Thursday, January 23, 2014

GUEST POST: Hey Baby, Your Jugs Look Awesome: Top 3 Habits to Break With Your Ex

I recently discovered DivorcedDadof2 on Twitter. This guy is quite a character, so I thought you would like to meet him too.

I got a kick out of this post because I remember a few times when my ex slipped and called me "Bear." I loved that pet name, but after the divorce was final, it was a cross between a comfort and a punch in the stomach to hear him say it. Here's what DivorcedDadof2 had to say about it.

My ex sucks and I still think she's hot.
You date someone long enough, and you’re bound to have at least one conversation while the other one is taking a dump.

I’ve applied hemorrhoid cream on my ex-wife. I’ve held her head back as she hurled in the toilet. I’ve seen snot dripping out of her noise when she was sick. Snoring. Farting.  Heavy “monthly visitors.” And let’s not forget child birth, which isn’t a pretty sight.

Then again, I shudder to think about her list of my own not-so-sexy moments.

Unfortunately, history isn’t something that goes away.

But the same is true with old habits. Even after the divorce, my ex and I would continue to have pretty private conversations about work and our personal lives. We’d also still text and/or call each other pretty often.

Those habits eventually wore off, of course, as we continued to piss each other off. In fact, things didn’t start to become civil again until we limited our interactions with one another.

But some old, bad habits are harder to break than others.

My buddy stopped by yesterday to pick up his dolly. It’s one of those heavy-duty, 80 lb dollies that professional movers use. I needed it when I first moved out of the house. Since that time, the dolly somehow wound up at my ex-wife’s storage unit.

She asked me about it the other day when dropping off the kids. She wanted me to pick it up.

“Sure,” I said, “I just have to work something out with my buddy.”

I called him that night, and he rearranged his schedule so that he could come by the next day – yesterday – to pick up the dolly.

He arrived about 10 minutes before my ex-wife stopped by with some of my stuff that was still in her storage.  We then took separate cars to the storage unit. I drove with her and made small talk along the way: How’s work? How are your parents? That sort of thing.

It wasn’t until we arrived at the storage unit that I paid attention to what my ex was wearing: black, see-through tights.

Several thoughts immediately entered my mind: Did she wear those on purpose to put on a show? Did she realize her tights were see-through? Why the fuck is a grown-ass woman wearing tights in the middle of the day?

And, of course, I stared at her ass.

This went on for several minutes. Finally, I woke up from my haze and turned around to help my buddy load up the heavy-duty dolly. By that time, though, he had already loaded it up.
“Done,” he said, shooting me a disapproving look.


So, yeah, shoot me. I was staring at my ex-wife’s ass. It’s not like I was seeking it out. Furthermore, if I was wearing a pair of shorts that clearly showed off my package, I guarantee that she’d be staring, too.
It’s human nature.

There are several bad habits I’ve had to break since the separation and divorce. Among my seedier, now-broken habits:

  1. Hundred Dollar Baby: One of the first things couples do is come up with dumbass nicknames for one another. This was partially true with my ex. I think she may have called me “sweetie” for the first half-year or so, but she quickly ditched the nicknames (unless you consider “asshole” a term of endearment). I, on the other hand, continued to call her “baby,” even through the divorce. It wasn’t intentional, mind you. Just one of those old habits. I finally broke the habit one night after letting a “sure, baby” slip out in front of her new, much-bigger-than-me, husband. (Speaking of nicknames, I’ve got news for my kids: I fully intend on calling them my “little stinkers” for the rest of their lives, whether they like it or not.)
  2. These Days, a Slap on the Ass Will Get Me Arrested: Another bad habit of mine: slapping the woman I’m with on the ass. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not some maniac, going around slapping random women on the ass. And I don’t do that with someone I just started dating. But as soon as things get serious, the ass-slapping starts. I think the last time this happened with my ex was over a year ago, when she was leaving my place after dropping off the kids. We joked around for a few minutes, she turned to leave, and … I smacked her on the butt. Embarrassed, I immediately said “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” “It’s OK,” she said, clearly not upset by it. “But that’s probably something you should stop doing.” Yes, indeed.
  3. Your Tits Look Awesome Today: Women love romance and chivalry, and they want to be treated like a queen. But, regardless of what you’ve been told, they also like the occasional vulgar, over-the-top compliment. “You look absolutely stunning in that dress” may lead to a night of passion, but say “Your tits look awesome” enough times, and you’ll fuck like porn stars. Even if you get scolded for saying, “I can’t stop staring at your ass,” secretly, they’re thinking to themselves, “Still got it.” This, of course, needs to stop when you’re going through a breakup.

I was thinking about that last bad habit yesterday as my ex was bending over for the 50th fucking time while wearing her skin-tight, see-through tights. I waited for her to drive off before finally saying to my buddy, “Sorry dude. I didn’t mean to ignore you while you were loading up the dolly.”

“That’s OK,” he said. “I was staring at her ass, too.”

Sometimes offensive, always hilarious, DivorcedDadof2 chronicles the life of a recently divorced father living in Dallas with his two young daughters. Visit his blog:

What habit with your ex did you have to break?
elleroy was here

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