruce if it’s a boy or Library if it’s a girl. (There are only two things I’ll miss about the town I currently live in: Bruce Square and G-town Public Library.)
   To be clear, I’ll only get one hamster. A woman with one hamster could be considered cute and quirky; a woman with multiple hamsters might be just weird.
6. Self tan.  I know, you’re probably wondering what this is doing on the list. I haven’t self-tanned since I last lived alone, back in 2005. I exfoliate then apply self-tanner while wearing very little and smelling funny as the stuff soaks in. It’s not a sexy look – in fact, it’s a weird and smelly look – so I never did it in front of Max. When I live alone again, WHO CARES?
7. Watch more movies. Max and I have one TV, so we have to compromise a lot. The big one for me is that I love to watch and rewatch my DVDs. Max isn’t so much into rewatching much of anything other than the Jason Bourne trilogy, so you can imagine his enthusiasm for Dirty Dancing or a Disney movie for the 87th time. When I live alone, I will go back to watching 1-3 movies a week, I guarantee it.
8. Play more music. Max always wants the TV on. I like to play my CDs (retro, right?). My stereo has hardly been used in the six years we have lived together. That will change, particularly when I’m cleaning. Cher’s Greatest Hits, anyone? 
9. Invite my booty call over. Going to the 26-Year-Old’s house – that he shares with two roommates – is not ideal for me. He can get his ass over to my place and then be the one to schlep home all flushed at some ungodly hour. 
10. Date. I’m trying to picture myself dating, but it’s hard to even conjure up the image when I live with Max.
11. Have sex in my home. In the three years I’ve been in our condo, we had sex maybe five times, tops. Since we bought our king size bed six years ago, we’ve probably had sex on it maybe 20 times. Well that is all going to change, thanks to #10. I have no idea when or who it will be with, but it will! I refuse to have a celibate bed in my new apartment.

So those are some random reasons I’m excited to have my own place again! What was it like for you to move out? What were you super excited to do on your own in your own space?

Happy Easter! My Visit with The Rabbit

Updated: See my first post on Geek and Jock, Is Masturbation Healthy? Taking Matters Into My Own Hands With Joy.

On this Easter Sunday, I thought it perfectly appropriate and inappropriate to share with you that, this week, I had my first visit with Honey Bunny [link is NSFW!], AKA The Rabbit.


Yes, friends, at 33 years young, I've finally invested in a proper vibrator! It just came in the mail this week and I'm excited!

Why Didn't I Get One of These Sooner?!

Maybe it has to do with recovering from a Catholic upbringing, but I've never been able to get myself off. It's a sad thing for any adult, but especially for someone who hasn't had sex in almost three years (and very little the four years before that). I bought a vibrator back when I was 20 on a drunk dare. I was so sloppy drunk that night that I forgot I bought it! You can imagine my shock in my dorm room the next morning when I saw the shopping bag and thought, "Oh, I wonder what's in there? I hope it's Gatorade and Advil." Anyway, it was a cheapo piece of crap, but I've held on to it ever since because it just seemed like the kind of thing a woman should have in her night table drawer. Every once in a rare while I'd pull it out and try to use it, but never with any real success.

You might be thinking, why on earth didn't I take matters into my own hands (pun intended) when Max wouldn't touch me? I really wish I could answer that. Maybe I felt like I would be insulting him. Maybe I thought I was jinxing things, like what if I'm able to give myself an orgasm then Max won't think he has to try anymore. Maybe I was just being judgemental of myself, like a real woman shouldn't HAVE to masturbate, she should get her significant other to do it. I don't know, but it doesn't matter anymore, because I now have The Rabbit!

I view this time in my life as my opportunity to wake up the parts of me that were silent or underdeveloped during my eight years with Max. Judging from my first encounter with The Rabbit, apparently I've been missing A LOT. I mean, I actually dreamed about The Rabbit last night. I'm serious!

Not that I want to turn my blog into a X rated site, but I'm curious about masturbation's place in your life, given that I'm brand new to this. Is it a regular part of your life? Does your significant other know that you do it? Does he or she mind? Or does it help bring you and your significant other closer in the bedroom?